It's Enough (But I Want More)
by PhiloSofea
Summary: SUMMARY CHANGE. Due to her depression since she was a child and the constant abandonment from the people around her, Mikan ran away and tried to end herself. She was rescued, and she's currently on the road to recovery. She knew it would be difficult, but thankfully she had people who can help. If only she can find it in herself to trust them again... AU, Unbeta-ed
1. Prologue: Falling and Standing

****Title:**** It's Enough (But I Want More)

 ** **Summary:**** SUMMARY CHANGE. Due to her depression since she was a child and the constant abandonment from the people around her, Mikan ran away and tried to end herself. She was rescued, and she's currently on the road to recovery. She knew it would be difficult, but thankfully she had people who can help. If only she can find it in herself to trust them again... AU, Unbeta-ed

 ** **Pairing:**** Summer Tangerine Pairing (NatsuMikan)?

 ** **Genre:**** Drama, Romance

 ** **Rating:**** T

 ** **A.N. :**** This is a very self indulgent fic. I just want to explore and see how many tropes I can put in a fic. And in all honesty, I have this headcanon that Mikan really is very good at hiding her feelings when she puts her mind to it. Add to the fact that a lot of the fanfics in the GA fandom tends to characterize Mikan as an emotional labourer (really, I've lost count on just how many fics portray her as a naive, childish, dependant little idiot that somehow fixes every problem with her cheer and recklessness and just simply by being __there__ , no communication is necessary!) and thus this fic is born.

 ** **Disclaimer:**** Don't own GA, will never own it. Besides, I can't even draw a stick figure if I put my mind to it.

 ** **Warning:**** Depression and suicidal thoughts.

 **SUMMARY CHANGE AS OF 3/9/2018**

* * *

 **PROLOGUE: FALLING AND STANDING**

* * *

If Mikan had to pick a time when she learned to fake a smile, she would pick the time her father passed away.

Her father was loved and adored by many. A favourite teacher among many students and a delightful friend to others, his death was a blow to a good number of people. Her mother was near inconsolable when her father passed away. Of course, Yuka was a good actor, she can hide her grief behind a solemn face, but Mikan knew well enough to know that her mother is suffering, but would never lower her pride to show her emotions to anyone other than Uncle Kazu or her grandpa.

Everybody around was wearing that depressing black colour and Mikan stood and watched everyone with red-rimmed eyes. They were all sad, offering condolences to her mother and gave her smiles and soft pats on the head.

Mikan remembered before her father passed away, that he would tell her to always smile and be happy because it does no one any good, being sad. You cause problems for yourself and more importantly, you make others worry about you, which is never a good thing.

After the funeral was over and everybody went home, her mother pulled her into a bone-crushing hug and asked, "Are you alright, Mikan-chan?"

What a silly thing to ask, little 5 year old Mikan thought. Of course she wasn't fine. Tou-chan left them, and everybody's crying, and her mother's sad, and Jii-chan cannot stop staring at Tou-chan's altar, and Uncle Kazu resembled a stone statue right now, and everything's just __wrong__.

But Mikan remembered what Tou-chan told her.

" _ _Don't make others worry about you.__ "

So Mikan put on a brilliant (fake) smile and hugged her Kaa-san and said, "I'm fine!"

* * *

Mikan could never truly understand Hotaru Imai.

At first, she thought Imai was one of those city folk who excel in everything and see others around them as beneath them. That was certainly Mikan's first impression of her after seeing how she didn't mingle with anybody in the class (or anybody in the village) when she first came to this small village.

But then Imai approached her, showing a poster for a singing competition and said, "Cute girls like us need to stay together."

Mikan understood that she was only saying that because Hotaru wanted someone to join her in the singing competition, but she was attracted. Perhaps it was her vanity that Hotaru had appealed to, or perhaps it was the fact that Hotaru had approached her when there was so many others who are much more talented in singing like Tomoyo or Rika. She never truly remembered why she agreed to the singing competition.

After they won, Mikan thought Hotaru would stay away from her. However, Hotaru stayed. Mikan wondered why when it was so obvious that Hotaru was constantly annoyed with every little thing that Mikan had done, but there's nothing wrong with gaining a new friend so Mikan accepted her and tried to put more effort in becoming friends. It was difficult because Hotaru is not someone who likes to talk but Mikan makes it work.

That doesn't mean that Hotaru never received one of her fake smiles though. Mikan does smile brightly whenever Hotaru calls her 'Idiot' or hits her with one of her inventions for whatever reason. Mikan smiled and bore it all.

* * *

For an only child with a single mother moving to a large city like Tokyo, it was a terrifying experience. Everything was big and tall and there were barely any green plants like the trees that Mikan had been so used to. Everybody moved like they are trying to chase after something, and it was noisy all the time. Even at night, it was noisy.

Mikan didn't like it here, this cold, concrete jungle. She's trying to mingle with her new classmates at her school, of course she does, but it's kinda hard when they make fun of you all the time because you're a country bumpkin with a funny accent. Hotaru moved to Tokyo too, because her family decided to move to Tokyo due to adult stuff. Hotaru's in the same class as her, but as much as Mikan tried to spend time with her, it seems that Hotaru is always busy with something.

Thankfully, her classmates weren't all bad. Tobita-kun, or as everyone called him, Iinchou, helped her a lot when she was trying to take in everything. Kokoro Yome, was pretty cool, even though it's a bit freaky that he's able to know people's thoughts all the time (maybe that's why his name means mind reader? A bit of a weird name to give to your child, but Mikan knows a person named Pikachu who is their neighbour, so maybe that's how city folks are like.). Anna Umenomiya and Nonoko Ogasawara, despite their uncanny resemblance, are not in any way related to each other, yet they are attached to the hip and they are very welcoming towards Mikan.

And then there's her seatmate, a grumpy boy named Natsume Hyuuga and his blond best friend, Ruka Nogi. Mikan didn't like them much because Natsume embarrassed her in front of the entire class by flipping her skirt up and showed her classmates her childish polka dot printed panties, nicknaming her "Polka," when Mikan went to him to introduce herself to them. Nogi-san doesn't seem that bad, but Mikan thought it was mean that he didn't stop his friend from bullying her, so Mikan also didn't like him much. Unfortunately, the school had a partner system, and Mikan was partnered with Hyuuga of all people by her eccentric sensei. And so, Mikan had to do a lot of things together with Hyuuga, because it was the rules, but it's difficult when your partner bullies you all the time and escapes from class frequently.

Mikan really, really didn't like being here. But Uncle Kazu was here and he comforted her whenever he came to pick her up from school at the end of the day, saying, "It's ok. You just have to try harder and show them that you are just as amazing as they are. Don't ever show them that it bothers you, because they'll then bully you even more." Mikan took her uncle's words to heart, and tried her very best to fit in and be the best student she possibly could, but it's hard. It's really hard.

While Mikan is having a bad time at school, Kaa-chan, on the other hand, looked content here. Mikan wouldn't say she was happy, that certainly would never happen because Tou-chan took away Kaa-chan's smile the moment he passed away, but Kaa-chan looked more fulfilled here than she ever did when she was in the village. And perhaps it was also because Kaa-chan made a new friend, a man named Shiki Masachika.

Masachika-san was quiet, sombre; a bit like Kaa-chan, really. Perhaps that's why they hit it off so well. And Mikan sometimes see how her mom stared at Masachika-san when he's distracted. It wasn't like the loving looks she gave Tou-chan, but that gaze showed more positive emotion than any smile she gave to Mikan. Mikan thought it was unfair.

" _ _Why should a stranger make Kaa-chan happy? Why can't I be the reason Kaa-chan is content? Why am I not enough? Does this mean I'm not important enough to Kaa-chan__?"

She never voiced those thoughts. They were always there, though. Mikan shoved them at the back of her mind and smiled at her Kaa-chan whenever she looked at her daughter, because that's what good daughters do. They never make their mother's life more difficult than it already is.

* * *

Lately, Mikan's been learning to cook. Her Kaa-chan was barely home because she was working and although she sees Uncle Kazu every school day, he never stays for dinner because he's busy too. So Mikan is more often than not, left around the house alone.

Convenience store bentous are delicious, but Mikan doesn't like the taste of pre-packaged food that it often have. And despite having made progress in making friends at school, she doesn't know them well enough to invite into her home. So Mikan decided she had to try to be independent.

She cleans the house, does the laundry, goes to buy groceries every day at that big, intimidating supermarket near their apartment complex, cooks meals for her family, studies and those her homework. Rinse and repeat. She also calls her grandpa often, telling him everything that she experienced. Let it not be said that she misses her grandpa just as much as he misses his beloved granddaughter.

Mikan noticed how relieved Kaa-chan looked when Mikan started doing the chores at home. Kaa-chan came home and whatever food that Mikan was cooking for dinner would be served by the time Kaa-chan finished changing her clothes. Kaa-chan would always ruffle her hair, or when she's feeling particularly affectionate, kiss her forehead and pull Mikan into her arms. Mikan liked it when her Kaa-chan is affectionate.

But her being so helpful also meant that Kaa-chan worries about her less. Now that Mikan's fine on her own, Kaa-chan barely notices her anymore. Mikan rarely ever see her at night and only ever saw her in the morning, and even then Kaa-chan is almost never home. Mikan had this feeling that she's spending time with Masachika-san.

Honestly, he isn't bad, but Mikan slightly resented him for taking her Kaa-chan away from her. Kaa-chan looks so at peace though, so Mikan ignored whatever negative feelings she had and always gave Masachika-san more food whenever he came over for dinner with them.

Over time, Mikan got to know Masachika-san better, and started warming up to him. She calls him Shiki-san now. But that feeling of discontentment in her chest never fades.

* * *

Life in the city is starting to grow on her.

After the rocky start with her classmates, Mikan worked hard to gain their approval. She studied as much as she could, excelled in sports, made sure to talk and say hi to her classmates everyday and tried to have fun with her club, the Home Ec. Club. As time went by, Mikan gradually gained their approval and trust. Her grades were consistently As, even in math which she hated. She made friends with her clubmates and became fast friends with Anna and Nonoko. She likes Iinchou and Koko, and Ruka is nice. She may even be developing a small crush on Ruka (ok, maybe not so small, but hey, she's trying not to let him know). Natsume isn't so bad, if you can ignore that surly attitude of his. Now, if only he can stop looking at her panties all the time...

Mikan's trying to win over them, and slowly it's working. They still think of her as a stranger, somebody who doesn't quite fit in but at least they are talking and conversing with her in a relatively neutral fashion. Better that than being hated or ignored, or Kami-sama forbid, both.

That's not to say that she was happy. She has never quite felt that for a while now. But she does feel more grounded, and content. It's not quite happiness, but it's a start.

She should have known it wasn't going to last long.

* * *

A.N: Next update will be up in a few hours.


	2. Chapter 1: Falling and Hurting

**A.N.:** Here is the promised second chapter. I intend to upload at least once a week, but I'm on a roll right now. I'm trying to finish this first before I finish my other fic. I haven't been writing for a while now. I've gotten rusty. This fic is basically me trying to get my butt back into shape.

* * *

 **CHAPTER 1: FALLING AND HURTING**

* * *

When Mikan turned 17, Kaa-chan married Shiki-san.

Mikan did not know how to feel about it. When they broke the news to her, Mikan could feel time stop. But she quickly plastered a brilliant smile on her face and said, "Really? That's great!"

Kaa-chan looked so relieved and Shiki-san gave her a grateful smile. He pat her on her head while Kaa-chan drew her into her warm embrace and kissed her forehead.

"You'll see Mikan-chan," Kaa-chan murmured into her hair. "Once everything is settled, we would be a happy family again. You can have more siblings and Jii-chan can come stay with us too. It'll be wonderful."

Mikan nod at that. It would be nice to have siblings. That way, she wouldn't be so alone at home anymore. And Jii-chan can come live with them too! Mikan had called him frequently but sometimes, she wished he was here instead of having to call him all the time. She missed those days when they would pound mochi together and ate tangerines underneath the kotatsu on cold winter days.

The smile she gave Shiki-san was a smile filled with hope. Mikan hoped that things would be better soon.

* * *

It was a small wedding. Only family and close friends were invited. Mikan remembered just how beautiful her Kaa-chan looked on her wedding day, with a white shimmery veil covering her face and a crown of flowers braided in her hair. Mikan remembered just how bright her Kaa-chan smiled, the brightest smile she had ever seen in a while and a smile she never thought she would see again, not since her Tou-chan's death. Mikan wished from the bottom of her heart that this time, the smile would stay for a long, long time.

Jii-chan was there too, shedding tears of joy. Hotaru and her brother, Subaru were present. Uncle Kazu as well. Mikan recognized her mother's colleagues, Kaoru Hyuuga and Luna Koizumi. They were there too. Kaoru-san brought Natsume and Aoi-chan to the wedding (and isn't that something? To know that Natsume's mother is friends with Kaa-chan). Koizumi-san brought her date along, a man she had never seen before but Mikan paid him no mind.

There were other people as well but Mikan didn't recognize them. Most of them were close friends of Kaa-chan and Shiki-san (She has to stop calling him that. She'll try calling him Otou-san next time.). Mikan was just happy that her Kaa-chan was not sad anymore, willing to let go of the past and finally find happiness for a second time. She didn't really care about the other guests. So long as everyone's alright, Mikan's fine.

At the reception, while Shiki-san and Kaa-chan were dancing on the floor, Mikan went to Natsume and Hotaru. Hotaru was busy fending off anyone from asking her to dance and Natsume's ferocious scowl was enough to deter anyone from asking him to dance. Aoi-can was by his side, happily munching on cake.

Mikan's relationship with Hotaru had not changed much. Mikan fawns over Hotaru, Hotaru would act annoyed, there would be light bantering afterwards and maybe some small talk, if Hotaru was in a good mood. With Natsume, things are going surprisingly well. While Natsume never stopped with the name calling and the mean-spirited teasing, they could hang out now. Mikan and Natsume could converse together as friends and Natsume would be around long enough to help her with the school work. He wouldn't go around skipping class and he's not deliberately making things difficult for her. Mikan didn't know if Natsume sees her as friend, but Mikan definitely sees him as one. She knows him enough to call Natsume a friend of hers.

"Hi guys! Not in the mood to dance?" Mikan asked, taking a seat beside Aoi-chan, casually wiping away the cake crumbs on her cheek.

"Mikan-neechan!" precious little Aoi squealed, hugging her with all her might. Mikan giggled good naturedly and hugged back.

Natsume scoffed. "Hell no, Polka. I'm not going to go around swinging my hips and fooling around with everyone." Hotaru-chan nods at the remark in agreement. If there was one thing that both of them tend to agree on, it's the idea of socializing with strangers. Unless it's necessary, they wouldn't do it.

"Awww, well. That's a shame. Those girls over there look like they want to come over and ask," Mikan said, gesturing to a group of red-cheeked girls, looking at Natsume with obvious admiration. Mikan doesn't blame them. Natsume, for all his foul temper and brusque demeanor, is very handsome. Mikan would sometimes catch herself staring at him too. Though she'll never admit that to Natsume's face. No need to inflate his already big ego.

Natsume sent them a look so fearsome it sent the blushing girls scattering. Mikan sighed. "Well, what about you Aoi-chan? Do you want to dance too?"

Aoi beamed at her. "Yes! I want to dance with Mikan-neechan and Onii-chan."

Mikan ruffled her head. "Alright. Finish your cake first, then we dance."

"Yay!"

"Mikan." Hotaru suddenly voiced out.

"Hmm? Yes Hotaru-chan?"

"What do you think? About Auntie Yuka marrying again?"

Mikan fell in a contemplative silence. Mikan had been avoiding trying to think about it. In truth, she truly feels happy that Kaa-chan is willing to give love another chance. But she's scared. Scared that Kaa-chan remarrying would mean that Mikan probably would have to share her Kaa-chan more than she already does. Scared that she would be left alone even more than she already is. Scared that they would forget her. Resigned at the fact that although she was happy at the thought of future siblings, it would mean she has to work harder to gain Kaa-chan's attention. Her abandonment issues and slight depression are not making things any better.

Oh, Mikan knew she's depressed. She's read as much as she could on it. She tried to do something about it. It's why she has been eating a lot of sweets and howalons these past few years ever since she came to Tokyo. It's not because she love sweets (though it's true that she does like them), she's trying to deal with everything by consuming lots of sugar, hoping the sweet taste could help her cope. She couldn't very well go to the pharmacy or the doctors for antidepressants; they would ask questions and Mikan wasn't sure if she can deal with it.

Well, in the end it does not matter what she feels about it. It's not like she can ever voice out these thoughts to people anyway. Despite the mental acknowledgement, she could never say it out loud, let alone tell anybody her opinion.

"Oh, I'm fine with it Hotaru. In fact, I'm happy! It means that Kaa-chan and Shiki-san will be happy, and everyone else agrees with it. I'm just glad everybody else is happy. I couldn't ask for more."

Hotaru shrugged at that. "If that's what you say. I just thought that you looked a bit distracted. But then again, you've always been easily distracted."

' _ _What's that supposed to mean?__ ' Mikan wanted to ask but instead, she said, "Hotaru, that's mean! And of course I'm distracted! Just look at everyone, they look so pretty! And the food is good, and they are dancing and laughing and it's just so nice everywhere. Of course I'm distracted! I don't know where to start."

Natsume scoffed. "Typical. How about you go and dance with Aoi. She's just finished eating her cake."

True enough, Aoi-chan, with her mouth smeared with frosting, immediately tugged Mikan's hands. "Come on, Mikan-neechan! Let's dance."

Mikan smiled sweetly at Aoi, and wiped away the mess of cream and cake bits around her face. Then, she pulled Aoi-chan into her arms and they twirled towards the dance floor. As Aoi giggled joyously, Mikan immediately swept away all her worries to the back of her mind like she always does.

* * *

"So who are you going to give your chocolates to, Mikan-chan?", Nonoko asked.

"Well, everyone in class! I've made enough for all of them and some."

It's Valentine's day. The day of lovers. The day maidens confess their feelings to their loved ones, hoping it would be returned. Mikan is one of those maidens.

Who is the man who has her attention? Why, it's none other than Ruka Nogi, the prince charming of her class, and possibly the whole school.

Over the years, Mikan's admiration towards Ruka has slowly developed into romantic love. Mikan doesn't know if it's a crush or full blown love, but she is definitely interested towards Ruka. Despite their first meeting, Mikan had the chance to get to know him better. And Ruka, as Mikan is starting to discover, is truly like a prince straight out of a fairy tale book. Loves animals, is very kind, smart, thoughtful, handsome. Surprisingly impulsive, but Mikan thought that endearing too. They are good friends now, and Mikan hoped that they could be more.

Once she arrived at her class, she immediately proceed to give everyone their chocolate. She mixed it up a bit, of course. Hotaru got peppermint chocolates, brownies for Natsume, Nonoko white chocolate, Anna some bittersweet ones, Koko and Kitsuneme received hazelnuts in them. Everyone had something different and she hoped they like it.

For Ruka, she made a box filled with white chocolate shaped bunnies. For his portion, she had put in a little extra effort to make it nicer than everyone else. At the bottom of the box, she slipped in a note.

She hoped he responded.

* * *

At the end of the day, Mikan packed up her stuff and went to the roof. The roof is usually locked but Mikan has learned how to pick the locks, courtesy of one Hotaru Imai. Once she has gotten used to it, it was laughably easy. But the rooftop is not her real destination.

It's the stairs to the rooftop. It's isolated enough, and when school is over, it's very quiet. Hardly anyone goes to the roof. The area is restricted after all.

So she sat there, and she waited for Ruka. True enough, a few minutes of waiting and she saw the familiar blond hair. Ruka looked contemplative. In his hand, there was the note and the box of chocolates.

"Hi Ruka," Mikan nervously said.

"Hi Mikan." He went towards her and sat beside her. Mikan could feel her heart pumping furiously, her cheeks flushing from excitement and nervousness.

They sat in silence for a while. Ruka still had not said anything. Mikan could feel her hope slightly dying. Does he not like it after all?

Ruka sighed. It was tinged with frustration. "Mikan, you are a good friend of mine. So, I'm honoured that you feel that way about me. You're a good person. I like you. But…"

 _ _Ah__. So that's how it is.

She let out a laugh. "You don't want to go out with me do you?"

"I…"

"It's fine, Ruka. I know rejection when I see it," Mikan bitterly stated. _'_ _ _It's what I have been dealing my entire life, after all.__ '

"Mikan, its… this is…" Ruka let out a sound. "I'm doing this all wrong. I like you as a friend, Mikan. And it would be nice if we can be friends for, well, for as long as we both live. I like hanging out with you. You're great. But I can't go out with you." He turned his gaze at her, his expression fully apologetic. "I'm sorry," he said. He handed her the box of chocolates and the note.

Mikan took the note, but pushed the box back to him. "Please Ruka. That chocolate was meant for you. I made chocolates for everyone. Just because you rejected me doesn't mean that you should return it. It's for you."

Ruka reluctantly took it back. He stared at her worriedly. Mikan idly wondered if Ruka expected her to burst into tears at any moment.

"Are you interested in anyone else then? Is that why you rejected me?" Mikan asked. Ruka slightly blushed.

"Well… there is one. But it's not going to happen." Ruka replied. "She doesn't like me that much, and definitely not like that." The glint in his eyes dulled slightly at the admission.

"Is it anyone in our class?"

"...yes."

Mikan thought for a while. She listed all the girls in the class and crossed out anyone that doesn't fit in with what little description Ruka gave. The girls in their class loves Ruka, Sumire and Wakako almost fanatically so. Anna and Nonoko likes him too, and would be happy to go out with him just to get to know him on a personal level. Heck, everybody in school would be happy to have Ruka Nogi as their boyfriend. Which leaves one person, a person she knew very well. Finally, she asked, "Is it Hotaru?"

Ruka's cheeks turned bright red with embarrassment. But he's not denying it. He slowly nodded.

"Hotaru huh? Why do you think she doesn't like you that way?"

Ruka spluttered. "Because! She takes embarrassing photos of me, she sells them to the girls, she makes fun of me constantly, blackmails me all the time and basically does a lot to make my life difficult. Doesn't that show just how much she hates me?"

Mikan laughed at his reaction. "Ah but Ruka-pyon, you forgot. Hotaru isn't like any normal person. Hotaru is Hotaru. Don't you think that she's trying to get your attention in her own special way?"

Ruka looked incredulous. "By making my school life a living hell?"

"Well, it's working isn't it?"

At that, Ruka went silent. "You really think she's interested in me?" he quietly asked.

"Hotaru is… a difficult person to read. Even after all these years of knowing her, I still don't think I know her well enough to tell what she's thinking most of the time. But I know Hotaru well enough to tell you that if she truly hates someone, she would ignore them, to the point of pretending that person doesn't exist. So, I'm pretty sure she doesn't hate you." Mikan slowly took his hands in hers and squeezed them lightly. "Why don't you give it a chance? It would be nice to see both of you happy together."

Reassured, Ruka squeezed her hands back. "I… I think I'll give it a shot."

Mikan beamed. "That's wonderful! Go for it."

Ruka looked sad. "What about you? We've been talking about me, but you basically just confessed to me not a few minutes ago, and I rejected you. Even worse, I told you I'm interested in your best friend instead." As if realizing the situation that just happened, Ruka moaned in disbelief. "Kami-sama, I'm a terrible person."

Mikan felt a slight vindictive twinge at that. Yeah, it does feel horrible. Mikan knew she's never good enough for someone as amazing like Ruka, could possibly never compete with someone as brilliant as Hotaru. Mikan knew that and is very aware of it. Despite comforting Ruka and cheering for him this entire time, her chest burns. She __knows__ , damn it. She's a terrible person too, because although she told Ruka to go for it, deep down in her heart, she hoped Hotaru would __reject__ him. Then Mikan could have a chance. She would work harder to get his affections. If she can't get any love from her own mother, then she'll be damned if she couldn't get any love from the guy she likes too.

She'll try to get closer to Ruka if Hotaru rejects him. _If she accepts…_

Mikan shook her head. She then replied, with a cheerful smile,"It's fine Ruka! I'm a strong person! You know me, I don't like being sad and staying sad. I prefer being happy instead. So don't worry. I'll just go home and you can go confess to Hotaru!" She leaned towards him and whispered conspiratorially, "Hotaru is still in the Science Club. If you go now, you'll be able to make it."

Mikan stood up and forced Ruka to stand up. She pushed Ruka's back. "Go for it! You can do this!"

Ruka gave her a sweet smile, and it crushed her heart so much she couldn't __breathe__. Ruka hugged her, a dear bear hug, and whispered, "You are my dearest friend. I love you. Thanks."

With trembling arms, Mikan hugged him back. "I know I am. I love you too." She pushed him hard it sent him stumbling a few steps back. "Now go! Confess!"

Ruka laughed. He gave a salute and taking the box of chocolates with him, he ran. Mikan watched him leave, the smile still plastered on her face. Her chest burned painfully.

She really is a terrible person.

* * *

She picked the lock on the rooftop, and she stared down at the school. The fence around the edges of the rooftop was for safety, because there had been a rise of students plunging themselves to their deaths from their school's rooftop due to stress and depression in Tokyo. Mikan could relate to that. She felt like throwing herself of the roof sometimes. If the fence was gone, she would've tried jumping. It would have been so __easy__ to do it.

Mikan stared at Hotaru and Ruka, conversing with each other as they walked towards the school gate. Ruka flailed as though Hotaru had said something really embarrassing, while Hotaru continued to talk, her posture perfect as always, her face a beautiful pale mask. It would have looked normal, had it not been for the fact that they were holding hands.

Mikan let out a laugh. Well, that's that then.

She waited until she couldn't see them anymore and only then she lifted her bag and walked home, humming serenely.

* * *

On the way home, she stopped by the sweets store.

"Two big boxes of your sweetest howalons please!"

"Two boxes! Mikan-chan that's a lot!"

"Hahahaha, I want to binge eat howalons right now! Please?"

"Ahaaaaa, alright, then. Here you go."

"Thanks!"

* * *

When she came home, there was a note and an envelope on the kitchen table. The house was quiet.

 _'_ _ _Mikan-chan,__

 _ _Shiki and Kaa-chan are going out. Please watch the house. There's some money in the envelope. Buy something nice for yourself. We'll be back late, so there's no need to cook any dinner for us.__

 _ _Love you,__

 _ _Kaa-chan'__

They are probably going out to a nice restaurant, Mikan mused. It's their first Valentine as a married couple. Must be nice. The knot in her throat that never disappeared ever since Kaa-chan first introduced Shiki-san to her tightened ever so slightly.

She took the envelope and the note to her room, still humming a song she vaguely remembered. She showered, changed into her pajamas, did her homework, studied and looked at her phone when she was done. There were two messages. One was from Ruka, the other was from Hotaru.

* * *

' ** **From**** : Ruka-pyon

she accepted! were dating now. thanks mikan'

* * *

' ** **From**** : Hotaru-chan

Nogi told me you were the one who persuaded him. Your meddling was unnecessary.

But, thank you, Mikan.'

* * *

She smiled at the messages, she was still humming as she turned on her laptop, quietly munching and savouring the sweet taste of the howalons as she watched the korean drama she copied from Sumire. It was great, the drama had good plot and the acting was good. The lead actors were beautiful. Everything was beautiful.

When she was done and the howalons were finished, she turned off the lights and tucked herself into bed. A few minutes of silence went by, and finally, __finally__ she let herself cry.

* * *

A.N.: In case you readers haven't get the hint, this story is going to be depressing. Early chapters will have a very depressing tone to it because it is all from Mikan's pov. But don't worry, it'll get a happy ending. Because I like happy endings.


	3. Chapter 2: Falling and Hoping

A.N. : This week's update is up. Get ready folks because this update is longer than the previous one. But I think some of you may like it.

* * *

 **CHAPTER 2: FALLING AND HOPING**

* * *

When Mikan was 17 and in the middle of preparing for the Gakuen Alice Cultural Festival, Jii-chan finally moved in with them. After much persuading and cajoling, he finally huffed and said, "Oh alright. I'll move in."

Mikan hugged him ecstatically. The hope and relief she felt was boundless. Finally, she wouldn't be alone anymore. No more looking after the house alone, and having no one to talk to. Jii-chan will always be the person she loves more than anyone else. She loves Kaa-chan too, but Jii-chan is __different__.

They helped him move. Jii-chan doesn't have much he wanted to bring with them. Just his clothes and a shogi set. Everything else, they left it at Jii-chan's old house. Jii-chan didn't rent the house they used to live in, but he didn't sell it either. He ruffled her head and said, "Couldn't do it. This house is precious. Built it when I was young. I build it for your Obaa-chan, see. I can't sell this house. Too many memories." He smiled at her and as he quietly slipped in some old brass keys with a funny wooden key chain into her shaky hands, he said, "One day, I hope you'll live in this house too with your own family. I know how much you don't like Tokyo. If you ever feel like you want to be alone, just go to the house. It'll always welcome you."

Mikan could feel her eyes brimming with tears as she hugged her Jii-chan. Her Jii-chan truly is the best person in the world.

Kaa-chan, even though she promised that they would be a happy family again, was rarely ever home. Ever since her promotion, she's been working harder than ever. Shiki-san as well. Shiki-san took everything in stride, and continued to work. What few interaction Mikan had with him, Mikan cherished them. Mikan knew Shiki-san likes her too, is starting to see her as his own daughter. And that's great. Mikan was also starting to see him as a father figure. She still couldn't call him Otou-san though, it's too embarrassing.

But someday she would. She just need more time. Just a little while longer.

* * *

Jii-chan is truly the sun in her life. Nothing could ever be bad with Jii-chan.

They spent more time together now that there's no long distance between them. They often took walks in the park on weekends, have picnic by the Sakura tree, and play Shogi at home while they laugh and talk at whatever they brought up. Mikan especially love the times when Jii-chan would help her with dinner and they would play Shiritori. Even better when Kaa-chan and Shiki-san came home from work, and they would all sit and eat dinner at the kitchen table, talking and laughing. Mikan loves it, because it was at these times that they truly feel like a family.

However, there was one time Jii-chan and Kaa-chan argued. Mikan was trying to sleep, her eyelids heavy with fatigue. It had been an emotionally trying day at school and at home. She saw Ruka and Hotaru almost every day, but this time they were both together, smiling at whatever it was that Hotaru was showing to Ruka on her pad. Mikan wanted to talk to both of them, but they both waved her off. Natsume looked especially grumpy that day, snapping biting remarks at her for almost the entire day, and whatever it was that she had done, it seemed she pissed off Sumire too. Mikan didn't know what she had done wrong, but she apologized and tried hard to please everyone. Everywhere she looked, it felt like the girls were glaring at her. Mikan smiled, acted as though she was oblivious to it all. And when she went to the club room, everyone was so busy, because the school festival was nearing, she could hardly get a word in with anyone.

It was so draining, it's almost like when she was 7 years old and was newly introduced to the class all over again.

When she came home, she wore that happy mask that everyone saw all the time and greeted Jii-chan. They both cooked dinner and watched TV together. Mikan could feel herself slowly unwind. And before she went to bed, Jii-chan gave her a kiss on her forehead and said, "Sweet dreams, little tangerine."

Mikan felt like she could take on the world that time.

As Mikan tried to will herself to sleep, she heard the front door open and close, and for a few moment there were low noises, and she recognized Jii-chan and Kaa-chan's voice. But then Jii-chan's tone went higher and Mikan could hear slight bits of their conversation.

"What is with you, Yuka? You're hardly home. Your daughter needs you, Yuka!"

"Jii-chan please, I'm just busy. Besides, Mikan's all grown up now; she doesn't need coddling."

"Do you listen to what you are saying? Of course Mikan had to act independent. You never give her the time of the day. Always working!"

"I'm working for Mikan, Jii-chan! I'm not just doing this for me."

"She needs her mother Yuka! Are you her mother right now? Do you even know your own daughter anymore?"

"How dare you! Of course I know. Why else am I working so hard. This is all for her, for our family! What are you trying to say Jii-chan? Why are you so angry right now? I'm not abusing her, or you for that matter."

"Ha! Working for her? You're not working for her. You're working for yourself. You're working because you want to avoid her. You're working because Mikan-chan reminds you of Izumi, and it hurts you doesn't it?

"Jii-chan please, not now," Shiki-san finally interfered. There were a few angry noises, but after a while they quieted down. Mikan heard doors closing, and with a troubled heart she slept.

Despite Jii-chan's words, Mikan didn't have sweet dreams that night.

The next day, it's as though the argument never happened. Jii-chan greeted her happily, and Kaa-chan and Shiki-san absentmindedly gave her good mornings and quickly went to work.

* * *

"Must be nice," Anna sighed, staring longingly at Ruka and Hotaru. Ever since Valentine, they were seen almost everywhere together. True enough, Ruka was the exemplary boyfriend, the perfect man, always with Hotaru, giving her whatever she needs, and treats her like the queen Mikan sometimes think she is. Mikan's pretty sure she's not the only one who thinks so as well, given that the entire school has agreed to her moniker, Blackmail Queen.

She's glad for them both, but her heart was still licking the wounds left behind from the rejection, the wounds never stopped bleeding. But Mikan could deal with this. This was just another one of the many cuts on her heart, she could deal with this. She can continue healing it slowly until it stopped bleeding and hardens into scabs, leaving the scars she knew would not disappear for a long, long time. She __has__ to. Mikan knew - _ _knows__ \- she'll break if she doesn't heal from this.

She's tried her hardest keeping it within herself, her personal demons growing ever so big, slowly but surely tying a noose around her neck. She knows the only way to cut it off is to talk, to seek professional help. But Mikan couldn't. Not with the way her household is held together with a spider's thread; fragile, and could be easily destroyed by any outside interference, no matter how peaceful and complacent it looks on the surface. Mikan's friends couldn't help either. She couldn't talk to anyone; Hotaru and Ruka are out, for obvious reasons; Anna and Nonoko, good people that they are, would only tell Mikan to talk with her family, something she doesn't think she could do; Sumire and the other girls, absolutely no and the same could be said too for the guys as well.

She's __trying,__ writing a diary, poured her heart out anonymously on confession websites, doing anything she could to heal, but it still hurts so much. Mikan doesn't think she can wear this happy, cheerful mask for the rest of her life.

But she'll wait until graduation, when things finally start to settle enough for her to seek help without making anybody worry too much.

"Still though, Mikan-chan, are you okay?"

"Hmm?" Hearing her name, Mikan snapped out of her thoughts and looked up. Anna and Nonoko are staring at her curiously, Sumire sitting near them as well. She had just joined the conversation. Her green eyes were also mirroring the same curiosity her two friends displayed.

"About what?" Mikan asked.

"You know," Nonoko huffed. "About Ruka and Hotaru dating! We know you like Ruka."

Mikan laughed at that. "Well, who doesn't like Ruka? Pretty sure everybody likes him."

"Yeah, but Ruka's dating your best friend. Don't you think that sort of stings? Pretty sure Hotaru knows about your feelings for him too," Anna quipped, slowly chewing egg rolls.

"And what does Hotaru knowing my feelings have anything to do with this? If both of them are happy, then I can set aside my feelings for them both. All I really want is for them to be happy." Not the whole truth, but it's not a lie.

Sumire scoffed. "What a pushover. Have you even __tried__ confessing?"

Mikan was silent for a bit too long. Enough to alert them, that yes, she had confessed.

"You have?! Well, what did Ruka say?" Anna asked excitedly.

"Obviously she was rejected," Sumire said, admiring her shiny, polished nails. Mikan likes them, they suit her. "If she wasn't, Imai and Ruka-sama wouldn't be dating."

Mikan laughed, pointing her chopstick at Sumire. "Yeah, what she said."

"Aww, that's all you're going to say? Come on, spill! Don't leave us hanging here," Nonoko pleaded.

"Well, what's there to say? I confessed, Ruka rejected, we talked a bit, then I told Ruka to go confess to Hotaru. Just because I'm unhappy for a short while doesn't mean I'll let others stay worried about me," Mikan shrugged. "And I don't like being pitied."

The reactions were immediate..

" _ _You__ told Ruka to go confess?"

"When did you confess?"

"What did you talk about?"

"Whoa, whoa!" Mikan said, her hands held up in a placating manner. "Please guys, you don't have to know. Ruka just said sorry when I confessed." Mikan smile turned into a sly grin. "And that's all I'm telling you."

"Whaaaaaat?" Anna whined. "Tell us more, I need the juicy details," Nonoko pleaded.

Sumire pouted. "Hmph. As if Ruka-sama would ever accept you. You're good, Mikan, but Ruka-sama deserve better. I'm glad he knows that."

"Sumire!" Anna and Nonoko looked at her, affronted by her words. But Mikan agreed with Sumire. Ruka deserves better than a scarred shadow that wear masks all the time. And Hotaru is the best.

"Good thing that Hotaru likes him too. She is the best for him," Mikan added as she closed her bentou box. She glanced at Hotaru and Ruka. Both of them were also going back to their seats. "Guys, break is over. Let's go back to our seats. Jinno-sensei is next. You know he doesn't like it when we're not at our seats."

And with that rather clumsy dismissal, Anna, Nonoko and Sumire went back to their seats. Anna and Nonoko looked at her with worry, while Sumire chatted with Wakako. Mikan smiled at them in a way she thought would assure them and took out her notes as Jinno-sensei finally came in, stern and terse as always.

* * *

Mikan couldn't sleep. She thought that maybe she's starting to become insomniac.

She had studied hard, and prepared for the school festival; it's only a few days away. The stress from studying and preparing and repressing her feelings has finally taken it's toll. She needs sleeping pills now. It's not healthy to rely on them, but it's the only way she can sleep without dreaming.

Her dreams were also turning darker each time. They were not nightmares, but Mikan felt that they could be. She dreamed of her all her teeth falling out of her mouth every time she tried to talk, had dreamed of hands emerging from the floor and dragging her down, had dreamed of Jii-chan dying, had dreamed of being inside a room with a knife and a balcony, her mouth and eyes crudely sewn shut.

Mikan ignored her dreams whenever she woke up. It's just dreams. Just something her brain thought of from time to time.

She slowly pulled on her hoodie, and went outside for a walk. Jii-chan was in the house, Kaa-chan and Shiki-san have not come home. She can leave her Jii-chan for a short while.

* * *

Sitting on a bench in a playground in the middle of the night, her hands holding a can of cocoa, Mikan wondered what went wrong in her life.

She had a good life, hadn't she? A good childhood, good friends, a loving family. Her school life was good too. She had a roof over her head, good food to eat, and had managed to learn enough to prepare for whatever life can throw at her. So why is she still unhappy? Why is she still so depressed?

It's because she's ungrateful, Mikan concluded. It's because she's greedy. Always wanting more, always needing more. Never satisfied. Mikan hates this part of her. If she wasn't like this, she could have been happy and content with anything that everybody gave.

As she slowly drank her cocoa, hoping the taste of chocolate could help her chase away these depressing thoughts, Mikan heard footsteps coming towards her. Mikan froze in shock and fear sets in, her body coiled tightly, adrenaline running through her veins.

 _ _Please let it not be some crazy maniac. Please let it not be a serial killing rapist.__

As the figure finally came to light, Mikan left out a sigh of relief. Her body relaxed. It's not a maniac, or a rapist.

It's a pervert. A pervert she knew. Mikan laughed inwardly at her thoughts.

"Natsume?" Mikan called out. Hearing his name, Natsume lifted his head and saw her, in her polka dotted hoodie and pink pajama pants, sitting on a bench. For a second, a flash of what could be construed as surprise came over Natsume's face, before it smoothed into his usual aloof expression.

"Polka, you're alone?" He said, as he stood in front of her. The looming would have usually made her uncomfortable, but oddly Mikan didn't mind it then.

"Yeah. I couldn't sleep. Kept thinking about things," Mikan replied. She gestured to the empty space beside her on the bench and Natsume wordlessly sat beside her, staring at her can of cocoa. "Do you want some, Natsume?" Mikan asked, as she gave him her remaining cocoa. Natsume lifted his eyebrow at that.

"If I didn't know better, I'd think that you're trying to get an indirect kiss from me."

"What?" Mikan spluttered, feeling her cheeks flush red with sudden heat at that. "No! I wasn't. You were staring at it. I thought you want some. I can't finish this, anyway." Mikan didn't think she can finish it, too deep in her thoughts to bother with it.

Natsume looked at her, an unreadable expression on his face. Mikan sometimes notice that look on him whenever he talks to her. Mikan still can't tell what it means.

But it's probably something good, because whenever he had that look, he never teased her. Mikan had deluded herself into thinking that maybe that look means he's paying attention to her whenever she babbles away at him.

Natsume slowly took the can from her and drank it, his eyes still on her. It looked like he was enjoying it. Mikan thought he would like it. The cocoa she picked was a bit on the bitter side, because she's been eating way too many sweets lately. Her metabolism burns them away as though it was nothing, but you can't be too sure.

"So, what are you doing? Can't sleep too?"

"Hnn." Mikan had heard him talk enough to tell that it was a yes.

"I can't sleep too, I'm too nervous," Mikan admitted. She then gave out a laugh. "A little bit stressed too."

"Stressed? About the school festival?" Natsume asked as he threw the empty can of cocoa into a bin a few distance away. It flew inside smoothly and Mikan 'ooooh'-ed at that, clapping at the impressive throw. Natsume huffed at that as though he thought Mikan was being childish, but Mikan saw the slight upwards tilt at the corner of his mouth. Mikan smiled at him.

"Yeah, but there are other things too. Not just the school festival." Mikan sighed. "I'm thinking too much. Hotaru said it's not good."

"What were you thinking about?"

"You want to know?" Mikan couldn't help but said, the surprise evident n her words. It's rare that Natsume would be curious enough at something to ask.

"I wouldn't ask if I didn't want to, now would I Polka?"

Mikan hummed. Could this be it? Her chance to finally spill what's in her mind for so long? Natsume, for all his shortcomings, is a good friend. He wouldn't have somebody like Ruka as his best friend if he wasn't. He wouldn't have so many admirers if he was a bad guy. Ruka was so loyal to him, and Mikan knew that Natsume is good to people he cares for. Just look at the way he looks after Aoi-chan.

Her heart was beating so fast. Her hands shaking from nerves. Natsume noticed it. "Polka?" he pressed.

Mikan closed her eyes. Just a little bit, she thought. Not everything. Just enough to temporarily lift the heavy weight around her shoulders.

"...there's trouble at home."

At that, Natsume shifted his body towards her, his elbows on his knees as he placed his chin on fingers clasped together. He nodded. "Go on."

Grateful at the attention he's giving and his willingness to listen, Mikan continued. "Ever since Jii-chan moved in with us, he would sometimes argue with Kaa-chan whenever they think I'm asleep. He thinks Kaa-chan isn't spending enough time with us." Mikan clenched her hands with frustration. "I hate it. I don't like them fighting. But I'm scared to get in between them. I don't want to cause trouble."

"What about your stepfather?"

"Shiki-san helps calm them both down, but he would always take Kaa-chan's side. I don't think Jii-chan liked that. They would both stop whenever he finally interfered though."

"Do you think that Yuka-san isn't spending enough time with all of you?"

Mikan gave out a helpless laugh at that. "Not like I can do anything about that. Kaa-chan said she's doing it for me and Jii-chan. I don't mind her not staying, I know work is important. I just wish both of them stop fighting."

Mikan looked at him straight into his eyes. She needed him to understand exactly just what she's giving to him."I want everyone to be happy. I know Jii-chan's worried, but this isn't so bad, really. I can handle a few days of not meeting Kaa-chan. This isn't permanent after all. It'll get better soon. I just have to be patient."

Natsume stared at back her. Mikan only noticed then that his posture was ramrod straight. "Is that all?" he asked. She slowly shook her head, saying nothing more. She hoped Natsume got the clue. For now, this is all she's willing to say to him. She can't say anything else, terrified of what he would think because despite the regular bickering in class, Mikan cared about Natsume's opinions. Letting out everything now didn't seem like a good idea. She didn't think she could do it anyway.

Natsume frowned at that, but Mikan knew he understood. He sighed. Mikan couldn't help but feel fondness and warmth towards him.

"Thanks, Natsume, for willing to listen. I feel better now," Mikan said. Natsume nodded at her.

Mikan shook her head, as though trying to forget about the fact that she poured out a part of her that has been hidden for so long to a guy who still calls her by the childish prints she wore years ago. "Enough about me!" Mikan exclaimed. "Why are you out here? Need the fresh air too?"

He looked at her as though he was contemplating about something. Finally, after a moment of silence, Natsume said, "…it's Aoi."

Mikan gestured at him to continue. Natsume gave a rather loud sigh as he carded his fingers through his hair; the first time he had ever shown his current emotions so blatantly to her. "The doctor said she has a weak heart, so they had her stay at the hospital." Natsume crossed his arms and stared at the slide, his gaze blank. Mikan knew he will say no more than that.

Mikan loves little Aoi-chan. She's a cheerful little sunflower that brightens Mikan's day just for a little bit whenever she's around. Her bright energy was precious and her cheer infectious. She loves her, and it's obvious that Aoi-chan like her as well. Natsume, despite teasing Aoi so much, loves her too and would do anything for her. Hearing that the little sunflower was sick, Mikan could feel worry creeping into her heart, for both Aoi and Natsume.

Seeing the usually so confident Natsume so lost and defensive makes Mikan want do something to smooth his worries away. Natsume was kind enough to listen to her. Helping him now was the least she could do.

So Mikan tried calming Natsume down in the only way she knew: she neared towards him and wrapped her arms around his shoulders. She could feel Natsume's body stiffen at the hug, but slowly, his body relaxed.

"I know my words aren't much," Mikan whispered as she moved her hands up and down his back, trying to comfort him, "but what I can say is that Aoi-chan's strong. She'll get better. All she needs is her Onii-chan and Kaa-san to be there for her. And knowing you, you're already doing everything you could. So," Mikan finished with a pat on his back, "don't worry. It'll be alright."

Natsume had relaxed completely by then. His hands had fell to his sides and his face was buried at the crook of her neck. He gave a sigh, the hot and slightly moist breath caressed over her shoulder as she resisted the urge to shudder at the ticklish sensation. They stayed that way for a while, as Mikan continued hugging him, giving him a shoulder to lean on just for a little while.

This is what Mikan could give him right now, and Mikan would willingly do so. It's her form of thank you. If Natsume needed physical affection, then Mikan could give it to him.

* * *

When Natsume was finally done, he pushed her away. Glancing at her phone and realizing just how late it's been, Mikan decided to go home. But not before Natsume deciding to accompany her home. Mikan took this as his form of thanks and as they went to her house, Mikan chat at whatever comes to mind, the aimless babble almost calming. Natsume was walking, his gaze was ahead, but Mikan knew he was listening.

This was routine. It felt nice.

When they finally arrived, Mikan walked to the door and waved goodbye. Natsume didn't leave until Mikan was safely in her home and had the door locked. Only then, he left for his home, both of his hands shoved inside his pockets. Mikan felt the warmth in her heart grow.

It was going to be morning soon. She had to cook breakfast. However, Mikan allowed herself to procrastinate. Just for a little while, to savour the warmth while it's still there. Mikan doubt it'll stay. But it felt nice. Mikan, for a moment, felt at peace with herself.

* * *

Mikan rubbed concealer under her eyes. The dark bags were hidden. She looked like she didn't just spent an entire night talking with Natsume in a quiet park, sharing a can of cocoa with him. Then, after a quiet breakfast, she went to school, kissing her Jii-chan goodbye. Her shoulders felt lighter than they had been in years.

* * *

When Kaa-chan finally came home after the day was over, she called everyone to sit in the living room. Mikan had never seen her look so nervous and excited before. Shiki-san, who had always looked so expressionless, was almost smiling. Mikan took that as a sign that Kaa-chan was going to say something really good.

When everyone was finally seated, Kaa-chan said, "I'm pregnant."

Mikan exclaimed happily at that and Kaa-chan hugged her. She was excited, because she's going to have new siblings. But the heaviness around her shoulders returned.

It was nice while it lasted.

* * *

A.N.: I'll correct any errors once I've had the time. This is typed in a haste, so expect some. Feel free to leave some criticism while you are at it. Thanks for reading!


	4. Chapter 3: Falling and Breaking

A.N.: This week's update is a little late. Again, this is unbeta-ed, and typed in a haste. I'll fix the errors later. And like the previous tones, this is going to get darker as Mikan slowly becomes unstable. Enjoy.

Edited: 20/7/2018

* * *

 **CHAPTER 3: FALLING AND BREAKING**

* * *

"Welcome! What would you like?" Mikan asked for the nth time that day. She's staying at the Home Ec Booth, serving others their orders.

It's the Gakuen Alice School Festival. After months of preparation, the day finally came, and Mikan was determined to see through everything. They had worked so hard for it, and Mikan could see that hard work paying off as she admired the colourful decorations and loud atmosphere around the school.

The Home Ec. Club had decided to host a cosplay cafe. Mikan had been a bit hesitant about it, because it would mean dressing up, but seeing everyone so eager, she went along with it. Besides, dressing up as an anime character wasn't so bad sometimes. She could definitely see the appeal of it.

Their senpai, Sawako Kotobuki and Miwako Ofuda, who were cosplayers and had faithfully attended Comicon every year, had been in charge of their costumes. They had kept the costumes to themselves, and only revealed it to everyone a day before the festival, when it's too late for them to complain. Mikan didn't understand why they would do that.

They did a good job with the costumes, after all.

Anna cosplayed as Luka Megurine, Nonoko as Mio Akiyama. Everyone received outfits from different animes. Nobody shared an outfit from the same anime. Kotobuki-senpai and Ofuda-senpai wanted everyone to be different, to add a little variety. They even prepared the accessories to go with the outfit. Mikan herself had been a bit hesitant when they gave her Uraraka Ochaco's white and pink uniform and wig, but she wore it and was surprised at how comfortable it was.

To be honest, she liked it when she saw herself in the mirror. She looked like she was ready to go to Comicon herself. That and it made her look pretty, not childish. Mikan often had people telling her that she looked cute, but Mikan knows that they meant that in a way a child is cute, or in a way a kitten is cute. She had not grown much, despite being 17, and she's the shortest in her class. So to see herself like this, looking not-cute and not-school-girl-ish and not girl-next-door-ish, like a cosplayer, makes her somewhat glad.

* * *

True enough, people flocked to the cosplay cafe. The food, after weeks of preparation, were delicious and they even set up a photo booth so that customers can take pictures with their chosen cosplayer. The chance to upload pictures on social media, eat good food and ogle at the cosplayers were enough to attract a lot of people to their place. Mikan was glad for that, remembering all those times she stayed behind at school to help the club prepare for this event, the exhaustion and the sheer pressure she felt.

As Mikan placed another order of omurice, she felt a tap on her shoulder and turned around. Miruku-senpai, wearing Amnesia's Shujinko outfit, smiled and said, "Your shift is over, Mikan-chii. You can take a break for the rest of the day." She held her hand up. "Good work, Mikan!"

Mikan smiled back at her, and gave her the high five Miruku-senpai was waiting for. "Good work as well, senpai." She then looked down at her costume. She wanted to wear this and walk around the school in it. Mikan didn't know why, but she thought it would make it seem more festive. Where else would she be able to wear cosplay again? Despite liking manga, Mikan wouldn't consider herself an otaku, she doesn't go to places that would be a good place to wear cosplay. She's not like Kotobuki-senpai or Ofuda-senpai. She's not like Natsume who would go to Comicon without fail. Natsume looked so cool, people wouldn't think he was an otaku. But he is; a shounen otaku, and isn't that something?

Miruku-senpai, looking at her thoughtful expression, said, "You don't have to take the outfit off if you don't want to. I'm sure Miwako and Sawako wouldn't mind. Just make sure you don't dirty or rip it."

Mikan beamed at that. "Thanks!" Just before she went out, Anna stepped in, looking as cheerful and as lovely as ever.

"Oh Mikan-chan, you're done? Good work, Mikan."

"Yep. I was just going to go around the school. I want to check out the other booths as well. It's so lively! And colourful! I don't want to miss anything," Mikan admitted, showing acceptable amounts of guilt and excitement. Mikan hoped she didn't have to do anything else in the booth, because she's exhausted. She's been here since morning, preparing and serving until almost 2 in the afternoon.

Anna clapped her hands once. "Then, since you are going around the school, can you pass out these fliers? It would be good advertisement, with you wearing your cosplay," Anna suggested, her eyes roaming appreciatively at Mikan. After one too many such gazes that day, Mikan quickly found that she really liked it.

Mikan shrugged. It didn't seem like much of a chore. She can deal handing out fliers. "Sure."

"Great!" Anna rushed in a few minutes later, she came back and handed a small stack of papers to Mikan. Mikan took the papers, and walked out, waving goodbye at everyone in the booth.

* * *

Her first stop was the photography club. Tsubasa-senpai and Misaki-senpai were there. Normally, the photography club would host a small exhibition showcasing some photographs they took over the years and a stand with the photography equipment, but this year, they decided to have a whole collage of walls just filled with photographs. The pictures were so much, it took an entire three walls. It looked very impressive.

Another part of the wall was dedicated to photo shoots. You can pick an outfit prepared by the photography club, and have one of the club members take your photo. Which is great. Much better than the previous festivals.

Tsubasa-senpai was in the middle of taking photos of a group of giggly girls with glossy locks and glittery gowns when he finally noticed her.

"Mikan-chan! How are you, squirt?" Tsubasa-senpai asked, after he finished taking photos of the girls. He gave his signature carefree grin as he ruffled her wig. Mikan was very glad that Anna had secured the wig with pins.

"Ah Tsubasa-senpai! Your club booth is so nice."

"I know right?" he agreed. He looked around the room, the pride unmistakable in his eyes. "It took us so, so, soooo __looooong__ to get all these photos set up. But it's worth it, don't you think?"

"Definitely worth it," Misaki-senpai said, suddenly appearing seemingly out of nowhere. Mikan suddenly found herself in a hug, as Misaki squeezed her, her body language show just how giddy she was.

"Ooooh, Mikan-chan you are so __cute__!" Misaki exclaimed, enveloping Mikan in a cloud of warm perfume and fresh laundry, her face practically suffocating from the way Misaki pressed her buxom chest towards her. ' _ _How unfair__ ,' Mikan thought before she felt her lungs quickly run out of air.

Squashing the envious feeling welling up inside her, Mikan tapped at Misaki's back frantically.

"Misaki-senpai…. can't breathe…"

"Ooops!" With that, Misaki-senpai let her go, a sheepish look on her face. Tsubasa-senpai laughed boisterously.

"I don't blame Misaki. You __do__ look very cute. Makes me want to pinch your cheeks." Tsubasa made grabby hands towards her face, as though he was going to try. Mikan puffed her cheeks in retaliation, as though filling her cheeks with air was going to stop Tsubasa-senpai from trying, and crossed her arms.

Tsubasa merely snickered. In a second, Tsubasa's hand moved quickly and grabbed both of her cheeks. He pinched them and __yanked__ it apart. He gave a low whistle as Mikan flailed around.

"Wow, so stretchy. It's like mochi," Tsubasa remarked, amused to hell and back.

"Shuwashaa-shenfaiiiiii," she whined.

"But it's so much fun though!"

Suddenly, Mikan could feel a murderous aura behind her. A fist flew straight to Tsubasa-senpai, effectively releasing Mikan from his hands. Mikan looked at the owner of said fist, and saw Misaki smiling brightly. Her eyes weren't so bright.

"Tsubasa…"

"Okay, okay, Misaki! Geez."

He rubbed at his aching cheek, trying to soothe the pain. But as always, he wasn't upset. How can he, when they do this almost every day for years?

Mikan rubbed both of her cheeks, sighing in relief. She liked them both, but sometimes their energy can be a bit much.

Misaki turned to Mikan, an apologetic smile on her face as she placed a hand one of Mikan's cheeks, rubbing it gently. "Sorry about that idiot. He doesn't know how annoying he can be sometimes."

"It's alright," Mikan replied. It's true, she had long gotten used to it.

"Well, how about we take a picture of you, Mikan? Free of charge," Misaki offered. Mikan smiled.

"Sure!"

* * *

After she had her photo taken, she gave the fliers to Misaki and Tsubasa. Both of them looked interested. Mikan suggested that they take photos of the cosplayers there. Tsubasa looked eager at that, his dark eyes shining brightly.

"We'll come by when we're done, okay?" Tsubasa said.

"Alright!"

She waved goodbye to them and went on her way. Mikan remembered Sumire and Wakako as a part of the Occult Club. Mikan didn't know why they are members of a club so obviously not their interest whatsoever, but it should probably be interesting if it managed to snag the attention of someone so critical and image oriented as Sumire.

' _ _Occult Club, huh? Can't be that bad, right?__ '

* * *

It's __bad__. Mikan seriously regretted coming there. Because the Occult Club is not an occult club. At __all__.

The moment she entered, she was greeted with a huge, __huge__ banner with Natsume and Ruka's faces on it. There were rows and rows of discarded miscellaneous items Mikan suspected both of them used at some point. There were snapshots of Hotaru stapled to straw dolls with nails embedded in them, as though they were hammered down with vengeance. Strings of pictures featuring Natsume and Ruka and sometimes both together in different moments together hung around the room like ominous Christmas decorations from hell. The room was filled entirely with girls, eyes glinting with obsessive love, pronouncing their love to the pictures almost maniacally. Tied to their wrists and hair are small banners. Mikan couldn't read them, but knew enough not to stare any further for the sake of her sanity. She gave the room another look and could not help a shudder running down her spine.

It's a club. A fan club. A Natsume and Ruka cult fan club. Mikan had never been both so morbidly fascinated and terrified in her life.

Mikan slowly backed away from the club and quietly closed the door. When the door closed with a 'click', she turned around and ran.

* * *

"In hindsight, maybe I shouldn't be surprised," Mikan muttered to herself when she was a good distance away from the club. She thought about Sumire and Wakako and shrugged. ' _ _Eh, I could always see them later. Just nowhere near that club, because it's terrifying.__ '

* * *

She stopped by the other clubs. Just like with the other clubs and it's members, she 'oooh'-ed and 'ahhh'-ed and when she was done taking her fill, she complimented the club members for their job well done and then gave them the flier. It may sound like she's pandering, but she's not. She really had thought they did a good job. There were others that Mikan didn't quite get, but Mikan appreciated them nonetheless. She could see when hard work was given. She'll give that much credit.

Most of the student body already knew who Mikan was, either because of her association with Hotaru, Ruka and Natsume, or because of the fact that she's the elementary school principal's niece. They never outright bullied her, not anymore, but sometimes, she would hear bad rumours. Nothing she couldn't handle though. She had been dealing with negative feelings her whole life, she could deal a few tongue lashings near bathrooms.

She had finished visiting with the Classic Literature Club. Iinchou was there, and his eyes nearly fell out of his sockets when Mikan came to visit. Even after they knew each other since they were classmates from elementary school, he never stopped blushing around her, or any girl for that matter. He had always remained shy as ever. Mikan found that very endearing. He was still stammering, eyes wandering around as Mikan came and bought their anthology, then she handed him the flier.

After smiling brightly at him as she waved goodbye, finally finished with handing out the fliers, Mikan went to the bathroom. After walking around the school and sampling everything they have and trying everything they offered, Mikan needed to pee.

When she was done, she was about to go outside when she heard footsteps and a bunch of girls talking. Mikan didn't recognize them, can't quite figure out their voices. But as the footsteps became nearer, Mikan could hear bits and pieces of it. She immediately sat on the closed toilet seat, bringing her knees to her chest and holding them with her arms. Mikan can't quite pinpoint when she had this very bad habit of eavesdropping on people. She knew eavesdropping was rude, but Mikan ignored the slight feeling of guilt in favour of listening in. It's amazing what people would say when they think no one of importance was listening.

"- that Sakura bitch is seriously annoying though."

"Right? Hanging around Natsume-sama and Ruka-sama, who does she think she is?"

"I bet she's blackmailing them to tolerate her."

"Oh come on, of course she is. Just look at her best friend, if you can even call the way Imai treats her like a best friend. Heck, I don't think they are best friends at all."

"Why else would they bother with her? As though anyone can stand being near her."

Mikan heard them broke into giggles. She could hear two very familiar voices. Her heart sank slowly.

"Seriously though, Sumire, how can you possibly stand near her? Isn't she annoying?"

"She is. But I can tolerate her. She's just like any other peons in this school. I've tolerated extras before, I can tolerate Little Miss Sunshine," Mikan heard Sumire said. She imagined Sumire twirling her hair around her fingers idly as she said that, could imagine her usual haughty and proud expression as her lips curled into a sneer at ' _ _Little Miss Sunshine__.'

"But aren't you friends though? You know each other since you both were, what, 7?"

"I know Imai and Mochu since I was 7. Does that make them my friend?"

Mikan tried to regulate her breathing, tried to muffle her voice as she shoved both of her fists into her mouth. She wasn't close friend with Sumire, but Mikan at least considers her as a friend, no longer a childhood acquaintance. To hear this…

But it didn't end there.

"Huh, it would be wonderful if she just left, wouldn't it? Then she wouldn't stand in our way."

"Yeah, it would be great if she just __disappear.__ "

"Now, now ladies." This time, Mikan recognized Wakako. "No need to be so vicious. Ruka-sama and Natsume-sama doesn't like vicious girls. Just ignore her. Pretend she's a fly. Or better yet, pretend she doesn't exist." Wakako gave out a laugh that sounded like bells. "That's what I did."

Mikan couldn't hear anything anymore. Her body was shaking so badly from the rage and despair she felt. Mikan didn't know how long she stayed in there, long after they left. All she could remember was how her body wouldn't stop shaking, how her cheeks flushed with insidious heat, how her hands felt ice cold and clammy from sweat.

When she finally managed to gain control of herself, she stepped out and looked at herself in the bathroom mirror before leaving. She looked neat enough, composed enough. Her wig was in place and any stray hair had been smoothed down. Her body had stopped shaking, her face was a careful blank expression. Her eyes weren't red, no sign indicating that she had cried at all. The only thing that betrayed her calm facade was her skin; so pale, she was almost bloodless.

Mikan stepped out and slapped another smile on her face as she left.

* * *

Mikan stood in front of the Home Ec. Club. She was about to open the door when she heard her name.

"Mikan-chii is one very strange girl, isn't she? She's never angry, never sad, never complained, always smiling and looks so happy all the time," Miruku-senpai remarked.

"Well, that's the nice thing about Mikan-chan" Anna said. "She never gave up. Remember how when she first came to Tokyo and came to GA?"

"Kinda hard to forget, isn't it? She came in and started talking in that funny accent. Then, Hyuuga-san flipped her skirt up and showed everybody her panties. That was definitely unforgettable. I don't think Hyuuga-san ever let her live that down," Nonoko replied.

"Remember the dodgeball game? Even when she lost, she still smiled and looked so happy," Kotobuki-senpai said. Mikan could hear that puzzled tone in her voice.

"What about when Koko pranked her and had her walk around the Northern Forest looking for her backpack? I thought she was finally going to get angry, but even then, she smiled," Ofuda-senpai added.

"Right? It feels as though she's hiding something," Miruku-senpai said, her voice had a note of suspicion to it.

Anna and Nonoko burst into laughter. "Mikan-chan, hiding something? She's a terrible liar. Somebody as naive and kinda idiotic as her can never lie, we would know," Nonoko replied, her laughter still there.

Anna agreed at that. "No way somebody as dense as her could do that.'

' _ _Naive, idiotic, dense__.'

On a normal day, Mikan would have dismissed that. She knew who she was, knew that it was true. She would shake her head and laughed deprecatingly. But not today, not after having to deal with Kaa-chan's fading affection to her, not after having to deal with school, not after working her hardest, not after hearing Sumire and Wakako's opinion of her, and certainly not after all her hard work trying to be a good person.

Without thinking, Mikan opened the door without warning. Mikan saw them jump at that and the slight looks of guilt on their face. Mikan wanted to feel satisfied looking at their reaction, because they should feel guilty for talking about her like that. She smiled but she felt nothing looking at their face. All she wanted was for the day to end.

"Hi, everyone," she greeted. "I've finished handing the fliers. Were there a lot of customers?"

"Yes," Miruku replied, quickly plastering a grateful look on her face. "Good work, Mikan."

Mikan beamed. It felt so fake. Everything about her felt fake. "Great! I'll change first okay, Jii-chan's waiting for me."

She stepped in the changing room and left everyone.

* * *

"Mikan-chan," Anna asked as they both took of their costumes.

"Hmm?"

"Did you… hear what we said earlier?"

"Nope," Mikan lied. The lie felt like ash on her tongue. "Not a thing."

"Oh." Anna looked relieved.

"Should I know about it?"

"Oh no, it's nothing important," Anna frantically replied, eyes darting all over Mikan's face. "Just baking techniques and stuff. I'm trying to bake souffles, but nothing I did was working."

"I see. Share the baking techniques later okay? I want to know too."

"Alright."

* * *

When Mikan was finally done changing. She walked on her way to the club Hotaru is in. She wanted to talk to Hotaru, its been a while since they walked home together. Mikan somewhat missed her.

She was too late though. Ruka beat her to it. She saw them walking outside and they chat, with Ruka holding all of Hotaru's equipment.

Mikan knew better than to interrupt a couple so she quickly went to a dark hallway and hid near the vending machine. It would hide her from Ruka and Hotaru's gaze. As they both walked side by side, Mikan heard snippets of their conversation, and what do you know? It's about her.

As they went by, Mikan heard bits of their conversation.

"It's been a while since you've seen Mikan-chan. Don't you miss her?"

"Don't worry about her, the idiot can take care of herself."

"You are never honest are you Hotaru? But still shouldn't you go see her? She's your childhood friend, isn't she?"

"She's not my childhood friend."

Mikan couldn't hear anything else after that. When they were finally out of sight, Mikan slid down to the floor and tried to control her breathing. As she tried to get a hold of herself, Mikan wondered why she had never noticed how deafening silence could be.

* * *

Mikan stood behind the yellow line in the train station. She could hear the speaker announcing the train's arrival in a few minutes. It wasn't rush hour, thankfully. When Mikan finally felt herself calm down, it was already past 6 in the evening.

Her walk to the train station was filled with all the things she heard that day. People's true opinions of her and how they are when she wasn't around. Mikan wouldn't dream of thinking that everyone liked her, but hadn't she done her best? Why do people still don't like her? What else does she have to do?

Mikan could feel herself slowly succumbing to exhaustion as her body swayed from side to side. Just before the train arrived, Mikan felt somebody bump into her and she staggered beyond the yellow line. Unable to find her balance, she felt gravity drag her down and let herself fall to the tracks.

Mikan closed her eyes, waiting and feeling herself giving in.

* * *

A.N: Nope this is not the end. There's still more. This is not the deep end, not yet. Mikan is just very close to it now.

Don't hate the characters. This is from Mikan's perspective, she wouldn't see other parts of people that are there, just parts that are shown. This story does not have any obvious antagonist, and the girls are definitely not it. They are merely human, and flawed. Just watch. I have so many exciting things to do with them -rubs hands with glee-

Thanks for reading. Reviews and criticism are more welcome. In fact, the more you review, the faster I'll update new chapters. So, click the button below this and start typing! It'll make my day.


	5. Chapter 4: Falling

**A.N.: Warning, ending is extremely uncomfortable and depressing. If you are sensitive, skip through everything and read the summary at the end of the chapter.  
**

* * *

 **CHAPTER 4: FALLING**

* * *

The ringing in her ears were at a deafening volume when she felt a strong hand grab her arm and pulled her away from the tracks. Just in time before the train came. The speed of the train and the sound of the rails resounded through the building as winds generated from the train blew around her. She blankly stared at the train that would have squished her had somebody not pulled her away.

Mikan could feel an odd twinge of disappointment in her belly.

"What are you __doing__ , Mikan-chan?"

Mikan looked up at her saviour and lo and behold, it was Koko. He looked horrified and worried. Mikan had never seen that look on his face before.

"Waiting for the train."

"By falling on the tracks?" Koko asked incredulously.

"Someone bumped into me Koko, and I lost my balance."

Koko looked like he was going to say more, but shut his mouth and dragged Mikan into one of the train compartments when the doors finally opened. He guided Mikan through the crowd (Mikan could see people looking at her with varying degrees of wariness and worry; they must have seen her falling) and when he saw an empty seat, he forced her to sit down. It wasn't difficult finding a seat, since it wasn't rush hour thankfully. He then pulled a bottle of green tea from his bag and shoved it in Mikan hands. Mikan looked at the bottle with mild amusement and then at Koko who proceeded to sit beside her, no longer looking so horrified but still worried.

"You should drink that," Koko said. "It's gonna calm you down. It's new, I didn't drink it, so you don't have to worry about sharing spit with me."

Mikan let out a laugh. "Don't worry Koko. Even if you already drank from this, a little saliva won't bother me." She held up the bottle in front of him, and slightly shook it. "You sure you want to give this to me?"

Koko shrugged. "After that near miss? I'll give it to you. You need it more anyway."

Mikan smiled. "My prince charming," she said in a deliberately breathy tone, fluttering her eyelashes as she placed both of her hands with the bottle to her heart, as though trying to calm it down.

Koko gave an exaggerated bow, playing along to Mikan. "Happy to be of service, my lady," he bellowed, wriggling his eyebrows at her. She let out a giggle and shoved his shoulder. Koko let out an explosive sigh, like he was hurt about it.

"You are ridiculous."

"Well, it calmed you down, didn't it?" Koko replied.

Mikan only smiled at him. Deciding to humour him, she opened the bottle of green tea and took a sip, sighing as the cold liquid soothed her throat. She then turned to look at him, as if to say, 'Satisfied?'

But Koko no longer had an amiable look on his face. He was frowning, a rare look on the usually cheerful boy. He asked, "Are you really ok, Mikan? And I'm asking seriously here."

Mikan didn't answer. Because she herself didn't know the meaning of 'ok'. What does it mean? Is it a question about her health, her mental state, her relationships? However, even if Mikan knew, she still wouldn't tell Koko. Or anyone or that matter. Reminded of the conversation people had about her in the culture festival, she doesn't think she can trust anyone with her inner thoughts. They already thought so low of her, and telling them her problems as well? __No__. Until they've showed their hand, Mikan wouldn't show hers.

Seeing Mikan so silent, the crease between Koko's eyebrows became more prominent. "Mikan-chan, you know that there are people who care about you right?"

"Really?" Her voice was teasing, lilting. Mikan smiled at him as though she wouldn't believe him.

Koko looked at her straight in the eye, and said in a voice so serious it almost sounded like it came from a different person, "Yes, Mikan. There are."

"Like who?"

"Mikan-chan, everyone who knows you personally cares about you. Sumire and Wakako may not show it, but they do. Natsume and Ruka as well. Then there's Mochu, Kitsuneme and me; we can look after you too. What about Anna, and Nonoko? And your best, friend Hotaru? Andou-senpai, Harada-senpai, Tono-senpai, they love you, don't they? And-and-and the teachers! Your family? You know that right? You know they care, don't you?"

At that, Mikan smiled reassuringly. "I know Koko, I know all of them care about me," she replied. ' _ _Even if I'll always be second best to them__ ,' Mikan added in her heart.

Koko didn't look convinced. He leaned slightly towards her, still looking at her with that ( _ _misplaced__ ) concerned eyes. "Mikan-chan, sometimes when I look at you, I can't tell what you're thinking. It makes me worried." Koko then grinned and scratched his cheek in slight embarrassment. "In fact, you're the only person I can't quite read. Ever since you came to Gakuen Alice, I never know what you are thinking Everybody else is so easy. But not you. It's like you have a mask on your face all the time, even when we were children," he said.

Mikan cringed internally at that unknowingly yet incredibly accurate statement. ' _ _If only you knew..'__

"And there are times, when I look at you, and I can't help but think that you remind me of strong people. No matter what happens, no matter how bad things became, you always smile and stand up and make the most of it. You really are amazing, you know?"

Abashed at the compliment, Mikan looked back on all those times she smiled and tried to stay put together and came back to her room and start binge eating sweets and confessing on online websites and the __sheer__ amount of tears and depressing thoughts and dark dreams. Strong? Mikan has never been strong. Mikan doesn't deserve that compliment.

She's nothing but a liar.

"Why are you telling me all this, Koko? I'm flattered and all, but.." Mikan trailed off, confused.

"Before you fell, I saw you," Koko started. "I saw you walking towards the train and waiting and I saw your face. You looked like your usual self, you know, cheerful and everything, but you also look… wrong?"

"Wrong?"

"Just wrong!" Koko cried out. "You look like Mikan, like regular old Mikan, except- it's like- you're not the Mikan Sakura I know!"

Mikan looked startled at the loud remark. And looking at everybody else around her who gave them wide eyed look of surprise, it also seemed like they were startled by Koko too. He noticed the looks they were receiving and gave the appropriate apologetic look but he didn't stop.

"The Mikan Sakura I know," Koko whispered heatedly, "is a very sunny person. A very admirable person. Somebody who never gives up. Who always smile and look for the best in people even when they treat her bad. Back then you… you weren't like that at all. When that __asshole__ ," Koko snarled slightly at that, "bumped into you and didn't even help you up, I saw you fall. And I saw your face."

Koko looked at Mikan and the horrified expression was back. "I saw your face, Mikan-chan," he said quietly. "You looked… you just looked so down. You looked so sad. And you closed your eyes, like you're waiting for the train to hit you."

His voice trembled slightly, and he added, "Like you __want__ the train to hit you. I don't think I've ever ran so fast to anyone before."

"Oh Koko…" Mikan honestly didn't know what to say to that. Had she been so transparent? That wasn't good. Some damage control was necessary.

Mikan formed a cheerful smile, the most cheerful smile she could muster. She curled both her hands into loose fists and pumped her hands into the air. "I'm fine Koko!," she lied. "Today was just a bad day. And I think too much sometimes. When I get back, I'll binge eat on cake and then I'll be back to the lil' old Mikan you know."

That wasn't a lie. Over time, Mikan figured out that the best kind of acting, the best mask, the best lie is always one that had bits of truth in them. This way, she wouldn't lie completely, but she wouldn't tell the whole truth. She's just showing people the things she wanted them to see.

Koko looked reluctant to accept that statement, but he smiled at her back. "Ok, Mikan-chan. Just know that we're here to listen if you need us."

"Mmm hmmmm!"

* * *

"I'm home!"

"Welcome home, little tangerine," Jii-chan greeted back. He was sitting with Kaa-chan in the living room. The TV was on and it showed a commercial about a vacuum. Kaa-chan was busy knitting something. Mikan assumed it was related to the babies that are going to be born in a month or so.

That's right, __babies__. Kaa-chan's pregnant with twins. She was very excited and scared of the prospect of twin step siblings.

"Welcome back," Kaa-chan replied idly, still focused on her knitting. She's not looking at Mikan. Mikan ignored the coil in her chest tightening and immediately went to the kitchen, and said, "I'll start dinner right away!"

Putting on her apron, she immediately set to work.

* * *

Dinner ended uneventfully. Shiki-san came back shortly after she was done setting the plates and everybody sat on the table. Mikan talked about the cultural festival and everyone listened (or at least, Mikan hoped they were but Kaa-chan merely nodded and hummed as she stroked her swollen belly lovingly. Shiki-san looked like he was at least trying to listen but he looked at Kaa-chan with that fond look he always had whenever he was around her. Jii-chan was the only one who truly looked immersed in her explanation.)

After they cleaned up, Mikan collected the dishes and went to wash them. Kaa-chan and Shiki-san retreated to the bedroom, as they had started doing these nights ever since Kaa-chan had entered her final trimester.

Jii-chan stayed with her, keeping her company. Mikan had absolutely forbid him from helping her, worried that his old age is going to catch up to him. Her dreams of Jii-chan dying is coming up more often than not. Mikan hated the reminder, hated that soon, time is going to come and death will finally reap the one family member who truly cared about her. Mikan can smile, but she needed one person to be there for her. She's aware that she's overly dependant on others, always so troubled by others thoughts and opinions of her, but there's nothing she can do to change this part of her.

Right now, if something happened to Jii-chan, Mikan wasn't sure she can handle it.

Before both of them went to bed, they both watched the news and the shows after that together. Mikan and Jii-chan didn't talk, merely stood there side by side, enjoying the silent companionship. Mikan loved these moments.

When the show was finally finished, Jii-chan took her hands in his old, wizened ones. "Little tangerine, I love you."

Mikan tilted her head. "I know. I love you too, Jii-chan."

Jii-chan smiled, his eyes suspiciously gleaming. "I know that right now, you are miserable. You don't think you are worth anything. But there will come a time when people will finally start noticing you. Know this, they will care for you. You are not alone, Mikan-chan."

"I know Jii-chan. I hope so," Mikan replied.

"There will come a time when somebody who loves you more than I do appear in your life. And knowing that one day, such a day will come, I can rest easy. I can finally go die in peace."

"Jii-chan," Mikan warned, her voice shaky. "Don't talk like that. I don't like it when you talk like that."

Jii-chan merely laughed, and ruffled her head. "It can't be helped. It should have been Izumi telling you this, but he's not here. Kazu is too busy to do anything, and Yuka…" Jii-chan's face darkened slightly at her Kaa-chan's name, (They haven't been arguing ever since Kaa-chan announced her pregnancy, but Mikan could still see that Jii-chan disapproved of the way her Kaa-chan handled things) "She wouldn't do anything. I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, and I think I'm running out of time. So I'm going to tell you this."

"You see, parents and grandparents like us, we're usually there for our children when they are young. We help guide them and protect them and teach them what they should know. We show our children love. That is a parent's role."

Jii-chan's voice turned wistful. "But the thing about parents and grandparents is that we do not stay forever in our child's life. Sometimes we leave them because it's our time to die, other times we leave them because we know they can take care of themselves. We are not a constancy. One day, we will leave our children's lives."

Mikan couldn't stop the tears from flowing down her cheeks. She let out a sob and shook her head furiously, not willing to listen anymore. Seeing his beloved granddaughter so disheartened, he pulled in her in his arms and rubbed her back soothingly.

"Jii-chan please, stop. I don't want to hear this anymore," Mikan cried.

Jii-chan cooed. "Oh little tangerine, I'm telling you this because your Jii-chan is __old__. As much as I want to stay and watch you become the lovely and wonderful woman I know you will be when you grow up, I can't. I am an old man. And old men like me, we don't like living forever; we don't stay long. We'll die one day."

"So I want to remind you, one day, __one day__ , a person will come in your life and this person will stay forever with you. It may be somebody you already know, it can also be a stranger. But this person will cherish you more than your friends ever did, love you more than your parents or I ever could, and care for you more than anybody else ever did."

He pulled away slightly from her and held her tearful face in his hands. He rubbed away the tears streaming down her round cheeks, and said, "Remember this. Remember my words. Remember that when you're feeling sad, there's one person out there just waiting to come in your life. __Remember this__."

Mikan nodded her head furiously and buried her head in her beloved, __beloved__ ( _ _I love you__ , Mikan thought. __I love you pleasepleasepleasedontleaveme, I'm not__ ready) Jii-chan. She stayed in his arms for a long time, before reluctantly pulling herself away and wishing him goodnight, as she walked slowly to her bedroom.

* * *

Mikan had never considered herself a defeatist. No matter how hard things are, she would always get back up and smile and make the most of things. It was difficult, but Mikan is used to it. She's been doing it for years. She would brush away her entire opinions, and just take it as it is and then try to see if there's anything she could do to change it.

It's not ideal. But it's the only way she knows how to deal with things.

Mikan's borderline suicidal, but she never acted out her thoughts, because she kept thinking the things that would happen after she died. People's reactions and the fall out and the mess and the paperwork and the clean up that would happen if she went through with her fantasies. The thought of disappointing others always stopped her whenever she had the urge to jump or when she started eyeing the sharp kitchen knives stuck innocently to a long magnet on the wall.

She never went through with anything.

She was just tired, really. She's not suicidal enough, or brave enough to try.

Or at least, that's what she tells herself every day as she practiced smiling in front of mirrors before going out.

But then, her talk with Jii-chan reminded her of just how fragile her control is. How ephemeral people are in her life. If anything happens to break this…

She would be truly lost.

There she was, just lying down on her bed, and thinking. (She's truly an insomniac. She rarely slept. She's fully dependant on sleeping pills now. And even if she wants to sleep, she's scared of her dreams. They remind her of unpleasant things.)

Staring blankly at the moon, with dark thoughts plaguing her head, she only snapped out of it when her phone rang cheerily in the darkness of her bedroom.

Curious, she reached for her phone and tapped the screen. It was a message from Natsume.

* * *

polka, u up?

I'm up. What are you doing up? It's

2 in the morning Σ(･口･)

cant sleep.

O. o So you decided to bother me?

nothing to do. what, you can go

back to sleep if it bothers you so much.

It's fine ｡^‿^｡ Is Aoi-chan alright?

she's okay. still whining.

You were taking care of Aoi-chan weren't you?

That's why you're not at the festival.

What a good onii-chan you are! (¬‿¬)｡

shut up, polka. you're annoying.

Heeeeeee, Aoi-chan must be so happy (ᗒᗨᗕ)

I want a big brother too ( ｉдｉ )

one of you is already annoying. we don't

need another bird brained version of you.

Meanie (`o´)

it's the truth.

Ahhh, you really (╯°Д°)╯ ┻━┻

Well, even if you are a mean person,

I hope Aoi-chan gets better.

Is Auntie Kaoru alright? What about you?

i'm fine. okaa-san's fine.

Great! (^^) ｂ

It's late already, you should sleep.

It's bad to stay up (ᴗ˳ᴗ)

you too, polka. you shouldn't stay up

late watching porn. nobody wants a

pervert for a girlfriend

I don't watch porn! （￣ー￣；

Anyway, sweet dreams, Natsume

. bye.

* * *

Mikan smiled at the scroll of text. She didn't know why, but lately, Natsume has been more open to her. She wondered why when before it's like pulling teeth trying to get him to talk.

Mikan turned off her phone. Well, she should sleep. And prepare for tomorrow. Another new day awaits.

She sleeps, mind heavy with her Jii-chan's words and the temporary reprieve Natsume granted her.

* * *

Ever since the talk she had with Jii-chan, Mikan's even more determined to spend time with him. Realizing just how little time she has, she spent every day with him, not wanting to spare a single moment. Jii-chan merely looked exasperated but he indulged her.

Best Jii-chan __ever__.

Her finals went by and she managed to answer everything. She still talked with everyone. She still smiled. She still eavesdropped on the gossiping they do about her. She still cooked. She still tried spending more time with Hotaru even though Hotaru's been very distant lately. She still cheered when Tsubasa-senpai, Misaki-senpai and Tono-senpai graduated.

She tried.

During her final year at school, she tried her hardest. She tried chatting with everyone, befriending everyone, visiting Uncle Kazu sometimes, babysitting the twins when they were finally born (Mizuki for the elder boy, and Miyuki for the younger girl. Mikan fell in love at first sight of them) dealing with the gossiping, texting and talking with Natsume late at night, and when she finished her final exam that year, she realized she hasn't changed.

* * *

She can count on one hand how many times Kaa-chan came to school with her and she was so glad that both Kaa-chan and Shiki-san came. Jii-chan came too, and he looked so proud Mikan felt proud of herself too. She graduated with the best grades she can possibly have. When they took the picture together with everyone and the two brand new family members she had, Mikan hoped it could always be like this.

* * *

(She's still the same Mikan.)

* * *

Two days after her graduation ceremony, Jii-chan died in his sleep.

Mikan's world fell apart.

* * *

(She hasn't changed.)

* * *

She called everyone after the funeral, disconsolate beyond grief, in her black mourning clothes she _hated_ , and nobody came to her.

(Sumire, "What is it, Mikan, I'm busy, don't call me at all. Go bother someone else. I've no time for you." "But please, Sumire-" -beep-

Anna and Nonoko didn't pick up.

Koko, "Koko, I need you. Can you come?" "Mikan, what do you want with Koko?" "Sumire? I'm sorry I just-" "Damnit Mikan Sakura! You already have Natsume and Ruka, you're going to steal my boyfriend too?" "Boyfriend? Sumire, please?" "Fuck off." -beep-

Ruka, "Sorry Mikan, I'm in the middle of something call me back later, okay?" "Ruka, no please-" -beep-

Natsume, "What is it, Polka? Can't your timing get any shittier? Aoi's in surgery right now. What?" "Oh… it's alright. Never mind. I… I wish you and Aoi good luck."

Hotaru, "Mikan, you know better than calling me now. What is it?" "Hotaru I need you now please." "I can't come, I'm in Germany dealing with these idiots. Call me and tell me later." "Hotaru, no, please-" -beep-

Uncle Kazu, Tsubasa-senpai, Misaki-senpai, Tono-senpai, all went to their voicemail.")

And then Kaa-chan said, "Mikan, maybe you should leave."

"What?"

"This place, it's not good for you right? Jii-chan died. Now, I've just bought you flight tickets to Seoul. You can do some shopping there. You like Korean dramas right?"

"You… you want me to leave?"

"Well, it'll be good for you. And while you are there, Kaa-chan and Shiki have to deal with the papers. I've been away from work for far too long."

" _ _What?__ "

"Don't you get it? You can have a break. Shiki agreed with me too."

"Both of you wanted me gone?"

"Mikan, listen to me, this is for your own good. Take the tickets and have a holiday there. It'll be good for you. You understand right?"

"...I understand. I'll leave."

"Good."

* * *

(She's still not ready.)

* * *

That night, Mikan packed her bags, and quietly left the house. She took her bag and rented a locker and stored her bag there. Then, she walked aimlessly, with only the locker keys in her pocket and an emptiness in her heart. Her mind buzzed painfully. She walked, and walked, and walked, until finally she came to a bridge. She looked below and stared at the dark river.

Mikan idly thought of the quote, " _When you stare into the abyss, the abyss stares back at you_."

The abyss looks like it's inviting her. And there's no one who can stop her. The people who can were not here with her.

She climbed the rails, and took a large breath. She felt free. And as she jumped, she could feel the cold water welcoming her and she thought as her lungs filled with water and she stared at the dark, dark waters, that she'll finally join Jii-chan and Otou-chan. She can leave. Finally…

"Finally, it'll be over."

* * *

Summary: Mikan was saved by Koko, who proceeded to comfort Mikan by telling her that people loves her. Mikan believes him, but Mikan thinks that Koko is exaggerating. She came home and had a talk with Jii-chan, who reminded her that he will die one day. That night, Mikan had a chat with Natsume. There was a time skip and when Jii-chan died, Mikan realized she has not changed and has done nothing to prepare herself. She called her friends, but was rebuffed. Her mother suggested Mikan have a vacation, but all Mikan could think after the numerous rejection was that her mother and Shiki wanted her gone too. Depressed, Mikan ran away from home that night, stored her bag in a rented locker and jumped over a bridge into the river, trying to commit suicide.

A.N.: With this marks the end of the first part. There's going to be a brief intermission after this, and then we proceed to the second part. Mikan survives, don't worry. But she's definitely not alright. But with the first part end, the depressive nature of this story has finally lessened somewhat. So you can look forward to more happy endings. I promised you a happy ending, you'll get your happy ending.

P.S.: That texting with Natsume killed me with the format. It definitely won't be mobile friendly, so I'm sorry! Damn Fanfiction for not allowing the align right formatting! I'll fix any errors later.


	6. Intermission: The Eyes Around

A.N.: Two updates this week. Lucky you. Updates are **weekly**. I intend to update one chapter per week. So please stop asking when I'm going to update next. I've said this before in previous chapters.

Edited on 28/7/2018.

* * *

 **INTERMISSION: THE EYES AROUND**

* * *

 ** **SUMIRE****

Sumire Shouda considers herself to be the best. You have to be the best in order to become the President of the Natsume and Ruka Fan Club. Entering the Official Occult Club and slowly turning it from within, making it the base for their fan club was easy, not even the teachers were able to say anything. Sumire did everything as a president dutifully, making sure that no girl ever came close to Ruka-sama or Natsume-sama.

Until Imai and Mikan came.

Two girls from a backwater town in the middle of nowhere suddenly show up and everybody's panties were in a twist, interested with the newcomers. Natsume-sama and Ruka-sama were aloof as always, but long years of watching them both from afar had given Sumire knowledge of their cues. The brief yet lingering glances, the way they played along with Mikan even though Natsume-sama would throw casual insults at her, the gradual acceptance of her presence.

Seeing that, Sumire concluded that both of the girls are threats.

It was admirable really, how long both of them lasted. Imai had quickly established early on that she was untouchable, but Mikan, despite being the principal's niece, was strangely fair game.

It was infuriating, looking at how she would continue to smile and laugh and be happy even after so many odds against her. Sumire had grown to hate and begrudgingly respect her for her strength, positivity and sheer perseverance. And after getting to know her better as a classmate, she eventually concluded that Mikan really isn't bad. Simple minded, naive and dense to the point of near idiocy, but she's not mean spirited. She's just a genuinely __good__ girl. A strange rarity in Tokyo.

In another time, Sumire had briefly thought that perhaps, if Mikan wasn't such a threat, they could have, maybe, probably, become friends.

But then, Koko, who Sumire had liked for the longest time also grew interested in Mikan and all bets were off.

Natsume and Ruka, no matter how much she wished it, are the sun and moon. Beautiful, luminous, brilliant, but can never be touched. They can only be admired from afar. But Koko was normal. Koko was hers. Asking Koko to be her boyfriend after long years of being friends was nerve wracking, so she was glad that he accepted. But then Koko, __her__ Koko, still look at Mikan with curiosity and worry, and that is __unacceptable__.

Let it not be said that Sumire Shouda is one incredibly jealous and possessive person.

So until Koko grew disinterested, until Ruka and Natsume are no longer curious of Mikan Sakura, Sumire will never consider Mikan her friend.

* * *

 ** **KOKO****

Koko didn't know when he was able to know what people are thinking and feeling. All he remembered was that one day, he looked at people, and BOOM, he was able to know their emotions.

Then he went to the doctors, and the doctor called him an empath.

At the time, he thought, ' _ _Whoah, cool.__ '

But then as time goes by and he was surrounded by so many people with so many different emotions, and it was just __too much__. His head would hurt so much from over-stimulation. It took a while to control it, but even then sometimes he was able to feel particularly strong emotions from people. Which is why he liked doing pranks, because then people would laugh, and then his head wouldn't hurt so much from the dark thoughts. Which is also why he liked hanging out with optimists and people who are aloof, because their minds tend to be very neutral and it's very comfortable to be around them.

And this is why Mikan Sakura is strange to Koko.

At first glance, she looked like an optimistic, cheerful girl. The stereotypical __genki__ girl type. But not once had Koko been able to sense anything from her. Even Imai was easier to read than Mikan. From Mikan, he could feel nothing.

It's like she has a barrier around her. Like an invisible mask. Curious, Koko continued to observe her.

Mikan is definitely a kind person. A good person. One who tried to please everyone, always trying to make friends, and avoid making enemies. The only reason why people talked bad about her and gossiped behind her back so much was either because she was best friends with Imai (thus making people think that she's a wolf in sheep clothing because __surely__ no one could stay besties with the Blackmail Queen and be __that__ good) or because she was close to Ruka and Andou-senpai and Natsume (when you are close to people who are popular and good looking, it's easy for others to be jealous and hateful of your good fortune. Koko thought it all unfair, because it's not like Mikan wanted to be close to them. Mikan had to work with Natsume due to the partner system and Ruka's around Natsume all the time. And Andou-senpai was the one who kept seeking her out. But what can he do with that?)

And as he got to know better, Koko figured that he liked hanging around Mikan more than anyone else. Because with her, Koko didn't have to feel anything, and for a handful of times in his life, he was able to think and have his own personal thoughts. He was grateful that he was able to meet and get to know her.

There are times when Koko looked at her and realized, that there are these very small moments when her smile didn't quite reach her eyes, when her lips turned into a very slight frown before immediately being replaced with even more brilliant smiles, when Mikan rather surprisingly skillfully avoided any talk about her own feelings and problems and steered conversations towards safer topics.

She really is a strange girl. But Koko didn't think much on it, because he figured Mikan, despite being cheerful, is actually an incredibly secretive person. Everybody had secrets they want to keep. Koko was okay with that.

But that was before he saw her falling on train tracks. And Koko was __finally__ starting to see small, but very prominent red flags popping up everywhere when it comes to Mikan.

Something is wrong with her. That was for certain. Koko wanted to help. He offered help.

However, Mikan smiled and told Koko that he was seeing things. Koko noticed how, not once had she ever said that she was fine. She never answered him when he asked if she was alright. And that. is not. __okay__.

So, Koko will always try to be there for her. Considering how many pranks he pulled on her when they were young, this was the least he could do to make up for it.

* * *

Koko was just from the men's toilet. He was on a date with Sumire. After agreeing to go out with her and be her boyfriend, this was going to be their first date as a couple.

He was slightly interested towards Sumire, but not in love with her. Looking at her now, though, as he walked towards their table, beautiful in her faded red sweater dress and leather boots, and remembering how adorable she looked as she stammered at him when she asked, Koko thought he could fall in love with her.

Koko was already able to sense Sumire's foul mood from distance. She was scowling as she stared at Koko's phone.

"What's up? Why are you making that face?" Koko asked as he slid into the seat in front of her. Her scowl became even more prominent.

"Mikan called you. Why would __she__ call __you__?" she inquired. Koko was confused.

"How would I know? It's not like I always call her every day. Did she tell you why?"

"Why would I bother listening?" Sumire retorted. "I hung up on her. It's probably something idiotic like a new howalon flavour or something."

Koko couldn't stop the disapproving look he aimed at her. "Perms, that wasn't nice."

Sumire rolled her eyes. "Alright, I'll be nice to her later. Now, we are on a date. I'm not going to let anyone interrupt." Sumire played with her hair in a bout of shyness. "Now it's just us, okay?"

He laughed good naturedly. He could really see himself falling for her. Ah, how dangerous. "Alright."

He'll call Mikan back later. Hopefully, it's nothing important.

* * *

 ** **KAZU****

Kazumi just got back from the funeral. Upon returning home, he winced as he looked at his phone and saw all the messages and emails he received.

He thought about staying behind and comforting Mikan and Yuka for a while. But there's just so much __work__ that needed to be done. He'll call her later after he was done looking at the documents.

He admit, that although he promised Izumi to be there for his wife and daughter, he had been rather neglectful. It was always Mikan seeking him out, never the other way. But Mikan, even as a child understood Kazu and never got angry at him. She always came by to his office, bringing food and talking to him. Kazu regret not listening to her when she talked but he figured he could always make up to her later. Yuka on the other hand, threw herself into work. Kazu didn't blame her in the slightest. If it was him in her shoes, he would do the same.

When Mikan called, Kazu wanted to pick it up, remembering how heartbroken she was during the funeral. Serina came in with even more papers, and he decided to ignore it.

Surely Mikan understand. There's always next time. Kazu will make it up to her the next time he sees her.

* * *

 ** **YUKA****

Yuka had always been so grateful that she had Mikan. Mikan was her pillar of strength. When Izumi died, Mikan had helped her get back on her own feet whether she realized it or not.

Yuka was so very, very grateful.

Seeing Mikan, so little and yet already so strong, was able to get back up on her own two feet, Yuka was inspired to do the same. And she had to work hard, because suddenly then she had just lost her husband and now had a daughter to look after.

She immediately threw herself into work, moving to Tokyo away from Jii-chan, making more money and saving most of them for Mikan's education. She's going to need it when she grows older. Yuka still cringed when she remembered the student fees and the expensive textbooks that she had to buy when she was in university. She worked to put a roof over their heads, to make sure there is food on the table, and to make sure Mikan will never want for anything.

She had to do everything for her daughter. For her and Izumi's beloved daughter.

Then, she met Shiki Masachika and Kaoru Hyuuga. Quiet, dependable Shiki, who immediately took a shine to her and Kaoru, who is also a widow she became fast friends with. Her shoulders didn't feel so heavy when she was with them.

She was always with Shiki. He was a good listener, and he helped her with work. Yuka eventually grew fond of him, then that fondness turned into love.

She panicked when she realized that she was falling for Shiki. She didn't want to betray Izumi's memory. Thinking about her late husband still hurts, the separation still painful in her chest. But Yuka had an epiphany; her feelings for Shiki were not the same as Izumi, no, Izumi will always be her one great love, but her love for Shiki was different. It was a comforting sort of love, a calming kind, not the same burn and greatness that it was with Izumi.

Yuka had tested Shiki with Mikan first. Mikan, like always, accepted Shiki in their lives gracefully. Yuka thought, __what a good girl she is. I'm so lucky to have such a wonderful daughter.__

When Mikan decided to learn to cook and help them around the house, Yuka never stopped thanking Kami-sama for gifting her with such a lovely daughter.

Then Jii-chan had the nerve to say that Yuka's neglectful. How dare he. Who else was she working herself so hard for? Everything was for Mikan. She loved Mikan, giving her a stable life and making sure she never had to starve. She agreed to marry Shiki largely because of Mikan too. Mikan needed a father figure in her life. She had been robbed of her own father so early in life. Shiki may not be related to her by blood, but Shiki could be family for them.

And when Yuka finally got pregnant, Mikan was so happy. Yuka regretted never being able to give Mikan siblings of her own. Now, she's going to be a big sister. Yuka saw how carefully Mikan held Miyuki and Mizuki in her arms, so full of awe, and Yuka thought that Mikan's going to be the best big sister she could possibly be for the twins.

When Jii-chan died, she was so worried about Mikan. She knew just how much Mikan loved her grandfather. She wanted to comfort her own daughter.

So Yuka thought, __why not give her a vacation?__

Yuka hoped, while she booked a ticket for Mikan to go to Seoul, she would be her sunny self again. She hate to see her so upset. Mikan would see that Yuka only had the best intentions for her.

* * *

 ** **RUKA****

Ruka was finally able to have time with his parents. Although both of them loved each other very much, they rarely saw one another. They were always so busy, with his mother working on handling the new models at the modelling agency she worked with, and his father a celebrity vet always tending to the pets belonging to the rich and famous.

They were having their family dinner. Ruka was in the middle of telling silly anecdotes to both of them, when his phone rang. Briefly looking at the phone and he saw Mikan's name flashing, he gave an apologetic look towards his parents and picked it up.

"Sorry Mikan, I'm in the middle of something, call me back later, okay?" he said. Then, without hearing anything else from her, he hung up. He turned to his parents and said, "Sorry about that."

His __maman__ nodded understandingly. "It's alright. Who was that?"

"A former classmate. I'll call them back later."

Ruka's going to apologize to Mikan later. He remembered how Mikan herself never lets anyone talk bad about her family and knew that she shared his view on the importance of family. Mikan would understand. She loved her family too and having a workaholic parent herself, she would know just how important spending time with family.

Feeling guilty at the rather rude way he hung up on her, he promised to himself that he'll see her personally and make it up to her later. He'll buy that strawberry shortcake Mikan loves at that cute little bakery near the train station when he visit her.

* * *

 ** **HOTARU****

As she typed in the line of programming in her newest invention, she thought back on Mikan's earlier call, and wondered on what it was. She was preparing for her presentation to the investors when Mikan called.

Mikan had always prioritized other people's happiness. That is both her strength and her flaw, because it allowed her to make friends fast, but she'll rarely ever put herself first. Just like during Valentine when Ruka came running to her, short of breath, looking like the idiot just ran the entire way. He confessed to her then, and Hotaru, after asking him over and over again if he was sure (because Ruka was honestly too good for someone like her. He would have been better off with someone cute and cheerful, like Mikan), eventually accepted.

When asked what happened before he came to her, he said, in a vexed tone, "Mikan confessed to me. I rejected her, then we talked about our feelings. She figured out I liked you a lot, so she pushed me and told me to come here."

Hotaru sighed. See, _so_ self sacrificial. "That idiot."

Ruka looked at the box of chocolates he had in his hands. Hotaru had seen that box when Mikan handed it to Ruka and just wondered what she was feeling then when she was rejected. "I felt bad, but she just pushed me, and she smiled so happily when I told her I'm going to confess to you."

"Mikan may be a pushover with ridiculous sweet tooth, but she's strong. She's always been good at bringing herself back up again," she said to him. Ruka nodded, agreeing with her statement.

"I know, it's amazing how she managed to do it every time," Ruka mused. "I'll make it up to her later," he then said. And after that, he offered to walk her home and talks about Mikan never came up again.

Hotaru was being distant with Mikan after she started dating Ruka. Hotaru knew Mikan liked him a lot, and figured that the least she could do was spare her from seeing both of them together all the time. Mikan, upon Ruka's own confession, backed away from them and gave her blessing like the good friend she always has been. Hotaru thought that at least she shouldn't rub it in Mikan's face so much that she was able to win Ruka's heart instead of Mikan.

Hotaru remembered the call from Mikan earlier. She sounded unnatural, and Hotaru could detect desperation in her voice. Hotaru almost wanted to book a ticket back to Tokyo to see her and comfort her.

But she needed to fix this invention and then there are some stubborn people she had to convince first.

* * *

 ** **NATSUME****

Natsume bounced his legs anxiously as he waited for Aoi's surgery to end. The doctor finally managed to find a heart donor that suited Aoi, and there was a good chance of success for it too. Natsume had never been so glad, because Aoi, no matter how much he teased her, was his only sister. He had already lost his father, he can't lose Aoi, who is so similar to him in personality too. One family member gone was enough. No more.

Okaa-san was there with him too, looking like she hadn't slept in days. She had been alternating between working and staying at the hospital. Thankfully, they had enough money to pay off Aoi's expenses and not fall in debt.

Suddenly, Natsume's phone rang. He quickly pulled it out of his pocket and saw that Polka was calling.

Natsume gritted his teeth in frustration. What is so important that she had to call him in the middle of Aoi's operation? He had told her before during one of their late night chats that Aoi finally had a match, and was going to be cut open to replace her own problematic heart. All Natsume could think of was that his baby sister was inside the room being operated by strangers, all bloodied up and grew even more aggravated. Mikan knew better than to call him now.

He picked it up and snarled, "What is it, Polka? Can't your timing get any shittier? Aoi's in surgery right now. __What__?"

" _ _Oh__ …" Polka grew quiet. She must be feeling guilty. She should, Natsume thought.

" _ _It's alright__ ," she said, and she sounded so despondent and empty. It was strange hearing it from Polka, who was always so annoyingly cheerful. " _ _Never mind. I… I wish you and Aoi good luck__ ," she continued and the call ended. Natsume pulled the phone away from his ear and stared at it thoughtfully.

She was definitely acting strange. He'll call her later.

Natsume turned to look at his mother and found red eyes identical to his own staring back at him. She was close enough to hear Polka. No doubt his mother also thought Polka was acting strange. She opened her mouth but before she could speak, a 'ping' sounded and both of them turned to look at the door to the surgery room. The doctor came out, looking exhausted.

Okaa-san rushed towards the doctor. "So, how did it go?" she asked. Her nerves were frayed, and she was looking so different from the strong woman Natsume knew. He turned to look at the doctor as well, impatiently tapping his foot and waiting for the doctor to reply.

The doctor smiled reassuringly. "Do not worry, madam. There were no complications. The surgery was a success."

Okaa-san let out a loud sigh and she sunk to the floor her trembling knees no longer able to support her due to the onslaught of emotions she felt. She buried her face in her hands and cried tears of relief. Natsume rushed to her, worried about her, but he was so goddamn __glad__ that the surgery was alright.

"What happens now, old man?" Natsume asked the doctor. He needed to know what to do next.

The doctor looked like he was torn between amusement and looking insulted when Natsume called him that. Natsume had never been respectful, he should have pulled that stick out of his ass if he want to deal with Natsume. "Now we wait for Aoi-san to wake up. We'll conduct a thorough check up on her. If all goes well, she'll be able to go back home. If you'll excuse me."

The doctor bowed slightly and left, his heels hitting the carpet with soft thuds. Natsume brought his mother back to the chairs and pushed her to sit down. She then pulled him into her arms and continued crying.

Natsume closed his eyes in relief. Things are finally alright. Now, he can rest.

* * *

"Oh that's terrible! I should go there after this," Okaa-san said. They had just returned home, after being shooed by the nurses and the doctors. Natsume was reluctant, but he can understand their concern. Both him and Okaa-san looked like they haven't slept well. They need to shower and eat too. They'll go back to the hospital in the afternoon. Natsume couldn't wait for Aoi to wake up. He hoped he would be there when she does.

Natsume turned to look at him inquisitively. Kaoru just looked so shocked and when she saw Natsume staring at her in question, she said, "Oh it's terrible Natsume! Yuka's father-in-law just passed away in his sleep yesterday."

" _ _What__?" Natsume could hear himself say, and there was an unpleasant feeling creeping up in his guts when he remembered Polka's call yesterday. __Was that why…?__

"My phone ran out of battery and I forgot to bring my charger with me. I just got Yuka's message." Okaa-san looked worried. "Mikan-chan, she must be so sad now. She loved her Jii-chan."

She told Natsume, "I'm going to go there as soon as I'm done changing. You should change too." She then walked to her room.

Natsume recalled back how empty Polka sounded. The unpleasant feeling grew ominously.

* * *

Both of them in their mourning clothes after they had showered and ate, they went to Polka's house.

Natsume had been here enough times to tell that the sombre mood around the house was definitely foreign. He's hating his gut feeling right now.

He remembered before their final exam, when Natsume couldn't sleep because of Aoi, he called Polka in the middle of the night. Natsume had quickly clued in that Polka was insomniac. She rarely slept, and probably figured that it was the reason she was always late to school. He reminisced that time when he walked aimlessly and found Polka in the park with a can of cocoa in her hand, looking oddly quiet and cute in her pyjamas and hoodie. It was after that, that they truly started to know one another.

Polka picked up the phone after a few rings and after they've had their usual banter, they talked.

Natsume will not say this to anyone, but Polka was one of the very few girls he can stand talking to. She didn't gawk or squeal or fawn at him, and when appropriate she listened and gave her own input. Her train of thought were surprisingly deep. Natsume lost count on the number of times they've talked about issues he would never think to talk with another girl. The only other person he had ever opened up to so much was Ruka.

Polka never judged him, never tried to change him, always accepted him. Natsume had slowly come to see her as more than just another annoying girl, and she was becoming as important as Ruka was to him.

" _I've only realized now that both of us lost our parents,_ " Polka said.

"What about it?"

" _You know what it's like to lose a family. What do you think would happen to you if another person in your family dies?_ " she asked.

"Why the question? That's dark." She was only ever this morbid whenever she thinks too much. It was a valid concern but, damn, why pick this as a conversation topic?

" _I kept having nightmares, Natsume,_ " she admitted after a long silence, as though contemplating about whether to talk to him about it. It's one of the very few telling things she does, something that happens when Polka admitted a secret she kept to herself for a while. Natsume had learned to take her seriously when she turned silent.

Polka continued. " _I dreamed of being locked in a room with no windows or doors. I dreamed of my mouth sewn shut. I dreamed of balconies and knives sometimes too. But lately, I've dreamed of Jii-chan dying._ "

Natsume could hear her breathing turning shaky as though she was trying to control herself from crying. She was only ever like this on the phone, never in front of people, when they can see how she was truly reacting. Natsume suspected that she never talked to anyone about herself either.

" _Natsume, if Jii-chan died, I don't what I'll do,_ " she whispered. " _I've already lost Otou-san and it hurts_ so much _. I don't think I can handle it if Jii-chan…_ "

She stopped. Natsume knew she didn't even want to think about it. She then said, " _I don't know, but it won't be good_."

From all their calls and chats, Natsume figured that Polka had problems. She's depressed, and judging from her dreams, she's probably mildly suicidal. Auntie Yuka, despite making sure that Polka is well, was neglectful. She had problems with some people in school too. Polka never outright said it or tell him explicitly, but Natsume could piece things together from what little secrets she said about herself.

And now that her grandfather died, her words echoed in his head. Natsume decided that he didn't like this one bit.

* * *

After greeting Auntie Yuka and Shiki who were also in black clothes, Auntie Yuka said to him, "Mikan's upstairs. Why don't you say something to her?"

Natsume nodded and climbed the stairs to her room. He had never been up here. The silence is unsettling.

He walked to the door with a wooden sign with carved flowers on it. "Mikan's Room", it read. Natsume knocked the door.

"Polka," he called out. "It's me. Open up."

Nothing. That unsettling silence was still there. The unpleasant feeling in Natsume grew in spades.

"Polka?" he called out again. Still nothing.

He placed his hands around the knob and turned. It yielded, and the door opened. Natsume was surprised to find it unlocked.

He opened the door widely, and noted how incredibly spartan her room was. There were the chair and the desk and her bed with plain pink sheets. Her wardrobe was there. There were no decorations, no girly accessories. On the shelf there were study books, and a few mangas, but nothing else. On her desk, there was a single photo. It was from their graduation day. In it was Polka and her family, with her Jii-chan and the newborn twins and her parents. She looked so __happy__ in it, as though she never wanted the moment to end.

Polka wasn't in the room.

Heart beating rapidly, he searched the top floor, calling out her name. Nothing, silent.

"Natsume?" he turned around and there was Auntie Yuuka and Shiki and Okaa-san, all of them looking worried.

Polka wasn't with them.

The horrified feeling came crashing towards him, and all the signs he saw with Polka rushing through his head like a tsunami, and all Natsume could think of was, __why didn't I notice sooner? Why didn't I do anything? Why?__

He swallowed nervously then told them, loud and clear. "Polka's gone."

* * *

They tried finding her. They searched everywhere. They found nothing.

Nobody ever saw her again. It's like she never existed.

* * *

A.N.: Next chapter will be the only major timeskip we have. It's going to be a few years. Like always I'll fix the errors in this chapter later. Thanks for dropping by!


	7. Chapter 5: Complacently Existing

A.N.: Here's this week update. This one is relatively shorter though. Oh well. Enjoy.

Edited: 5/8/2018

* * *

 **CHAPTER 5: COMPLACENTLY EXISTING**

* * *

"So, do you think you've made the right choice?"

"Hmm?"

In a light and airy room, two people sat facing each other. The other, a female doctor, wearing the customary white coat with a leather notebook in front of her, and the other a young woman. This young woman stared impassively at the doctor, who had never shed her professional mask from the first time she had met her years ago until now.

The young woman had been well versed with masks. She's worn them her whole life. Now her mask may not be as thick or as impenetrable as before, but it does not mean that she's incapable of reading others. She could tell, the doctor had grown attached to her. The doctor was worried of her well-being.

Mikan didn't know why, but she felt amused.

"It's been 5 years. You haven't returned to your family. You haven't contacted them either. Don't you think it's time?" Doctor Ueda asked.

Mikan let out a soft laugh. "Frankly, I didn't contact them because it's a bother. I've already had a life here. I'm not happy, never had been since, well, ever since I was a child, but I'm content here. It's peaceful." She stared down at her hands clasped on her lap. "I don't want to go back to that dead city."

"But surely you care about your family? Your friends? Based on what you have told me from previous sessions, they seem to care about you. Don't you want them to know that you are doing alright?"

Mikan closed her eyes and let out a sigh. "Say, Doctor Ueda, do you have any family members and friends that have passed away?"

The doctor paused for a bit, and then, curious to see where this is going to go, she replied, "Yes. I've lost a grandmother and my father."

Mikan nodded, looking thoughtful. She was a far cry from the empty, listless person she used to be when strangers found her floating in the river, half drowned. "Did you grieve?"

"Of course I did."

"I grieved too when Tou-chan passed away." Mikan placed a hand on her cheek, titlting her head slightly to the side as she gazed at the doctor with warm brown eyes. "But time goes on. The world still moves. People come and go. The sun still rises every morning and the moon is still in the sky."

"You must still be sad that your family died, doctor," she continued, her unblinking eyes set on the doctor in front of her. Th doctor tried not to show her discomfort, but she had a feeling the woman in front of her could still see it. "The pain dulls, though it never leaves. But even with it, you'll still be able to work. Still be able to eat, walk, laugh."

She smiled at the doctor, a serene smile on her beautiful face. "It will be the same with me. They would cry for me, sure. They are good people who would be sad whenever somebody dies. But they will stand up and continue moving forward. Whether I'm there or not there is insignificant. Having me in their lives wouldn't change them much."

She leaned back on her chair, long chocolate hair brushing past her shoulders carelessly. "So you see, there's no important reason why I should tell them I'm alive. They'll move on."

The doctor maintained her posture. Her eyes, however, were intense. "You say that as though it's easy to move on. Have __you__ moved on from your grandfather's death?"

Mikan's previously serene expression took on a slightly sharper edge. "I have," she declared. "I'm sitting here and talking in front of you, attending these sessions with you every week, doctor. If I haven't moved on, I would be curled up in my bed, crying like a baby."

"So you will make no effort to contact people from your previous life?"

"No."

The doctor couldn't help the slight frown from forming on her meticulously painted lips. Mikan giggled at the obvious displeasure, no longer able to hide her amusement.

"Don't get me wrong, Doctor Ueda," Mikan said. "I'm not hiding from them. But I'm also not going to call them and tell them I'm here. If they managed to find me here, so be it. I won't run."

"However?" the doctor pressed.

Mikan indulged her. "I won't go back to Tokyo. I've said this before, I have a job and close friends here. My life here is stable and comfortable. I won't leave this."

The doctor accepted that. Before she could continue with her questions, a 'ping' resounded through the room, indicating that the therapy session has ended. Mikan relaxed slightly. These sessions with Doctor Ueda were good, but they always left her exhausted at the end. Mikan had been so used to hiding herself, and now having to bare herself to this person, even if it's bit by bit, is mildly scary.

"That's it for today. For the next session, it will be at 1 in the afternoon on Wednesday next week."

Mikan stood up. "Thank you, doctor."

The doctor nodded at her. "Before you leave, please make sure to stock up on your antidepressants."

"Okay," Mikan replied. She turned around and swiftly left, her hair and skirt rustling softly.

* * *

"I'm back," Mikan announced, opening the doors of the establishment. It's break time then. There shouldn't be any customers at the diner. True enough, it was empty except for the lone figure slightly hunched over one of the tables, hands busily wiping away at any dirt and grime on the polished wood.

Nobara turned to her at the door and smiled sweetly. "Welcome back, Mikan-chan."

Mikan returned her smile. "Were there a lot of customers? I hope you were able to handle them."

"Oh it's alright," Nobara huffed, gently wiping away the edges of the tables. "Honestly, sometimes you are as bad as Rei."

"Shouldn't that be a given? You are his wife," Mikan pointed out. "Of course he would be worried about you all the time."

Nobara pouted at that. She looked so beautiful and endearing and sweet, Mikan couldn't help but marvel at Rei's good fortune of having such a woman as his life partner. "I've hired more people though! It's not just you and Youichi helping me around."

"They're just part timers."

"Part timers are still workers. And they all passed Rei's interview. You would think he'd get off my back now."

Mikan let out a giggle at the put out expression on Nobara's face. "Well, now you can rest. I'll take over. It's my shift next. I'll change my clothes first."

Nobara gave Mikan a grateful look. "Alright Mikan-chan. Thanks!"

Mikan gave a gentle pat on her shoulders, then she walked to the staff room to change into her work uniform. Nobara let out a sigh and she sat down on one of the many chairs in the room. Shortly after Mikan disappeared into the room, the front door rang once more and came in a teenager with the same shade of silver hair Nobara sported.

"Oh Youichi-kun! Welcome back."

"I'm back," the silver haired boy replied, a nonchalant expression on his face. Nobara gave him a hug, and he grunted at the affectionate display. Even after years of knowing his adopted sister, she never stopped hugging him from the first time she met him, even as they grew older.

Not like Youichi minded.

"Is there anyone else here aside from you, Nee-san?" he asked.

"Mikan-chan just came back from the hospital. She's changing right now."

At the mention of the young woman who came in their lives five years ago, Youichi relaxed slightly. He'd like to think he was a good reader when it comes to people, and Mikan is a good person. She's a bit quiet and passive, but she's kind and is a good worker, and that's really all that mattered.

"Okay. Anything that needs to be done here?"

"I was just done," Nobara reassured him. "After this, it will be your and Mikan-chan's turn right? I'm counting on you both."

Right when her name was mentioned, Mikan finally emerged from the staff room, clad in a light blue yukata, her long hair twisted into a bun. When Mikan saw Youchi, she waved at him, the movement accompanied with the smile Youchi was used to seeing on her face.

"Youichi-kun, hello. Done with school already?"

"Hmmm, yeah. I'm going to go change now." At that, he strode past her and went towards the staff room. Mikan turned to look at Nobara and said, with a slight pump of her fist, "Well, where should I start?"

* * *

Night came and covered the sky with a dark blanket embroidered with glittering stars. Mikan was just finished with her work, serving the customers of the diner with a pleasant smile on her face as always, and was on her way to the apartment she had rented for herself; the apartment Nobara had helped her find after she was discharged from the hospital. As Mikan walked back, accompanied only by moonlight and the click of her heels, she pondered on what her life has become.

When Mikan jumped, she had been prepared to die. At that moment in her life, she saw no point in being alive if she can't be happy. It's not like she has anyone who would __truly__ care about her.

She was found several hours later, by strangers, half drowned in the river and with hypothermia. She was swiftly brought to the hospital, where she was treated. When she woke up, pain wracking her entire body and unfortunately still alive _ _,__ Mikan thought, ' _ _I'm such a failure, I can't even kill myself properly.__ '

When she woke up, she found out that she was in a hospital in Hakone. Mikan didn't know how on earth she managed to be here when she was pretty sure the river she fell in was nowhere near Hakone, but she didn't care.

She stayed in the hospital under suicide watch, once the doctors clued in that her being found in the river was deliberate, and not because of an unfortunate accident. She didn't say anything, didn't tell anything to anyone there. She responded to nothing, as though she was a mannequin.

A few days after she woke up, she finally met her saviors, a woman and a man, Nobara Serio and Rei Serio. A married couple who were enjoying their walk when they found her floating in the river. Nobara-chan was a beautiful woman, who was painfully shy and with obvious crowd anxiety, while Rei was her ever sombre and sour partner. He had been condescending towards Mikan because of her suicidal tendencies, seeing her as a coward, while Nobara had been nothing but kind and completely understanding. Soon after that, she was introduced with little Youichi Hijiri, a young boy adopted by Nobara's family, and was tagging along because he was curious.

After staying at the hospital for a while, Nobara, whom she had grown quite close to, took Mikan's hands in hers, looked at her with kind eyes and hopeful looks, and offered, "Do you want to work with me?"

Mikan agreed. Not like she had anything else to do.

And she stayed there, working with Nobara until now. Mikan's aware that she's doing it not because she wanted to live, she's just existing, and Nobara was kind enough to offer work to a suicidal stranger. She couldn't say no, just moving along with the current called 'life', no dreams and goal spurring her. She's pretty sure she doesn't have them anymore.

* * *

After Mikan was back in society, she asked Nobara to go back to the locker she stored her bag in, handing her the keys that had miraculously stayed with her during the entire time she was in the river; Mikan was too scared and unprepared that her family and former friends would find her again and hound her for answers. Nobara, sweet Nobara, asked no questions and retrieved her bag for her.

She got her stuff back, her laptop, her smartphone and her diary, and what little clothes, money and documents she packed with her. Mikan didn't even know why she packed these, it was an impulsive move that still baffled her. She didn't turn on her phone and merely switched on her laptop. She avoided signing in to her old accounts and made new ones, and new contact information.

Her phone was still with her, a remnant of her past she refused to look at. But reminded at the talk she had with Doctor Ueda, and contrary to what she said to the doctor, she wondered if it's time to call them.

* * *

When she arrived home, she took a bath, changed and flopped on her bed. The apartment was enough for a single person to live comfortably, and the rent was affordable. Nobara knew what she was doing when she found the place for Mikan.

She curled on her bed, damp hair clinging to her cheeks and neck, and she stared at the phone on her desk. Not her new one; the one she used now. Mikan never threw it away, her old phone with the simple pink casing.

Mikan reached for the phone. Curiosity finally caught up with her, and she turned it on. What are the odds that they are still looking for her? They've probably moved on with their life, like Mikan did, contributing to society like responsible adults.

The phone lit up and Mikan __finally__ saw the number of calls and messages people left for her. The twinge in her chest coiled painfully, that part of her that still loved them (even after they left her, even after they showed that Mikan wasn't important enough for their time, even after everything). Mikan didn't read them. This showed they cared, but still she wondered how much they cared. Probably just enough to care and panic for a week, and then come to the realization that she's not there anymore and move on with their lives. Mikan's honoured that they even bothered to call, after weeks of silence before.

However, she still couldn't find it in herself to read them. She couldn't, not __now__. She'll do it later, when she has finally, _finally_ found a reason to live, instead of simply existing.

Gripping the phone in her hand as she stared at the screen, she wondered when she would be brave enough to do so. Probably a long time. But she has all the time in the world, and think, ' _ _This is fine__.'

* * *

Mikan was sleeping, a dreamless sleep aided with sleeping pills recommended by the doctors, when her phone rang at night. Groggy, she reached for the phone making the racket and without looking, she swiped at the screen and quietly asked, "Yes?"

There was shaky and heavy breathing at the end. Mikan waited for the caller to say something, when she finally heard the caller's voice. It was different from __before__ , much deeper now, but the tone and the inflection and the __nickname__ has not changed. Mikan felt her blood freeze when she finally realized what phone she was holding (no, not her new one, no, it was her __old__ one and dear Kami-sama, what are the odds that they would __still__ try?)

" _ _Polka__?"

"...Natsume?"

* * *

A.N: 5 year time skip. Mikan's fine, with good people. She has to attend mandatory sessions with the doctors though.

I'll fix any errors later. I just want to get this out quick because I am buried under assignments. Thanks for reading.


	8. Chapter 6: Reconnecting

A.N: ... I guess I can throw you guys a bone after that cliffy previously. Enjoy. You've all been thirsty for more after all.

* * *

 ** **CHAPTER 6: RECONNECTING****

* * *

" _ _Polka, you're really there right?__ "

Mikan couldn't do anything. Her whole body was cold from shock at the sound of a friend she hadn't heard from so long.

She really wasn't lying when she said she wouldn't care in front of Dr Ueda, but now in this situation, she found herself ill prepared. She's not yet ready for this. __She's not ready for this.__

" _ _Polka, answer me! Where are you right now? Are you alright? You ran away and disappeared and__ now __you finally answer? What the hell, Polka!__ " Natsume boomed. She felt her body curling defensively at his words, reminded that no matter what happened in the past, even if they ignored her, they did care for her, at least for a little bit. She must have caused them so much trouble. She ran away, didn't leave anything behind for them. They probably had to file police reports and pay people to find her and it must be so much __trouble__ trying to look for her. Just listen to how angry Natsume was.

"Natsume, I…"

" _ _Well__?" he demanded. His breathing was even more pronounced than before. He must be so furious, Mikan thought. Fear and anxiety gripped her.

"I'm sorry."

She hung up and turned off her phone. She threw it to the floor, uncaring if it cracked and wrapped herself in her blankets, trying to even out her breathing.

It took a long time before she finally calmed herself enough to sleep. That night, she dreamed of cats with glossy black fur and eyes like embers staring at her accusingly.

* * *

When she went to work that day, still plagued with her dreams and fatigue and the __phone call__ , Nobara-chan took one look at her, face pale with dark circles under her eyes, and placed Mikan on the empty seats. She then put a glass of sweet tea in front of Mikan, and urged her to drink. Mikan wordlessly drank, and it was when she finished it all that Nobara finally spoke.

"Mikan-chan, what's wrong? You look terrible," she worriedly remarked, as she placed a cold palm on Mikan's cheek.

"It's alright, Nobara-chan. Just a bad dream," Mikan weakly replied, a wan smile adorned her lips. She leaned into the touch, and sighed. "It was a long night."

"It must have been if you're like this," Nobara commented. "Do you want to take the day off?"

"It's fine. I can still work."

"Absolutely no," Nobara replied, steel behind her words. Her expression softened somewhat, taking in Mikan's pathetic figure, and she sat beside Mikan.

"Mikan-chan," Nobara started. "You're recovering, but you're still depressed, right? You're a strong person, Mikan-chan, to be able to go through everything and still find the strength and wake up. You probably don't even want to go out of bed this morning, don't you?"

Mikan's silence was enough to answer Nobara. "If your night was so bad you can't even _hide_ it from me, then it must be really bad," Nobara said.

"Take the day off, Mikan-chan," Nobara declared. "It's alright. I can handle one less worker for the day. I'll call in one of the part timers."

"Is it really alright? I feel bad making you go through all this," Mikan said. "You've already done so much for me. I should really work today."

"It's fine, it's fine," Nobara insisted. "I can't have you work here in good conscience if you're feeling bad. Besides, in this state, you're more likely to be distracted and lag behind. It'll be troublesome for the workers and customers. We can't have that."

Mikan had the feeling that Nobara intentionally worded it in a way that would drive Mikan away. However, what Nobara said was true. Despite wanting to work out of gratefulness to the wonderful silver haired woman in front her, she would cause more trouble than good like this. That wouldn't do.

"Alright. I'll take the day off then." Mikan stood up and hugged Nobara. "Thanks Nobara-chan."

"Think nothing of it, Mikan-chan."

* * *

Mikan promised to rest, but she found herself going to the train station's shopping mall. Hakone was well known for its' hot spring inns and resorts. It only took two hours to get here by train from Tokyo. It was a popular tourist spot. Seeing the rise in tourism around Hakone, Hakone's train station was upgraded into a shopping mall/train station, like so many well developed cities.

Surrounded by so many people and so much noise, Mikan walked around until she reached a store selling cosmetics. Mikan remembered back then, when she was in Tokyo, she would go to the stores and buy cheap concealers in bulk, worried that people will remark on her increasingly pale face due to sleepless nights. Seeing how the sleepless nights will still stay with her even after being away from Tokyo, she wondered if she should buy some now too.

One of the store clerks, after observing Mikan and noticing that she's not leaving, approached her and said, "Is there anything you would like, miss?"

Mikan snapped out of her thoughts, and noticed the store clerk looking at her with a polite smile on her face and curious eyes.

"Yes," Mikan replied. "Do you have any good concealers? I'm having trouble sleeping and it's showing."

"Of course!" the store clerk beamed. "We have foundations and concealers. We have blush too, to give you that extra 'oomph' that will surely make heads turn! Oh, and some, tinted lip balm as well. What about moisturizer? You would need that as well, and also…" the store clerk carried on with her babbling, as she dragged Mikan to the aisle with neatly arranged rows of make up. She has not stopped her barrage of words, shoving a few bottles and tubes in Mikan's arms.

Mikan tried interrupting her politely, but it doesn't seem like she's stopping. The pile in her hands grow larger as she added more.

She had a bad feeling about this.

* * *

"Thank you very much! Please, come again."

Mikan could only awkwardly laugh as she left the store, with more than just concealer. She cringed when she remembered the total cost of it all. Make up is ridiculously __expensive__. Mikan's so glad she was never much of a shopaholic, only using money to buy the bare necessities and to pay rent. Her bank account could handle it. It still made her wince though, so used to being frugal and never allowing herself to buy luxuries that people in Tokyo tend to do.

Thank goodness she managed to avoid buying everything from the over enthusiastic store clerk. But she did pick 2 of everything from the pile. And she had her concealer. Looking at the bags filled with make up and creams, she wondered if she can have someone teach her to properly apply them. Maybe one of the part timers, or Nobara-chan herself. Or she could just go on Youtube or Instagram and watch how the make up gurus apply them.

She'll need this. It'll be handy when she has to hide her tired expression face. Or when the occasion calls the need to be fancy.

* * *

Tea Roll Bakery was run by a married couple, Hiroyasu Ueda (who was in no way related to Doctor Kana Ueda) and Yumi Ueda. It just opened a few weeks ago in the train station shopping mall and was quickly gaining popularity due to its delicious matcha desserts and tiramisu cake. The cute designs of the pastries, together with the warm atmosphere of the shop and excellent customer service, quickly made it into a popular stop. It also didn't help that Hiroyasu-san, despite being in his late thirties, was extremely youthful looking and his young wife was absolutely adorable.

Mikan had always wanted to stop by and try the sweets offered.

She had never really stopped stuffing herself with sweets whenever she's feeling down. She still does it every now and then, though not as frequent as it was 5 years ago. Since she's in the area, she might as well stop by.

She deserved it, after the bad night she had.

When she entered the bakery, she was immediately assaulted with the sweet smell of cakes and the soft sounds of piano music. A young girl with long blond hair in a frilly white and blue uniform greeted her. "Welcome!" she said, beaming brightly.

 _ _How cute__ , Mikan inwardly sighed. Mikan smiled back. She went to the counter and ordered her sweets and tea. After she paid, she was ushered to one of the small tables near the window by the cute blonde.

"Please wait for a while. Your order will come shortly."

With a charming whirl of her skirt, she left Mikan alone. Mikan surveyed the bakery briefly, noting that it was not quite as full as it used to be. Probably because it was still working hours. Mikan knew from experience that the real challenge begins when work hours were over and everybody was tired. It was around that time that people stopped by the restaurants and stores, wanting to buy something for home or just drink beer with friends. Mikan assumed it was the same with the store. People probably buys sweets here before they went home from work.

A few minutes later, the blonde girl came back again with a tray of cakes and a cup of tea. She gently placed them on the table in front of Mikan. Mikan admired the girl. Her adorable features really are pleasing. It fit her uniform. She felt like she can stare at the blonde girl for hours.

"Please enjoy!" she chirped, and bowed slightly to Mikan.

"Will do. Thank you."

"Your welcome!" With that, the girl left. Mikan could still feel herself smiling. __Ahhh, so cute.__ She always had a weakness for cute things. She can fawn over them forever if she wasn't careful.

Mikan turned to the cakes in front of her. She ordered a slice of their famous tiramisu and a matcha roll cake. After admiring the cake and snapping a few photos of it and posting it on her Instagram, she finally decided to dig in.

When the cake passed her lips, a burst of sweet deliciousness coated her taste buds. Mikan sighed in delight, already feeling significantly better than before. As she enjoyed her cake, she thought about last night, when Nasume called and her previous therapy session.

In retrospect, Mikan should have known reconciling and reconnecting weren't going to be easy. There would be high tension, and Mikan, a person who always preferred to avoid conflict, would probably run. Her flight instincts were especially strong when it came to sensitive topics, always avoid touching them. It's why she never discussed her problems with anyone, only baring her heart just by a little bit to one person, who just so happen to be the same person calling her last night.

Back then, Mikan, after long hours of thinking, had decided to share her problems with Natsume bit by bit. It was never a spur of the moment when she told Natsume about her dreams, when she answered his calls in the middle of the night, when she listened to his worries. She thought about it long and hard, after realizing that binge eating sweets and anonymous confessing on websites and watching TV shows weren't effective anymore. She had to talk to someone at the time, and Natsume was the one who first sought her out after that night at the park. She picked Natsume, because after getting to know him, she knew he wouldn't do anything about her problems; he wouldn't care enough about her to help her and was already facing his own problems. Mikan just needed someone to listen.

Natsume at the time was perfect. A perfect listening companion.

But now, he wasn't a perfect listening companion anymore. Aoi-chan was probably all better now, and whatever problems Natsume had, they were probably small ones, insignificant ones that he could deal with himself. Nothing quite so monumental as losing his baby sister. He called her. Mikan could assume that wasn't the only time Natsume tried calling.

 _How many other times_ , Mikan wondered, _did he try?_ Did he try every day? Did he care when she ran?

The reason why Doctor Ueda insisted that Mikan contact her old friends was that she believed it would help Mikan with her depression. It would resolve most of the problems that Mikan faced, and would help with her self-esteem.

Despite being well enough to work, Doctor Ueda had said that Mikan's self-esteem was worryingly low.

"You don't think much about yourself," the doctor had said before in one of their sessions. "You put others before yourself first. There's nothing wrong with being selfless, but constantly prioritizing others, disregarding your own wants and needs, is needlessly self sacrificial. It is alright to be selfish, Sakura-san."

"But others __are__ more important than me. I wouldn't be where I am without them. Even now, I'm alive because of others. People saved me. I didn't save myself. Shouldn't I supposed to care for them?"

"That's true. But are you here because of other people? Did you wake up every morning because of people? Did you binge eat and lock away your emotions because of people? Did you consume the medication I gave you because of people?"

"..."

"Did you jump because of people?"

"I…"

"The answer to that, is no. You did all that for yourself. Because no matter how much you place others above you, you still care enough about your own happiness. You just don't love yourself."

" _ _Love__ myself?"

"It sounds cheesy and ridiculous, perhaps, but it's true. If you can't even accept and love yourself, how do you expect others to love and accept __you__?"

"Ahhh, this is…"

"It's frustrating, isn't it? Accepting this is never easy, especially for someone like you, who cares so much about what others say. It's frightening, to finally realize that you place so much power in others when it comes to your own happiness. You've relied on your friends and your family. But now they are no longer here. You are on your own. __You__ hold the power to your own future now. So, do you want to get better, Sakura-san?"

"... I do. It's scary, but I do."

"Then, the first step to do so is to resolve all past problems you have had. One of which can be done if you inform your family members and friends about yourself as well as all the issues you have with them. What comes next is up to you. You can continue pursuing your relationship with them, or you can sever all ties with them once you have discussed your problems. It will be difficult, but it will do you more good than harm. Talk to them once you are ready."

Mikan had thought about it after that and decided that she won't make the first move. It's absolutely daunting. Despite wanting to be better, finding her own path, building back her own self-esteem was proving difficult when there were so many ghosts shadowing her. She told the doctor she wouldn't contact them, thinking that they would never call her or find her again. Then, she'll be able to slowly get over it. She was so certain that they wouldn't contact her.

But Natsume was able to call her. She promised the doctor she would not run if they did find her. The die is cast.

Mikan had zoned out and only after she had sipped her tea absentmindedly that she realized she had finished all her cake. Mikan blinked at the empty plate in front of her in slight bemusement. She could vaguely remember what it taste like. She should have savoured the sweets more thoroughly though. It was really good cake. She should come by again, with Nobara-chan and Youichi.

She left the store and walked back to her apartment, arms heavy with her shopping bag, thinking about her next step. Then, she slowly made up her mind.

* * *

Mikan sat on her bed, her legs folded under her neatly as she stared at her old phone. Thankfully, it was not broken when Mikan threw it the previous night. She guessed the rubber casing managed to absorb some of the impact, enough to leave the phone intact.

It was 11 at night, way past working hours. Unless Natsume worked late at night and was busy, he would probably answer if Mikan called him now.

Her heart thudding rapidly like the beat of a hummingbird's wings, feeling like it could burst out of her ribcage. Mikan took deep breaths, and turned her phone on. Her phone screen lit up once more, and Mikan saw 3 new messages all from Natsume. 2 were sent a few minutes after the call ended last night, and the last message was sent this afternoon.

* * *

 **From: Natsume**

answer the phone, damnit

* * *

 **From: Natsume**

look i'm sorry i yelled, just answer the phone. i need to talk with you.

* * *

 **From: Natsume**

call me back when you're ready. i'll answer when you call. just call me back, okay?

* * *

Mikan could feel guilt enveloping her, the thorns prickling her. The feeling was unwelcome when she thought back that she wasn't the only one who was worried. Natsume must have been worried too.

Calmed somewhat at the thought, Mikan tapped the screen and called Natsume.

True enough, it only took two rings for Natsume to answer her.

" _ _Polka__?" Natsume sounded wary, unsure. As though he himself didn't believe that Mikan called him.

"Hi, Natsume," she slowly greeted him. She hated the hesitant tone of her voice.

" _ _... So you finally decided to call back. Not going to run away?__ " There was no accusation in that sentence. Just curiosity. She could feel her confidence slowly building up.

She could do this.

"No."

" _ _I see. Are you alright?__ "

"I'm fine. I'm sorry if I worried you," she replied. It was true, she was sorry that she worried them. She can't say the same for running away. She's not sorry for that.

" _ _...tch. I'm not the only one worried you know. Where were you all these years? We looked for you.__ "

"I figured. I'm sorry, I just… I just needed…"

". _ _.. you don't have to explain yourself. I know.__ " Mikan could practically feel the tired acceptance in his tone. Mikan wondered if he truly knew.

"I'm sorry."

"..." Natsume went silent. Mikan couldn't figure out what he's thinking. Did he disapprove? A sudden thought struck her and she found herself panicking. She felt like smacking herself.

"Did you tell anyone? That I answered you?"

" _ _No, I didn't.__ "

"Oh thank goodness," she gasped in relief. Just Natsume was scary. Mikan wasn't sure if she can handle the others. She wondered why he didn't notify others, but she can ask that later, too relieved to think of anything else.

" _ _... you really don't want everybody to know you're alright, do you?__ " Finally __there__ was the accusing tone Mikan was looking for. But they've gone this far, she won't run. She __won't run__.

"... A lot of things happened. I'm not ready to tell everybody yet."

" _ _Alright then. I won't tell if you don't want me to,__ " Natsume replied after a moment. Mikan kept on taking deep breaths. She can't panic now. She's doing so good. She won't run, she can do this.

"Really?"

" _ _Really.__ "

"Thank you."

After that, it was silent. Mikan could hear him breathing, but it wasn't as ragged as last night. It was calm, deep breaths. Mikan closed her eyes, and remembered what Doctor Ueda said to her: " _ _You__ hold the power to your own future now. So, do you want to get better, Sakura-san?"

No turning back. "Say Natsume, do you want to meet up?"

* * *

Mikan was at a cafe, fretfully fiddling with the straps of her handbag as she sipped her sugary frappe. The cafe was near the train station, just around the area. It only took a few minutes to walk from the train station to here. Natsume wouldn't get lost finding her, it was a relatively open place.

When Mikan offered to meet up, Natsume unsurprisingly agreed. What was surprising was how quickly and almost __eagerly__ he did, telling Mikan not to move, saying that he'll come to her instead. Mikan could feel her amazement wash over her senses as she informed him to come to Hakone, and that she'll wait near the train station.

It was almost time. Mikan came early, wanting to get hold of herself. It's been a while since they met. She wondered if Natsume had changed physically. Mikan was no longer the same skinny teenager she had once been. She was a late bloomer, only truly growing up after she was discharged from the hospital. She didn't cut her hair, merely trimmed it a few times and it grew long and thick down her back; she couldn't be bothered going to the hairdresser. She didn't dye her hair, didn't put on make up no matter how much it tempted her that morning, afraid that Natsume wouldn't recognize her.

Now she wondered if __she__ wouldn't recognize Natsume. Would he dye his hair? Would he have piercings? Aside from his voice, was there anything else about him that changed? Mikan suddenly felt the urge to know.

Slowly, she could feel somebody's eyes on her, her neck prickling at the rather intense gaze. She looked up from her lap and was met with familiar, nostalgic red eyes. The person, no longer a teenager, a full grown man now, strode towards her and Mikan took in his appearance. He was taller now. His build was slightly more muscled too, elegant and toned like a swimmer's. His face had sharper edges, more masculine than it had been when he was a teenager. His hair was still the same, still as dark and artfully messy as ever. His eyes were still the same red shade. He had changed but was familiar enough. Mikan could feel a burst of odd fondness in her as he sat in the empty chair in front of her.

Natsume stared at her intently, face impassive, but his eyes told Mikan volumes. He was relieved too, and Mikan was so glad he had not changed drastically, that there was still some semblance of his teenaged self. "Polka," he greeted, his voice slightly deeper than it had been on the phone, and Mikan resisted the unexpected need to shiver.

Mikan smiled at him. "Hi, Natsume."

* * *

A.N.: Errors will be fixed later when I'm free. Thanks for reading.


	9. Intermission: Stagnant Hopes & Promises

A.N.: THE SECOND TIME I'VE UPDATED TWICE A WEEK YOU MOFOS BETTER BE GRATEFUL FOR THIS BECAUSE I SURE AIN'T DOING THIS OFTEN. On a side note, I really wanted to make Natsume into shounen manga editor. Damn you, __Sekaiichi Hatsukoi__.

Warning: Explicit language and cursing.

 **Edited** 9/8/2018

* * *

 **INTERMISSION: STAGNANT HOPES AND PROMISES**

* * *

It's been 5 years since Polka disappeared. Not once had Natsume ever forgotten about it.

How can he? Out of all the people in her life, turns out Natsume was the only one who knew Polka had demons of her own. Not even Imai knew. And those demons weren't small ones. For the first time, Natsume allowed himself to be impressed that Polka managed to hide this and act like she was fine in front of everyone. She really did managed to convince people that she was happy.

Then he felt frustrated. Why was he the only one who had even a clue to what she was feeling? Why even tell __him__ about anything? Why him? Why couldn't she tell anyone else? They would be more than happy to help her. If there exist a person who hated Mikan Sakura, there would be 9 more who liked her. Polka's likeable and sociable. They would help her if she would just __tell__.

Now that Natsume knew a little bit of what's inside that supposedly pea sized brain of hers, he should have really said something.

The general consensus about Polka was that she ran away, sulking that no one came when she called. Natsume knew it's not that. He remembered all those talks he had with her, on how much she loved and emotionally depended on her grandfather, all those hints of her depression and suicidal thoughts, and hoped it wasn't what he think it was.

He had felt so guilty. She told him her problems, and yet all he did was listened. He didn't do anything, too wrapped up in his worry for Aoi to do so.

Now, Aoi was healthy. If only Polka would come back, Natsume would be more than glad to help her.

* * *

"Ah man, whoever said that university life was rosy should go __suck my dick__ ," Mochu slurred. There were grunts of agreement from almost everybody.

Natsume had just entered the pub and most of them were already drunk out of their minds.

This was something they do every month. The guys agreed to gather around at an __izakaya__ and there they would hang out, eat and drink beer or _sake_ , and talk and moan about whatever was going on in their life. Just a regular outing, really.

"Ah, my lecturer, you know, he could have at least, like, go __easy__ on us. Not like everybody could reach his standard," Kitsuneme sneered.

"What did he do?" Ruka curiously asked. Ruka was one of the three people who weren't drunk. The only other one would be Koko, who was just eating his fried chicken like it was the best thing that existed since Shouda. Iinchou munched on his __edamame,__ avidly listening and nodding his head, as sober as a monk.

"He rejected all my paper! All of them! Like, what do you want from me, man?" Kitsuneme yelled, obviously frustrated, no longer restraining himself. His head swayed from side to side as he furiously shook his fist in front of Ruka. Ruka looked like he was a step away from laughing because of how __comical__ Kitsuneme looked. His squinty eyes aren't helping either. "I did it just the way you told me to! __Everything__! If only if you would just get your pretentious head out of your __ass__ , then maybe you'd realized that my paper was great!"

" _Pretentious_? He can still say that properly when he's __this__ drunk?" Natsume muttered under his breath as he slid into the empty space between Ruka and Koko. Koko snorted at his words, amused at Mochu as well. Ruka, no longer able to control himself after hearing Natsume, he burst out laughing.

Kitsuneme looked betrayed. He placed his hands roughly on Ruka's shoulders and shake him. "My dude, why are you laughing? It ain't __funny__ ," he moaned. "How could you, Ruka? I haven't slept in __forever__ ever since that old balding geezer gave me work. I haven't even had the chance to get a girlfriend."

Mochu nodded. "You said it man. I've been eyeing this chick in my class. Woweee, she's pretty. Her boobs were huge too." He then had a glazed look in his eyes, obviously fantasizing about the lady he's lusting on. "What I wouldn't give to just bury my face in those. If death by breast suffocation existed, I would __die__ happy."

Koko laughed. "As if she'd let your ugly bald ass anywhere near her."

Mochu stood in outrage. "Hey, I'm not bald! I shave my head."

Koko leaned back, an obnoxious grin on his face. "I don't hear anything about the ugly part. You admit you're ugly, then?"

Mochu let out a battle cry and flew in a rage towards Koko. Koko still didn't wipe that grin off his face, gleeful at the reaction Mochu gave him. Natsume let out a sigh. If people didn't know him, they would think he's exasperated. But he's not.

Ahh, these idiots. What would his life be without them?

"Out of all of us, Koko and Ruka's the only one with girlfriends," Iinchou stated, sipping his glass of water slowly.

"That's right," Kitsuneme said. "How's it going with the Ice Queen?"

Ruka smiled. "We're still great. Hotaru's amazing. She had a conference in Italy about her newest invention. I'll be going there in three days too."

"Ahh you're whipped," Koko said. "But then, who's surprised?"

"I was!" Mochu hiccuped. "Ruka, when we were in high school, I thought you were going to date Mikan. So imagined my shock when you went with the Blackmail Queen."

At the mention of the cheerful brunette who was still __missing__ , the room turned a few degrees colder. Ruka had a sad look in his eyes and Koko frowned in distaste at Mochu. Natsume clenched his hands as he glared at his glass of beer. Iinchou eyes wildly flicked around them, already panicking.

Mochu continued, too drunk to notice. "It was so obvious that she liked you. __Everyone__ can see it. Then after that Valentine, you went with her best friend instead." He lightly punched on Ruka's shoulder. "You heartbreaker, you!"

"But then she still looked so happy. Makes me wonder if she even liked you. Or if she's just that sporting about it all. I wouldn't be surprised if she really didn't care. She did love the Ice Queen a lot. For a time, I thought she was a lesbian, with the way she was hanging around her so much even after being hit with Imai's invention so many times. Either she's a masochist or she just really like Imai," Kitsuneme quipped. He leered then. "Or __both__."

"Not like I'm against her or anything," Kitsuneme added. "Mikan's a great person. Those hazelnut chocolates she gave me were awesome. But, just," he struggled a bit, trying to talk through his inebriation.

"Don't you think she's a bit, like, I dunno, __too__ nice?" he eventually spat out. "Nobody ever apologized to her for all those bad pranks we pulled on her or helped her when the school started bullying her that year she first came. And Imai's her best friend and she didn't even do anything. And-and-and she's the principal's niece! But he didn't even do shit. Isn't that terrible? She's his __niece,__ " he emphasized.

"Right?" Mochu slurred. "But she still accepted everyone. She tried so hard to be accepted. She just smiled and never gave up, and before I knew it, everybody started liking her. She helped so many people too."

Iinchou nodded reluctantly. "Mikan-chan, she was never one to hold grudges. She still smiled and stayed strong even after everything. She was really great." Iinchou's lips trembled slightly, "She must have been so sad, to run away without telling anyone. We should have been there when her grandpa died," he echoed.

A somber mood settled around them like a dark cloud. Koko gave a pat to Iinchou and said, "Now, now let's not be sad. Mikan-chan wouldn't want us to be sad. Let's talk about something else. Come on guys. Drink, drink!"

He called a waiter to their table and with that, the heavy air lightened slowly. They continued talking about university and whatever it was that came to mind, but Natsume wasn't listening anymore. He just sat there, finally gulping down the beer in front of him.

It was lukewarm. Natsume hated the way it made his stomach churn.

* * *

Natsume threw his bag on the sofa when he came back to his apartment. He was slightly tipsy from the drinking, but was still able to think clearly. He laid down on his bed and he scrolled through the messages on his smartphone, idly skimming through them. He didn't realize just how much he had scrolled down until he saw the last message he had from Polka before she disappeared. It was just a few days before Aoi's surgery, when he told her they found a matching donor.

* * *

 ** **From: Polka****

That's great! (´∀`) Aoi must be so happy!

Congratulations! Now you can rest easy. ＾ω＾

I'll be praying for both of you and Auntie Kaoru. (●≧ω≦)9

* * *

His thumb hovered over her contact. When it was obvious she wasn't coming back, everyone slowly went on with their lives. Auntie Yuka and Shiki took care of their twins, the way they never did with Polka; carefully and never leaving them to the babysitter. Auntie Yuka stopped being a workaholic, but Natsume could tell that she never stopped thinking about Polka.

"I wish I could have been a better mother," Auntie Yuka cried to him, a few days after they filed a police report, unable to find a trace of her anywhere.

Natsume wasn't much better himself. He snapped at her when she needed people the most. Natsume knew Polka would always, always understand when people lashed out, but that didn't mean it was okay to do it. Natsume had been the biggest culprit in this. He never apologized for letting her feel the brunt of his frustration. The last call she gave wasn't the only time. There were other times; small, brief moments when he snapped at her a bit too harshly. She never took it against him, merely accepted it.

She accepted everything. And Natsume feels like an asshole for taking it for granted.

He tapped on her contact number and called her. He had never stopped calling her over the years, hoping she would answer one day. The calls decreased over time, but he never stopped. He couldn't.

Of course, the call never went through previously. But this time, there was a ring.

Natsume couldn't believe it. Now? Was it finally the moment? He held his breath in anticipation. Please let it be now.

There were a few more rings and then he heard a click. There was rustling on the phone, and he heard a voice.

" _ _Yes__?"

It was soft, slightly raspy. The receiver obviously just woke up from sleep. But it was familiar. A voice he hadn't heard from for so long; the sheer relief he felt when he heard it was __staggering__.

* * *

In hindsight, maybe he shouldn't have yelled at her, Natsume thought. Even if he was drunk, he shouldn't have yelled. Obviously it scared her so much she hung up.

Natsume tried calling again, but like always, it didn't go through. She probably switched her phone off. He gritted his teeth, frustrated that she can't call her anymore, and half scolded himself for being so critical and demanding towards her. He sent her two messages, but he had a feeling that she wouldn't see them anyway.

The relief never disappeared though. It clung to his body, dug deep under his skin and settled within his bones. He was so fucking __glad__ that she's alright.

He couldn't focus in class that day, couldn't listen to the lecturer rambling about old _Tanka_ poems that would be analyzed later. All he could think of was Polka.

How is she? Is she still depressed? Where is she living right now? Who are with her now? Why was he able to call her now, after so many failed attempts?

He want to know. He want to know everything.

Eventually he sent another message, uncaring if she'll even read it. At least he tried. This time, he tried wording it in a way that wouldn't seem threatening. For a moment, he felt like he was meticulously setting a trap to capture a flighty bird. Which is in a way, true.

He only hoped she would call him. It doesn't matter if it's now or later. He can wait, Natsume told himself.

He can wait.

* * *

It was night. He went home with minimal trouble, continuously chanting, _'I can wait_ ', to himself. He was lying down in his bed, just waiting to sleep when his phone rang. When he looked at the screen, he immediately sat up and answered.

"Polka?"

" _ _Hi, Natsume,__ " she said. Her words were slow, hesitant. But she called and Natsume calmed himself down.

"... So you finally decided to call back. Not going to run away?" he asked. Polka always flew if she even thinks that there's going to be any confrontation before, but if she still feel like she's not ready then it's fine. At least Natsume knew that she's well enough to call him.

" _ _No__ ," she replied. Her voice was soft, yet firm. She sounded determined.

"I see. Are you alright?" He tried to keep his voice neutral. No scaring her. He can't scare her away.

" _ _I'm fine. I'm sorry if I worried you__ ," At least she sound apologetic enough. Natsume knew first hand that she __is__ sorry for worrying everyone. __But__ , he thought, __is she sorry for leaving so suddenly?__

"...tch," he tutted. "I'm not the only one worried you know. Where were you all these years? We looked for you."

" _ _I figured__ ," she whispered. Her voice was even softer now. Natsume could practically __taste__ the guilt in it. " _ _I'm sorry, I just… I just needed…__ "

"... you don't have to explain yourself. I know," he sighed. Because, damn it, he __does__ know. He was one of the people who drove her away. The blame may not be on him alone, but he did contribute. In fact, considering that he was the one who knew the most, the one who was most aware of her circumstance, he's probably the king wearing the thorny guilty crown. At the time, he knew and he didn't care.

If anything, he was the one who owed her an apology. Not the other way around.

He didn't say anything else, and the awkward silence was so thick, it's suffocating. Then, Polka asked, as though she has just realized something, " _ _Did you tell anyone? That I answered you?__ "

"No, I didn't," he answered. He thought about telling others, but there was a part of him that didn't want to say anything to anyone. It was the same part of him that never told anyone about their late night chats and texts. He realized he __loved__ it, keeping this as his own personal secret. Like he was important enough for her to bare herself just for a little while.

He tried not to read too much into it. It's probably just him being stupid.

" _ _Oh thank goodness__ ," she gasped in relief. Natsume, at that point, could not squash down the annoyance and slight anger at her relief. Did she really find them so untrustworthy and uncaring?

"... you really don't want everybody to know you're alright, do you?" He couldn't stop the tone of accusation colouring his words.

" _ _... A lot of things happened. I'm not ready to tell everybody yet__." Natsume would bet his entire manga collection that her words were an understatement.

"Alright then. I won't tell if you don't want me to," he settled. He'll take this slow. He promised himself he'll wait. Kami-sama help him, but he will __wait__.

" _ _Really__?"

"Really," he affirmed.

" _ _Thank you,"__ she breathed. She sounded so grateful, Natsume couldn't prevent the tingle of pleasure running up his spine at those words.

After a moment of silence, she then asked " _ _Say Natsume, do you want to meet up?__ "

If anyone asked, Natsume will deny it to his __grave__ that he pumped his fist in the air and silently screamed. It didn't happen. __At all__.

* * *

When Polka told him to come meet her in Hakone, he was surprised because __Hakone__? Seriously? She's living there? What's she doing in a hot spring town?

But he swept that away and immediately bought the first ticket to Hakone the next morning. His body thrummed with anxiety and excitement.

During that two hour ride, he wondered about her. She would probably no longer be the same pig tailed girl she once was. Once, he saw pictures of Auntie Yuka when she was in her 20s at her house. He wondered if Polka would look like that. Probably. She does have an uncanny resemblance with her mother.

As soon as he arrived at the train station, he stepped out and immediately when to the cafe Polka was waiting. He followed the directions he gave her, his stride never faltering or stopping.

When he finally found the place, he entered and his eyes roamed around the place, looking for a head of brown hair or the familiar face that sometimes haunted his dreams and straying thoughts. His gaze finally rested on a woman with long hair past her waist, sipping on the sugary drink girls seem to like nowadays.

The woman, sensing somebody looking at her, lifted her head, and ' _ _oh__ ', Natsume thought for a split second. ' _ _She's so beautiful now__.'

Those familiar dark eyes never strayed from his as he walked towards her. Her face, so similar to Auntie Yuka and yet so incredibly __different__ , looked so open. She was prepared to meet him.

When he slid into the empty seat in front of her, he felt his resolve forming and solidifying in his heart. This time, he'll stay and he'll help. He won't let her leave. She won't have to run anymore.

"Polka."

She smiled at him. It looked so nostalgic and Natsume felt like they were 17 and in that lonely park all over again. "Hi, Natsume," she greeted and he made his decision.

He'll be there for her. This is a promise he intends to keep.

* * *

A.N: So there. Hope you enjoy. Errors will be fixed later. By the way, 'manga' sounds like 'mangga' which means 'mango' in my native tongue, so I was laughing myself sick at the image of Natsume surrounded by mangoes. Ahahaha.


	10. Chapter 7: Healing & Baby Steps

**A.N** : Behold, the longest chapter up to date. Also very dialogue heavy. But this chapter is mostly made up of Mikan and Natsume's interaction, so that should be enough for you after all those cliffies in the previous chapters.

Warning: Slight cursing.

 **EDITED** 14/8/2018

* * *

 **CHAPTER 7: HEALING AND BABY STEPS**

* * *

Mikan tried keeping a calm, open expression on her face, but her heartbeat feels like it's out of control. Mikan wanted to get better but in front of Natsume like this, in person instead of through the phone, no long distance keeping them apart, was nerve wracking. Her hands were wet not just because of the condensation from the cold frappe, but also due to nervous sweat.

Natsume sat there, looking as infallible as ever, his face the same cold expression Mikan had always seen on him ever since she had known him as a child. But his eyes burned with intense curiosity. Mikan could tell Natsume wanted to ask her so many question, questions he no doubt had thought of ever since she disappeared, and yet it seemed as though he's keeping his tongue in check.

She didn't know whether to feel grateful that Natsume was willing to exercise patience for her, or even more nervous that she's going to mess this up.

"Thanks for coming here. I know it's a long way, coming from Tokyo. The ticket probably wasn't cheap either," she started. She thought it best to show that she's sorry for this.

Natsume waved his hands as though trying to dismiss her words. "It's fine. I wouldn't come here if I didn't want to. Besides," he leaned slight forward and placed his chin on clasped hands, elbows on the table and Mikan felt the need to run escalating, "I want to know why you called me here _now_."

Mikan bit her bottom lip, no longer able to hide her anxiety. Natsume, probably noticing just how much this bothered her, leaned back on his seat again, no longer encroaching her personal space. "You left. And you've stayed here, ever since you ran. Is that right?"

Mikan nodded. "I…it's maybe best if you… ask me first; whatever questions you have. I don't think I can say anything right now. I can't think," she honestly replied. No use trying to lie to Natsume. Natsume always knew when she lies. "I'll tell you later, why I asked you to come here, after I've answered everything."

"Are you going to hide?"

"No."

Natsume seemed satisfied with her answer. "I don't know what happened to you these past years," he began, "So I'll start with the biggest question I have. Why did you leave?"

Mikan took a deep breath, trying to articulate her thoughts. It… was a slightly difficult question to answer because Mikan couldn't pinpoint the real reason why. The factors that pushed her to take such a drastic action that night were so many. "It's… probably not what people think. At least, that's what I think. Before I answer that, I want to know, what did the others say when I ran?"

"They thought you were sulking," Natsume bluntly answered. "That nobody came. So you ran, because nobody answered."

Mikan let out a laugh. "That's…not completely wrong. I did sulk a bit. But it wasn't the only reason. Definitely not the main one. Far from it."

"Then why?"

Mikan, with shaky hands, took out a file from her bag, containing her medical records from the hospital, from 5 years ago until she was discharged. She asked her doctor for a copy. She thought it would be the best way to make him believe her, that she wasn't just sulking. The innocuous looking document would say more than any words she could ever say.

She handed the documents to Natsume and Natsume, after briefly staring at it, accepted it in his hands. "What's this?" he asked as he took out the papers.

"My medical records."

"Why would you-" He started before he frowned at it, the words catching his attention. Then he turned pale, his eyes widening as he read through the documents. He flipped through the pages, skin becoming an almost chalky hue with each turn of the pages.

Mikan wondered what he thinks of her now.

He placed the documents on the table after he finished, wide red irises staring at her. There was just shock there. There was no judgement.

Taking courage in that, Mikan then said, "When Jii-chan died, I couldn't think of anything else. I was just really sad. It was a bad time for me. And then when I called everyone, I was really just looking for something to latch on to. I don't really care if you guys come, or if you just talked with me on the phone." Mikan let out another laugh, morbidly amused at how pathetic she was back then. "I just want someone to _listen._ " she said.

"I know, that you don't think of me as much," Mikan continued. "I hear what people say about me. I now how they act towards me. I'm not blind. I'm not deaf either. I know. But I don't care at the time. Even an illusion that people cared would be enough. I just need something, someone to help me pull myself together."

"Polka, I-"

"No, Natsume," she cut him off, determined to say her part. The dam holding all her emotions finally broke, and she had no intention of stopping him. Mikan wanted him to know. "Please listen to me. You want to know right?" Natsume nodded, his skin still bloodless looking, but no longer quite so shocked.

"When I ran, I was thinking so many things. That I don't have anyone who cared about me. That Kaa-chan and Shiki-san no longer cared about me; why would they? They have the twins now. They have somebody else to love. Kaa-chan probably doesn't see me as her daughter anymore. That even if I stayed at Tokyo, I would never be happy. I would be surrounded by people who don't really care about me, in that horrible concrete jungle, and I can't stand that. Why do you think I tried so hard to be friendly and open and good _all the time_?

"I care about what people think of me, because if I'm nothing to them, then what exactly am I? So I did everything I could, but they still don't accept me.

"That night, I finally realized just how much you guys think of me. I was already depressed, anyway. Did you know that, Natsume? That I'm depressed? I'm suicidal too. The only thing that stopped me when I wanted to just kill myself was Jii-chan, but he wasn't there anymore. I called, and nobody came.

"So, I ran. And when I found that river, I thought, that maybe, if no one care, why should I live? If I jumped, not like anybody would notice. I wanted to end everything. So I jumped."

Mikan let out a breath. "Everything else that happened to me, it's all in there. After I was discharged, the people who found me gave me a job and a place to stay. And here I am now."

Natsume looked stricken, as though he was the one telling the story and not Mikan. He opened his mouth, as if to speak, but he closed it again. It was a wonderful impression of a fish out of water. Mikan waited for him to say anything else, because she needed to hear his opinion of her now.

"You're wrong," Natsume finally talked. His voice was slightly hoarse, and it was rare for Mikan to hear such raw emotions from him, who was always so aloof. "You don't know what others think about you. I don't know whatever it is that you thought of then and now, but it's not true. They still think about you. They haven't forgotten you. They like you."

Mikan tilted her head to the side slightly at that. She remembered how Sumire snapped at her, how Ruka brushed her off, how Hotaru had told her she would talk later, how the others didn't answer. And how her own mother had told her to leave for a while, the final blow that broke her.

Natsume was either being unusually kind, or he's lying. Or he's being unusually kind by lying to her.

"If that's so," she slowly said, "they sure have a funny way of showing they like me."

Natsume moved slightly in his seat, looking at Mikan's frappe. It was the closest thing to a flinch Mikan had seen from him.

"The others, after you left, nobody was happy. They looked for you. You don't see their face when they they found out you're gone. Yuka-san was almost hysterical."

"I know, they must be worried about me when I was gone," Mikan nodded. "They're good people. They would care if somebody disappeared, it doesn't matter if it was me or a stranger."

"No," Natsume growled out. "You've got it all wrong Polka. It wasn't just because somebody disappeared, it's because _you_ disappeared. Don't you get it? You're important."

"Natsume, I think you're overestimating my worth," Mikan finally laughed. It was so funny to see him trying so hard to make her believe she was actually ever important to them, or anybody else. Mikan didn't know anything then, but she knew her real worth now.

She's no one important. Just another one out of six billion people living on this planet. It's why she stopped trying to please others, why she stopped befriending as many people as she could possibly meet. Why would she do that now? No matter how hard she tried, it won't change the fact that she's not worth anything important. The others were able to see it then, see her worth.

It's time Mikan acknowledged that too.

Natsume looked like he wanted to throttle her. "Why won't you believe that?" he asked, eyes so intense it was almost glowing. They looked like rubies on fire. It was pretty. Natsume always looked lovely when he was lively, whether out of anger or joy or excitement. It hadn't changed when he was young and it still didn't now. Mikan could stare at him for days in this state.

"We really do care," he continued. "Ruka looked so fucking sorry when he told us he hung up on you. Imai resembles her robot more than a human now. Kaa-san cried for you, Aoi cried for you, your mother cried for you. There's not a person who didn't care when you were gone. Everyone looked for you. _Everyone_."

Mikan smiled. "I'm thankful that they at least cared. But it's just guilt Natsume. And they probably pity me too." Then, a thought struck her and she reached out to touch Natsume's hands with her fingertips. His hands were warm.

"You're a good person too, Natsume. You're feeling guilty, right? And after reading my medical record, you feel bad, don't you?" she whispered. "I'm sorry I made you feel that way. But it's really not your fault. It's not their fault either. I shouldn't have bothered them. Calling them was a mistake, I see that now."

"It _wasn't_. We should have come. _I_ should have come." Natsume bowed his head. "…I'm sorry," he apologized. He must be feeling so bad about all this, Mikan thought. To apologize to her when he didn't do anything wrong, to lower his pride to say those two words at her…

Mikan shook her head. "It's fine Natsume. You don't have to apologize. It was nobody's fault. Besides, you don't have to say that to me. I realized now you won't come."

Outraged at her words, Natsume opened his mouth to rebuke her, no doubt he's going to say heartwarming words like _he cared, they cared, they would have come, Mikan's important_. But this was enough. Mikan didn't want to see him like this. The usual, prideful Natsume was better than this appeasing man before her.

"At the time," Mikan cut him off, effectively stopping him from saying anything. "Aoi-chan was in surgery. She was scared. Kaoru-san was worried sick about her, and you were too. Both of them needed you then. Which would you pick," Mikan asked, "your scared family or a grieving friend?"

Natsume froze at her words. Then he slumped at his seat, carding his fingers through his hair in frustration. He turned to look at her, eyes blazing with a different emotion. "I would have come," Natsume declared firmly. "After Aoi's surgery, I would."

Mikan could feel her eyes softening at him. Natsume may looked brusque and unfeeling, but Mikan sometimes thought that he had a slight hero complex. He would care. "Thank you, I know that now," she told him, grateful that he was concerned enough to tell her that. It was five years late, but it didn't make it any less sweet.

Natsume sighed. Mikan wasn't sure if it was from relief or something else. It didn't sound like it was from the former. Mikan wrapped her lips around the straw in her frappe and sipped, and could feel the nice sweet taste of it rushing down her suddenly parched throat. She didn't realize how mentally exhausting it was to talk about this with Natsume. It was kind of like her therapy sessions with Dr. Ueda.

"Where are you living now?" Natsume eventually asked. He was staring at her mouth as she was enjoying her drink. Mikan self consciously wiped her mouth and that broke his stare. He looked straight at her. It looked like he had calmed down and was back to being his old self again.

"Here. I rented an apartment near the shopping district," Mikan answered, she finished the last of her drink and straightened herself. "It's near my workplace too. You know how I told you before, that there were people who saved me?"

"Mmhmm. What about them?"

"They run the place. It's a restaurant, just near the bathhouse. They visited me when I was in the hospital, and after I was healthy enough, they helped me find my apartment and offered me work. I work there now. Sometimes I'm the cook, but I'm usually waiting the tables."

"Tch," he tutted. "They helped you that much? Even for strangers, that's suspicious."

"Ahahaha," Mikan giggled. "People who are just genuinely nice still do exist Natsume. There are people out there who would help somebody in need, even if it was a stranger." She leaned forward towards him and Natsume looked slightly distracted at her movement. He blinked once and Mikan wondered what it was that caught his attention then.

"If it makes you feel better, her husband doesn't like me much," Mikan sheepishly admitted. "He thinks I'm suspicious, like I'm going to rob them any moment. Absolutely hates me the first time he saw me. Now, he just doesn't care about me."

He huffed, then looked to the side. He then eyed the staff and Mikan looked at one of the waitress glancing at them, fidgeting like she was uncomfortable with them. Mikan, who worked as a waitress herself, finally noticed just how long they had been here. She winced. She ordered nothing but her frappe but that was long finished. This cafe was popular, and the staff must be trying to figure out how to politely tell them to leave to make way for other customers. How inconsiderate.

Mikan stood up and disregarding the relieved look on the staff's faces, she said to Natsume, "We should leave. Do you have anywhere else you'd like to go?"

Natsume looked thoughtful, trying to pick the next place they could go. He then shrugged and said, walking towards her side, "Show me your workplace."

* * *

"Oh Mikan-senpai it's you!" One of the part timers, Nagi Kazuto greeted her. She was just a teenager working here during school breaks. Mikan noticed the way she looked at her tall, dark companion with awed and admiring eyes. Natsume surveyed the place, carefully cataloging everything he sees. As usual when faced with most women, he ignored Nagi-chan.

Mikan brought Natsume to Yuugao (Moonflower). It was break time, and Mikan thought it was a good moment for a brief visit. It's no good coming when it's busy and there are customers.

On the way to Yuugao, Mikan and Natsume chatted. There was none of the tension from earlier, and it was amicable, to Mikan's relief. Natsume reverted back to his rude self, interjecting and adding his own comments and sass in between Mikan's as they walked along the street.

Mikan noticed some of her acquaintances who were around the area looking at both of them with inquisitive eyes as they walked, and Mikan thought of the number of people who was going to be curious about Natsume. Mikan rarely ever had visitors and she was alone most of the time. She wasn't particularly close with anyone either. Aside from Nobara, Rei and Youchi, nobody here knew her past. To them, she suddenly appeared as Yuugao's worker and had been there ever since. Mikan never answered them when they asked, she merely gave them a Mona Lisa smile. Mikan just resigned herself to the amount of gossiping that will happen next; she'll prepare herself when they ask.

However, it was interesting to note that there were none of the casual insults from Natsume during the whole time they talked. Mikan had grown so used to them, it was weird not hearing it. Natsume's still rude and still cold, but he wasn't… mean.

Mikan didn't know what that meant. Maybe he's beyond insulting people then? Growing up into an adult had to change something.

"Hi, Nagi-chan," she said, her signature smile on her face. "Am I bothering everybody? I'm sorry. I just came to see everyone. And I want to introduce all of you to my friend here," she gestured towards Natsume. Natsume finally turned towards them and leveled Nagi-chan with his usual cold eyes. Nagi-chan blushed, and Mikan inwardly sighed. It was kind of predictable, how every person Mikan met was uncomfortably taken in with Natsume, either because of his intense persona or his good looks.

"Hi," Nagi-chan softly spoke, shifting her feet from side to side. "Welcome to Yuugao. I'm sorry, we can't serve you now," she apologized. Her eyes fluttered bashfully at Natsume, obviously enamoured. "It's break time for the staff. If you want to eat here, you'll have to come back later," she nevertheless, dutifully informed him. That's the nice thing about Nagi-chan and why Rei eventually gave her his sign of approval. She didn't let her emotions get in the way of her work.

That and because Nobara thinks she looked cute in Yuugao's blue yukata.

"It's fine," Natsume replied, and Nagi-chan blushed even harder hearing his voice. It really was unfair, Mikan thought. Natsume had everything didn't he? He didn't even had to try hard to get attention, people just gravitated towards him. Mikan admired that about him.

"Hello, Mikan-chan," Nobara greeted at the back, as she walked out of the staff room. She looked at Natsume for a second, then turned her attention towards Mikan. Of course Nobara wouldn't be affected by Natsume. She's gracious enough to not stare at him.

"Nobara-chan, I'm sorry for coming here during your break. I just wanted to introduce you to my friend here. He came to visit me for a while," she said.

"Natsume Hyuuga. Hi," Natsume introduced to Nobara-chan, short and concise.

"I'm Nobara Serio, Yuugao's chef and owner," she replied, a polite smile on her face. "It's nice to finally meet one of Mikan's friends. Are you here in Hakone for a visit or sightseeing?"

"Both."

"Then I suggest you go to the bathhouse near us," Nobara said. "Mikan-chan can show you the place. You can ask her for some other good sightseeing spots; nothing like the tourist attractions. She knows them." Nobara-chan then bowed slightly at Natsume. "I hope you enjoyed your stay here."

Natsume gave a nod. "Will do," came his answer. Nobara glanced at Mikan as though to say, ' _Not much of a talker is he?_ ' All Mikan could do was shook her head and shrugged.

"I'm sorry I had to say this, but it's going to open soon. Unless you plan to eat here, I have to ask you to leave," Nobara apologetically replied, the regret in her voice enough to be both placating and persuading enough to have any customer leave without hard feelings.

She turned to Mikan. "Can you stay for a bit, Mikan-chan? I want to talk you for a while. Don't worry, it won't be long."

"Well…" Mikan turned to Natsume and true enough, Natsume understood.

"It's fine, I'll wait outside." With a nod at Mikan and Nobara-chan, he strode towards the front door, and the door opened and closed with a click. Nagi-chan looked disappointed that he didn't even look at her and hadn't bothered to greet her. Nobara lightly tapped Nagi-chan's shoulder, and she snapped out of her reverie. She gave Nagi a knowing look. Nagi appropriately stammered.

"I'll go back to the staff room to prepare everything!" she then dashed to said room, the sleeves of the yukata fluttering behind her like water. Both of them chuckled at Nagi-chan's cute antics.

Nobara after recovering herself, asked Mikan. "That man was from Tokyo, right? One of the people from back then?"

Mikan hummed in reply. "Yes. He wasn't lying when he said he came to visit me. I asked him to come."

Nobara's eyebrows flew upwards in surprise, hidden behind her bangs. "Really?" she asked. "You asked him to come here? Did you tell anyone else?"

"No," Mikan spoke then. "This is just a trial run. I want to see if I can talk with them again. He managed to contact me first and well," her gaze became hazy, looking at a distance Nobara couldn't see but could probably figure out. "Maybe it's time. It's been 5 years."

"Are you okay with this, Mikan-chan?" Nobara voiced out her worries. Mikan nodded. Nobara then smiled at Mikan and gave her a hug. Mikan snuggled into the embrace, appreciating the comfort and softness and warmth from the calming figure in front of her.

"That's good. You're healing then. I'm glad the therapy sessions are working."

"Me too, Nobara-chan. Me too."

* * *

When Mikan stepped out of the restaurant, Natsume rushed towards her side. "Done already?" he asked.

"Yup, let's go." She walked away from the store and Natsume followed, making sure to stay close at her side. Mikan asked, "Is there any other place you want to go?"

"Not really," he eventually answered after a pause. "Just pick wherever."

"Okay then," Mikan acquiesced. "How about a park near us? It's not anything like the Onshi Hakone Park, but it's peaceful."

"Sure." Natsume looked like he wanted to ask her something after that, and curious Mikan urged him. "What is it?"

"That woman just now, Nobara Serio," he started, repeating the name of the silver haired owner he had just met. "She was one of the people who helped you?"

"Yes," Mikan beamed. "She's something isn't she? She's great."

"She looks like a Yuki-Onna." Then, he shrugged, the movement almost as though it was exaggerated. "Well, at least she doesn't look like Yurei-Onna."

Hearing those unexpected words, from Natsume of all people, Mikan couldn't help it. She burst out laughing.

* * *

Mikan sat at the bench, shaded underneath the trees. The wind blew and Mikan savoured the feel and scent of fresh air. It was one of the nicest things in Hakone, this calm and peace and cold mountain breeze. It was what she yearned for back in Tokyo, what she had during her childhood, this serenity.

Natsume returned from the vending machine, in his hands there were two cans. He gave her one of them and, after thanking him, Mikan was humoured when she noticed it was the same brand of cocoa she shared with Natsume years ago. A slight feeling of deja vu hit her.

Natsume opened his can of coffee and drank it. Mikan carefully opened hers and sipped. They enjoyed their drink in companionable silence. Mikan missed this. If there was one thing she missed from back when she lived in Tokyo, it was someone to talk to. Aside from Nobara-chan and Dr. Ueda, Mikan didn't have anyone else. She wasn't close with anyone here. She never bothered to, still afraid to open her heart to anyone.

"So, what do you think, Natsume?"

"...It's nice here," Natsume sighed. He slouched slightly, and gazed at the people in front of them. There were others walking around the park, and children were abound, shrieking joyously.

"Say Polka, why did you answer me when I called you the other day?"

Mikan let out an exhale through her nose. "I never turned on my old phone when I ran. I kept it off. But that night, I got curious. I just got back from one of my therapy sessions. So I turned it on. I want to see if I was ready. But I wasn't."

She swayed her legs back and forth as she saw one of the girls playing on the swing. She was pushed by a man, probably her father. "I forgot to turn it off, and then you called. I thought it was from the phone I use now, so I answered."

"What was the therapy session about?"

"My doctor suggested I call one of you, and tell you guys I'm alright. She said it could help me get better. I told her I won't run if one of you managed to call me. I'm not going to break my promise."

"And that's why you called back?"

She nodded. Natsume frowned at Mikan. His hand gestured towards her. "So you're still…"

"Depressed?" Mikan finished his sentence with a weak smile. "Yes. I'm still insomniac too. So not only am I on antidepressants, I'm also on sleeping pills. 5 years of therapy, and I'm still not getting better. But you know what, Natsume?" She turned to look at him, determination in her eyes. "I want to get better."

Natsume stared back, and Mikan couldn't name or place that emotion in his eyes. It made her feel warm and tingly all over though.

"Alright, I'll help."

"Help?" Mikan echoed. "You don't have to, Natsume. You just had to talk to me, that's all. I can't ask for more than that."

"Who said you can't?" Natsume's words rumbled through her. "And what's with you? Accept my damn help and be grateful. It's not hard."

"But wouldn't it bother you?"

"Polka, how many times do I have to say this to get it through that head of yours?" he sighed, exasperated. He shook his head as though he couldn't believe her being like this. "I care about you, I'll help you like the Good Samaritan I am, and goddamnit, tell me if you need help. I'll come to you."

Slightly warmed and abashed at the blunt words, she hesitantly asked, "Are you sure?"

"Yes Polka, I'm as sure as you were when you picked white lace panties to wear today." Natsume leered at her. "Maybe I should stop calling you Polka now?"

Mikan squawked, embarrassed beyond belief that he _knew_ , because how and when, and just _how_? "You can't know that," Mikan stuttered. "This skirt is long! You pervert, there's no way you'd be able to know that!"

Natsume smirked, satisfied at her reaction. His hand shot out and he grabbed her handbag away from her ("Hey!") and fished out her current phone. He opened her phone with minimal difficulty and snort. "Didn't even bother putting a screen lock, do you?"

Mikan, indignant and still so, so _embarrassed_ , crossed her arms in protest and looked away. "Who else is going to go through my phone? It's not like there's anybody here brazen enough to try. You're the only person who's insensitive enough to open it."

"You're too trusting, Polka. Oh wait, it's Lacy now."

Cheeks flushed and head dizzy from the shame, Mikan warned him in a threatening manner. Or at least, she thought it was threatening. "Don't you dare call me that. I'll hit you Natsume, I swear I will. Just _watch_ me."

Natsume ignored that perfectly threatening sentence and continued tapping away at her phone. Seconds later, Mikan heard another phone ringing and Natsume took out his own smartphone, sleek in a plain black casing. He ended the call, tossed her handbag and her phone back at her, and Mikan scrambled to catch them.

She glared at Natsume, phone and handbag safely in her arms, and Natsume just blinked at her innocently. It was infuriating. "There," he declared. "I've saved my number in your phone, and now I have your current number. Your welcome."

"Thank you," she replied, words dripping with sarcasm. "You're _veeeery_ helpful."

Natsume chuckled and Mikan swiftly forgot why she was angry. Damn him. It's all just so _unfair_.

His expression turned serious after he finished. "I'm not joking. Call me if you need anything. I mean it."

Mikan felt her shoulders relaxing and found herself nodding. "Okay."

She didn't know if she could trust him, but she wanted to get better. And if letting Natsume into her life once again will help, Mikan supposed she can count on him. Then maybe, she'll have the strength to face everyone again.

* * *

It was time for Natsume to go back. Mikan was able to buy the train ticket for him before he could do anything, and Natsume reluctantly accepted. While they both waited outside the ticket scanner, Natsume suggested he visit her once a month.

Mikan was astounded that he was willing to go this far. "Once a month? That's too much!" Mikan protested. "If you really want to visit, just do it during the holidays. I won't run, Natsume. I'll still be here."

"Really? You won't move or anything?" he asked.

"I won't," she pouted. "I like it here. I won't leave. Just… if you're that worried, you can call me whenever you feel like it."

"The only time I'm free is in the morning or in the middle of the night," Natsume told her. "Unless you want to continue our late night chats after all?"

"That's fine," Mikan agreed. "It's not like I sleep much anyway."

Natsume frowned, reminded of her insomnia. She looked at the clock, and informed him, "The train's going to come soon. You should go now."

He secured his bag to his side and turned to her, the same unreadable expression from the park, the one that made her all warm and fuzzy was back. Out of the blue, he reached out towards her and pulled her in his arms, and Mikan froze at the sheer warmth and solid feel of the body pressed towards her.

Mikan had the idle thought that they probably looked like lovers to others around them and her mind blanked.

Natsume hugged her tightly. "Call me, anytime," he whispered, hands lightly caressing her hair before he slowly let her go. "Bye," he said and off he went.

She waved mechanically back at Natsume, wondering what just happened. It was only when Natsume was out of her sight that she finally realized her heart beating in her ears.

It was loud.

* * *

Mikan slowly recollected herself as she went back home. She remembered changing and bathing and slipping into bed but not much else. She wondered why Natsume hugged her.

It was probably just a friendly goodbye hug. Friends had that, right? Friends hug each other sometimes when they say goodbye. Yeah, it's probably that. Mikan's surprised Natsume was so touchy-feely, but it's just him being friendly and reassuring towards a friend in need.

Probably.

The next morning when Mikan woke up to the first rays of the sun on her face, there was a new message on her current phone. It was from Natsume.

* * *

 **From: Natsume**

yo.

* * *

Mikan smiled and typed back.

* * *

 **To: Natsume**

Hey ヾ(＾∇＾)

Good morning.

* * *

 **GLOSSARY**

 _Onshi Hakone Park_ : Popular tourist attraction.

 _Yuki-Onna_ : Snow woman

 _Yurei-Onna_ : Ghost woman/Spirit woman

 _Izakaya_ : A type of Japanese bar. A favourite for people after they finished working or just needed a place to hang out.

* * *

A.N: So, no cliffy or anything. Are you satisfied people? This chapter is 5.5 k words long. Are you happy?

You know, while I was typing the park scene, instead of writing, "In his hands there were two cans," I wrote, "In his hands there were toucans." What a nice mental image. The problems of a non-native English speaker. As always errors will be fixed later. Thanks for reading.


	11. Chapter 8: Rest & Visit

**A.N: Late update and short chapter. I'm sorry. But I can promise the next chapter is going to be a long one.**

* * *

 **CHAPTER 8: REST AND VISIT  
**

* * *

"It's been three months since you have contacted your old acquaintance. How does it feel, to be able to talk with them again?"

It was another therapy session with Dr. Ueda. When Mikan told her about her correspondence with Natsume a few days after his visit, Dr. Ueda has shown nothing but approval.

" _It's a great step,_ " she had said that day, in that same white room in the hospital, " _to be able to go forward. You were very brave. I'm glad you are willing to take initiative in this. It means you are healing_."

Mikan hummed for a while, thinking of how to answer that question.

These past few month talking with Natsume were great. Mikan had never thought it could be like this. He had been considerate, calling her at least 3 times a week, and then they would talk for long hours throughout the night. Mikan had forgotten just how wonderful it feels, to be able to just converse so naturally with someone.

Mikan didn't know if she was feeling any better. She's still on sleeping pills and antidepressants, still had odd bouts of anxiety and strange dreams every few nights, but Mikan noticed they weren't as frequent as they used to be, so maybe it was good?

"It's nice," she eventually said, the simple answer seemed as though it fit. She can't quite describe it, but all of it did feel very pleasant. "I like it a lot, I never realized just how much I missed him."

"How about your other friends?"

"I miss them too, but… no," she suddenly let out a nervous laugh. "I don't think I'm ready. Not yet, anyway."

Dr. Ueda jotted down something in her leather notebook and glanced at Mikan. "Your old phone, you've turned it on a few times ever since your call. Have you finally taken a look at the messages they have left behind?"

Mikan shook her head. "No, I haven't. Natsume's messages were the only ones I've read. I don't think I can handle reading the rest."

"What about the voice mails?"

"Also the same. I've only heard Natsume's."

Dr. Ueda gave out a hum. It sound neutral. "I see. Are you not curious at all about them?"

Mikan fidgeted in her seat, rubbing the skin of her palm anxiously. "I am," she admitted. "But, in all honesty, I can kinda figure out what they are going to say. Natsume told me a lot about their reactions too. I'll read them later, when I think I'm ready to call them?" she hesitantly replied, unsure of her words.

Dr Ueda's eyebrows flew upwards in surprise. "So you do plan on informing them?"

Mikan nodded. "Yes. I've been thinking a lot lately, and I don't think it's a good idea to keep them in the dark. You never know what's going to happen. It'll be bad if they accidentally discover me here and the things that will probably happen if they don't know anything. So I'm going to take things at my own pace. I won't call them altogether. I'll just call them gradually one by one, starting from the people who I don't have a lot of issues with."

Yes, now that she voiced that out, that plan does seem like it would work. She could definitely see herself doing it in the near future. She would reach out to Anna and Nonoko and Inchou first, then slowly call Koko, then Sumire, and after that Ruka and Hotaru, and finally her family.

Mikan stared at Dr. Ueda with thoughtful eyes. "I think that's the best way for me right now."

Dr Ueda nodded and smiled in approval. "If you think that is best for you, then you should proceed with your plan."

Mikan smiled back at the female doctor, who had helped her the whole way. "Thank you."

"Is there anything else do you wish to discuss? Anything that troubles you?" Dr Ueda continued.

Upon that question, Mikan tried to recall back whatever it was that she had thought of during nights when insomnia plagued her. Then, Mikan remembered. Everything was going well, she could feel herself slowly growing confidence, but there's still one thing that bothered her. Something Dr Ueda had touched on months ago, but Mikan had only briefly thought about.

"Dr Ueda, do you remember, when you told me that I have to learn to love myself before having others accept me? What do you mean by that?"

The doctor smiled. It reminded Mikan of the Cheshire Cat from Alice in Wonderland. The doctor leaned forward and placed her chin on her knuckles, her elbows on the table. "Do you want to know what it means to love yourself?" she asked.

Mikan nodded. The doctor's smile widened even more. "Then I want you to have a completely free day to yourself. No work and no friends to bother you. A day just for you. Do whatever you want on that day."

The puzzlement was eating her. "A day to myself?" she parroted. "I don't do anything on my free days. I just stay at home and clean the apartment and watch shows on my laptop. What am I supposed to do?"

"Plan the day before that," Dr. Ueda answered easily. "Make a list of things you don't usually do or things you don't allow yourself to do. For instance, you have always been frugal yes?" At Mikan's nod, she continued, "Then I want you to splurge. Buy a cute outfit for yourself, spend some time at the _onsen_ , learn to put make up on, whatever you usually don't do. Try a little bit of everything.

"I'll answer your questions in our next session after you've done what I've told you," the doctor finished.

Mikan frowned. "That… doesn't sound like self love."

"Do you want me to suggest naked standing in front of a mirror and masturbating instead?" the doctor shamelessly retorted. Mikan choked on her own spit, cheeks and ears flushed with blood. Dr Ueda laughed humorously, very amused by her reaction.

Mikan definitely did not expect the female to have such… _bold_ humour.

"Just try it. I promise that you at the very least will not regret it," the female doctor reassured, after her chuckling stopped. Mikan was uncertain about it, but well…

It wouldn't hurt to try. Mikan always saw the appeal to having a day entirely for yourself. It just didn't work on her before because during those days, she ended up feeling more lonely and pathetic than usual. But no harm trying new stuff out.

The familiar sound of the timer rang, signaling that their time is up. Dr Ueda closed her leather book, and settled back into her smart looking chair. "I'm glad to see these changes. They are positive ones. So, would you like to reduce your dosage of daily antidepressants?" the doctor suggested.

"Reduce them?"

"Yes. As you know, antidepressants are not supposed to be taken for long term. The same goes for sleeping pills. The fact that you have taken them for 5 years without stopping is somehow worrying. However, you have not shown any obvious signs of addiction towards both the sleeping pills and the antidepressants. Now that you are slowly showing signs of recovery, would you like to be completely off of them?"

Mikan considered that for a bit. When she had first take the antidepressants, she remembered just how much she hated them and how miserable she was. She knew that taking them would help, but those pills felt too much like a humongous neon sign blaring, 'You are depressed!' to her. Saying she's depressed was easy, but the pills felt like a horrible acknowledgement that something was wrong with her.

Over time, she had grown used to them. Taking them was more of a routine for her now. It didn't make her feel any better about taking it, but she can handle it.

However, maybe now she doesn't have to…

"...Yes," Mikan agreed. "I guess I should. Wouldn't do any harm trying."

Dr. Ueda then took out a paper with small black words printed on them and handed the paper to Mikan. She took it and as she looked it over, she realized it was notes and a suggestion to change her prescription.

"Very well. If you do plan to reduce your intake, follow these instructions. Your body now has become accustomed to the pills, so we should slowly change that. Immediately stopping your intake could cause many problems for you and we don't want that. Make sure to only take sleeping pills if you truly think you are unable to sleep. That would be all for today."

"Thank you, Dr. Ueda."

* * *

At first, it was alright. Mikan didn't notice anything. She went on with her life like usual. But after a few days, she noticed how at the end of the day, she felt heavy. And not the physical kind either.

She hadn't felt this since she started living here. It felt unpleasantly familiar.

Mikan found her hands shaking at odd times during the day, and having unexpectedly dark thoughts in the middle of her work. It was more prominent at night when she was alone.

Sometimes she felt like running, especially every time the restaurant's front door rang, because she suddenly thought, " _What if it's my family and friends?_ ". Whenever she heard customers talking in Tokyo accent, she would think, " _What if those people knew them? Could they tell who I am?_ ". And when she walked along the streets buying groceries or walking home, she just want to hurry up because, " _What if people recognize me?_ "

It's particularly disturbing for her, because she never thought of these things before. But maybe that was her medication doing the trick. Now that she's slowly reducing her dosage, those thoughts sprung up in her mind like mushrooms after heavy rain.

' _Take this at your own pace,_ ' Mikan chanted whenever she felt like taking those antidepressants again, whenever her nightmares came up and woke her, whenever she felt like running, whenever she felt like having bouts of anxiety, whenever she had the urge to just _run_.

' _Take this at your own pace._ '

* * *

"You'll be coming here for summer vacation?" Mikan asked, her phone on loudspeaker on the table as she folded her fresh laundry.

" _Yeah_ ," Natsume replied. " _It's for my paper. But it's mostly going to be a holiday. It's easy, really. I just have to go to Hakone and observe._ "

"I see. Where will you be staying?" Mikan asked curious. "Because if you're planning to crash at my place, I'll warn you: it's a bit small for two people."

" _No, Polka,_ " Natsume said. Mikan could just _feel_ that he was restraining himself from teasing her then, his amusement filtered through the phone's speaker. " _I'll be staying at Himemiya for two weeks._ "

"HIMEMIYA?" she shouted. "And for two weeks? That's expensive!"

Himemiya is an _onsen ryokan_ famous for its' hot springs and service. From what Nobara-chan and the locals told her, Himemiya is one of the best in Hakone. But it also means that they are costly. The price for a single room a night had made Mikan blanch.

" _Don't worry, it's fine,_ " Natsume waved her off. " _It was for Kaa-san and Koizumi, but something came up and they can't come. They've already paid for their reservations and they thought it was a waste, so they gave it to me. All I have to do is buy train tickets. Wasn't a bad deal._ "

"I-I see…" Mikan nervously replied. Thank goodness something came up because if she were to meet Auntie Kaoru and Koizumi-san all of a sudden… she shuddered.

"I'll come meet you at the train station, then!" Mikan decided. She shouldn't think about sudden meetings, it made her anxiety flare up. "When will you arrive here?"

" _Probably by 12 in the afternoon._ "

"Alright! Can't wait to see you again. Good night, Natsume."

" _Night._ "

* * *

Mikan woke up in the morning with her heart thumping rapidly. Her dreams were hazy, and Mikan can't remember them. It was a bad start.

She ignored it, and cheered herself up with some ice cream that morning. It wasn't good to be gloomy and moody. Natsume was coming. She can't show him a bad face, it'll make him worry. And a worried Natsume is an uncompromising Natsume.

When she walked to the train station, the heavy feeling of foreboding continued to suffocate her. She squashed everything down and tried to be her normal self. It's just the medicine, that's all. Nothing to worry about. She didn't have to run or hide. It's just Natsume. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine.

As she waited, the feeling intensified and she hated it. But it's alright. It's fine.

Her phone chimed, snapping her out of her dark daze. She opened her phone and it was a message from Natsume.

* * *

 **From: Natsume**

i'm here.

* * *

Mikan let out a sigh she didn't know she was holding back. She went in front of the train station and lo and behold, there he was, still as tall and dark as ever. His head turned from side to side, obviously looking for her. And when he finally caught sight of her, she waved enthusiastically.

"Hey!"

There was a rare almost-smile gracing his face. He walked towards her, bag slung over his shoulders. He opened his mouth, but before any words could come out of it, both of them heard a voice that made them both freeze.

"Ahh! Onii-chan!"

The heavy foreboding feeling came back with a vengeance and Mikan could feel herself rapidly panicking as the figure of a petite raven haired girl with eyes like embers (the same eyes as Natsume, just no, no, _no_ ). Natsume's eyes widened in shock as the little girl, his sister, Aoi-chan (she's grown so much, she's so healthy now) came to them and she could see Aoi slowing down her steps as she took in the woman in front of her brother.

"Mikan-neechan?"

* * *

A.N: Short chapter, late update and cliffhanger? Ahh I'm mean. I'm sorry. I swear it wasn't meant to be this late. As usual, errors later will be fixed. Thanks for reading.


	12. Chapter 9: Summer Nights & Dreams

A.N: The latest and longest update for this fic. I'm sorry it's so late. And I've promised it's going to be a long one so here you go!

 **2nd Edit: 4/9/2018**

* * *

 **CHAPTER 9: SUMMER NIGHTS AND DREAMS**

* * *

As Mikan looked unblinkingly in aghast at the young girl in front of her, Natsume snapped, "Aoi! What the hell! I told you not to come, didn't I?"

He strode towards the little girl whose face slowly morphed into a wide grin the more she stared at Mikan. When Natsume finally stood in front of her, she pouted cutely and crossed her arms in rebellion.

"But Onii-chan, it's not fair! I told you I want to come too. I want to come to Hakone and eat hot spring eggs and bathe in _onsens_ and go sight seeing too!" she whined. "Besides, I didn't know you came to see Mikan-neechan. I want to see her too!"

Almost as though she did in retaliation, she ran to Mikan and threw her skinny arms around Mikan's waist in a hug. Mikan's hands automatically went to Aoi's shoulders to steady herself because the way Aoi jumped into her arms would've toppled her. The raven haired girl was not as light as she was 5 years ago. Aoi snuggled into her chest affectionately and Mikan hoped the little girl wouldn't be able to hear her rapidly beating heart.

"Mikan-neechan," Aoi-chan almost reverently whispered and Mikan could feel the start of a panic attack coming. "Where have you been? Why didn't you tell anyone you're okay? I'm so happy to see you." Aoi loosened her hug and moved her head to look at Mikan better. Mikan felt like those innocent eyes could see into her core.

Suddenly, Aoi was snatched away from her arms and Mikan blankly stared at Natsume's furious (and worried?) expression as he gripped at his little sister's shoulders, who dared to follow him all the way to Hakone despite apparently being told not to come. Seeing the way Aoi's frightened eyes look when Natsume scowled at her in displeasure and anger, Mikan didn't realize the words coming out of her until she finally said it.

"It's fine, Natsume." Mikan said. "She didn't mean any harm. You shouldn't be so angry. I don't mind."

Natsume pursed his lips in disagreement at her statement. He looked at her as if to say, ' _Really?_ '. Aoi's eyes lightened in happiness, however, in contrast with her brother's reaction. "See Onii-chan, it's fine. I didn't hurt anyone. I can stay right?"

Natsume observed Mikan's resigned and helpless expression before letting out a loud sigh. "…Fine."

"Yay!" Aoi clapped her hands in excitement. She snaked her hands around Mikan's arm and tugged. "Come on, Mikan-neechan. Let's go! Do you know any good places we can eat?"

Mikan automatically smiled back, her heartbeat calmed enough for her to put on her usual smiley mask. This was nostalgic. As she led the way, she could feel Natsume's concerned eyes burning a hole in her face as Aoi ranted and chatted along the way.

* * *

They went to Red Clover, a diner Mikan knew served good food and yet could offer enough privacy due to its separated partitions. The only people who could have an idea of what's going on should anything happen would be the waiter and the people in the partition.

When Mikan sat down, Aoi immediately took the seat beside her, her hands still latched on to Mikan's arm like an overeager Venus flytrap. Natsume reluctantly took the seat opposite of them. Mikan pressed a buzzer on the table and the waiter came with the menu. Then with a neutral, probably often repeated "Take your time," and a cordial bow, he left them be.

Mikan didn't open the menu, already knowing what to order. She just observed Aoi as she excitedly looked through the delicious food listed in it, her legs swaying back and forth underneath the table. Natsume alternated between browsing through the menu and glancing at both of them anxiously.

"Ne, ne, Mikan-neechan. I want this one!" Aoi finally decided, placing the menu on the table in front of Mikan and pointed to a set Mikan figured was popular with young girls. Mikan nodded complacently at Aoi and turned to Natsume. "Are you done, too? Natsume?"

Natsume nodded. Mikan pressed the buzzer again, and the waiter came. Mikan voiced out their orders, and once again, the three of them were left alone.

Aoi was vibrating with obvious joy, her smile as brilliant as a thousand suns as she hugged Mikan again, this time it was tighter than before, as though she poured all her strength into the one hug.

"Mikan-neechan, I've missed you so, so, so much!" Aoi exclaimed happily. "How are you? Why didn't you tell anyone you're here? We looked _eeeeverywhere_ for you." Her eyes shone brightly as she gazed at Mikan adoringly. Mikan tried to control herself from nervously fidgeting in her seat.

Aoi-chan had always liked her ever since she was little. Mikan had seen Aoi-chan as a cute little girl who she could have treated as though Aoi was her own sister. Aoi also had immediately latched on to her the moment she first saw Mikan when she was young, back when Mikan and Natsume just knew each other. Mikan had somehow hoped, that as she grew up, the worship would decrease slightly.

It seemed like that's unlikely.

"Aoi-chan," Mikan began, unsure if what she's doing was good in this situation, but unable to say no to those precious red eyes. "A lot of things happened back then. And I got in a bit of trouble. So I went here, so that I could get better."

"Oh," Aoi-chan whispered. "But, why didn't you tell anyone you're here? Even Yuka-obaasan didn't know about you!"

"A lot of things happened," Mikan repeated. "I don't want to go into details, but things were bad back then, and I don't want to meet people. I'm not ready for them either. Natsume," she gestured towards said young man who was silently watching them, ready to intervene should things get out of hand, "managed to find me here. I asked him not to tell anyone about me."

"Is that why you didn't tell me about Mikan-neechan, Onii-chan?"

Natsume nodded at her question. "It's not my place to tell people."

Aoi slowly became more subdued. "But I want to help Mikan-neechan too," she quietly whispered. "And besides, if you have problems, wouldn't it be better to have more people help you? Shouldn't everyone back home know about you, so that they can help too?"

"No," Mikan gently but firmly replied. Aoi needed to understand that having more people here would make things worse. "Not now. They won't help me. They're always concerned about me, but they won't help. Not when they have their own problems to deal with."

Aoi looked stricken at her words. "But-"

Mikan placed a gentle hand on Aoi's head, patting it like she had seen Natsume did whenever he needed to deal with Aoi. "Of course, I'll tell everyone about this. But not now. It's not the right time. So," Mikan leaned forwards towards Aoi, "Can you keep me being here a secret? Just until everything is sorted out?"

Aoi sniffed lightly, both despondent and saddened. Nevertheless, she nodded. "Okay," she said. "I promise. But you have to have me help you too. I want to help." Her eyes burned with determination, the same kind of determination that she had seen in Natsume when he had promised her the same thing.

Mikan loved the Hyuugas. Who wouldn't, when all of them are such lovely people?

She looked at Natsume who had a soft yet exasperated look. He shrugged and looked at her as if to say, ' _Well, what can you do?_ '

Mikan giggled. "Okay then. Thank you, Aoi-chan. I'll be counting on you."

Aoi beamed in delight. "Mmm!"

* * *

After they ate, Mikan brought them to Himemiya, where Natsume had to explain that he would be bringing an extra guest along. Undaunted by it, the staff merely agreed and led them to their room. The staff welcomed them warmly, and Aoi looked like she was just seconds away from trying out the private baths offered. Mikan would be too. An _onsen ryokan_ like Himemiya would have an amazing _onsen_ , whether it was a private or public bath.

After being guided to their rooms, Aoi immediately threw her bag on the fragrant tatami and pulled out her towels. "I'm going to go on ahead and try the _onsen_. Bye!" she loudly announced as she dashed towards the baths.

Natsume just placed his bag on the floor and turned to Mikan. Before she could leave, Natsume told her, "For three days, I won't be available. I had to work on my paper first. So, could you bring Aoi somewhere for sightseeing? She'll just be whining and bothering me if she stays in the room."

"I don't mind," Mikan replied. Then, curiosity finally pushing her, she asked, "Did Aoi come here without Auntie Kaoru's permission? It didn't seem like you knew she would be here."

"I didn't," he replied, slightly irritated at the reminder. "And Aoi didn't tell Kaa-san either. I had to call Kaa-san and tell her Aoi would be staying with me for two weeks after all. You should have heard her when she blasted Aoi off for going alone."

"Well, that is a given. Aoi-chan is her only daughter. And she's young too. Of course she would be worried."

"Aoi should have known better than to come here," Natsume muttered. "We're lucky she likes you so much she's listening to you. Kami-sama knows she definitely doesn't listen to me or Kaa-san."

"Aoi-chan is at that age," Mikan easily replied, amused at how much this bothered him. Now that the worst has passed, Mikan's not as anxious as she was earlier that day. "Don't tell me you don't how it felt like. You were like that too when you were her age."

Natsume grunted. "Doesn't mean I have to like it." His expression turned serious as he looked at Mikan. His worried look was back. "More importantly, are you okay with this?"

Her shoulders relaxed by an infinitesimal amount, and she laced both of her hands over her heart. Her hands were still sweaty from the anxiety earlier and her whole body still had the faint electric feel of adrenaline coursing through, but her heartbeat had settled down when they ate earlier. She was still worried, but she didn't feel the onset of a panic attack happening anytime soon.

"It did took me by surprise," she admitted. "But this is alright. Aoi-chan is a good girl. With her, I think… well, it can't be that bad, right? I should be alright." She lifted her head and pushed Natsume at his shoulders lightly.

"Go. You and Aoi must be tired from the journey. You shouldn't miss out on enjoying Himemiya's famous baths. And I've heard their food is really good too! Ahh," Mikan sighed, slightly fantasizing about Himemiya's private baths, because dang, she wanted to try it too. "I'm so jealous!"

"Fine," Natsume said. "If there's anything else, I'll call you."

"Sure. Bye Natsume. Enjoy your bath!"

* * *

At night, she was browsing through the art gallery of her favourite Pixiv artist when her phone rang. When she looked at her screen, it was from an unknown caller. Curious, she answered, "Yes?"

" _Mikan-neechan!_ " Aoi's familiar voice came out from the speaker. " _It's Aoi. Good evening._ "

"Good evening," she greeted. "What is it, Aoi-chan?"

" _Onii-chan said I'll be going out with you!_ " she squealed. " _I can't wait. So, so, where are we going? Do you have anywhere you can take me?_ "

"Well Aoi-chan," Mikan began. She was happy that Aoi was this antsy about it. "I was going to ask you if there are any places you want to go. If there's none, I can pick. So, is there anything you want to do?"

" _Shopping_!" Aoi-chan immediately chirped.

Mikan could feel her brows flying upwards in surprise. "Well, that's fine," she amicably replied.

" _Is it no good?_ " Aoi timidly asked, and Mikan immediately hated how hesitant Aoi sounded.

"Oh no," Mikan placated her. Hakone had a place to go shopping, but it's rather limited. It definitely can't compete with the vast number of stores or shopping complexes in Tokyo. People would come to Hakone for recreational tourism or to simply relax, not to shop. "It's just, when it comes to shopping, Tokyo would be perfect. You have Shibuya and Harajuku there. So, shopping here in Hakone is a bit…"

" _I know it sounds weird. But really, I think it would be best if all of us can go. Onii-chan can't come, so it wouldn't be as fun. Besides…_ " Aoi-chan turned quiet, as though deciding if she should continue.

Mikan urged her, nevertheless. "Besides?"

" _I always went shopping with Kaa-chan, but I never shop with anyone else_ ," Aoi-chan admitted. " _And Kaa-chan's always busy, so it's rare for us to go shopping. And I'm not close with my classmates, so I never went out with them. So, I thought, 'It would be nice, if I could go with Mikan-neechan.' But, it really is no good is it?_ " Aoi finished, and Mikan could just imagine her pouty lips turning downwards.

Mikan remembered back then, when there was barely anyone she could go out with. Everyone was so busy, and the people she could have went shopping with usually had some other plans whenever she asked them. Mikan understood.

And as long as Aoi-chan's here, she would never make her feel the same way that she did.

"All right, then. Shopping it is. I think the nearest city had this amazing shopping district we could go to. There's also this very trendy store that just opened there as well. We can go there by train. It's just a few minutes."

" _Really?_ " Aoi asked, and she sounded as though she had perked up from Mikan's words. " _We can really go shopping? I can go with you?_ "

"Of course. I'll wait for you outside of Himemiya tomorrow. Then we can go together." Mikan said, and she could no longer avoid smiling at Aoi's enthusiasm. It would be the first time in a long while since she had ever went with anyone else, so used to shopping alone or merely browsing through the online directories in websites. It would be something new for both of them, and Mikan hoped they both could find enjoyment in this.

" _Yay!_ "

* * *

Mikan went out the next day, in one of the nicer, rarely worn outfits she had. It was a simple, airy white dress with a thin belt around the waist. A pair of leather sandals, a flowery charm bracelet and a simple gold pendant completed her look. Her hair was in a loose side braid. She even put on some tinted lip balm and light blush.

She admit, this was not something she would wear on a regular basis, preferring to wear something comfortable over something stylish. But for Aoi-chan, she could put in a little effort. Besides, she bought this outfit on a whim when she saw it in one of the fashion websites, and she had never worn it, despite liking the look. There wasn't any occasion in which she could wear it.

A shopping spree would probably be a good place to wear this, right?

When Aoi saw her, she cooed and fawned over it. "Waahh, Mikan-neechan. You look so pretty!"

"Thank you. You look cute too, Aoi-chan."

Aoi had opted to wear a pink blouse and denim shorts with sneakers. It looked cute on her. But Mikan thinks Aoi looked cute in anything.

Aoi turned around and faced Natsume, who had escorted her from their room, trailing behind her like an overprotective bodyguard. "You think Mikan-neechan looks cute too right Onii-chan?" Aoi asked. Oddly enough, she almost sounded sly. Mikan somehow had a new impression of Aoi, picturing her as a bit of a troublemaker. She certainly sound like one in that moment.

Natsume looked distracted, staring down at his shoes as though he was deep in thought, but hearing Aoi calling him, his head snapped up and he laid eyes on Mikan. He froze. And his eyes narrowed at her, as though he saw something he didn't like.

Mikan fidgeted under the intense look she was subjected to. "What is it?" she asked uneasily. "Is there something wrong?" Not for the first time since she stepped out of her apartment, Mikan wondered if she should have worn something simpler after all.

"Onii-chan?" Aoi asked, the sly tone in her voice made Mikan more uneasy. What is going on with these two?

Natsume blinked. He then looked to the side. He looked winded up. "It's so-so."

Mikan sighed. She should have known Natsume would never compliment her. In fact, she could count on one hand the number of times she's heard Natsume compliment someone.

Aoi, on the other hand, looked gleeful. "You're never honest, are you Onii-chan." It sounded like a statement, but the way Aoi said it made Mikan wonder if there was any hidden meaning behind it that Mikan wasn't privy to.

Natsume stubbornly kept quiet, refusing to ever deign Aoi with a response. Undeterred and unaffected by the cold shoulder she received, Aoi reached out to Mikan and held her hand in Aoi's small ones. "Let's leave him be, Mikan-neechan. He's jealous he can't come with us. ("Who said I'm jealous?" Natsume muttered under his breath.) Let's go!"

Mikan nodded. "Bye Natsume. I'll keep her safe. Good luck with your paper," she said. Natsume closed his eyes and turned around, heading back inside. He gave a slight wave at them. Mikan looked down at her outfit.

"Is it really that bad? Should I change after all?" Mikan asked. Natsume could barely look at her since he first saw her. Maybe she should change.

Aoi's grin grew wider, so wide it almost split her face in two. "It's fine. Onii-chan's just worried about what other people are going to do."

"Other people?"

"It's fine, it's fine," Aoi reassured. "I'll protect you from everyone, Mikan-neechan."

"But, I don't need protecting," Mikan stated, confused at her statement. Protect her from other people? What are they going to do? It's not like both of them are going to do anything that warrants bad attention from their surroundings. Aoi simply sighed, sounding exasperated. Mikan tilted her head, wondering at what that reaction was supposed to entail.

"Never mind, Mikan-neechan. Come on, let's goooo." Aoi whined. Mikan laughed and holding Aoi's hand firmly in hers, they went to the train station.

* * *

 _This is actually pretty nice_ , Mikan thought. She's nodding and laughing along with Aoi telling her stories about her classmates as they browsed through the items on the hanger.

The moment they arrived, they went to the first clothing store they saw. They browsed through dress after dress, marveling at the ones on display and sometimes cringing at the prices of the clothing. They tried on clothes, bought some that they really liked, and all the while they talked about whatever Aoi brought up. They were all very safe subjects, topics that a regular young girl would think about; manga, fashion, TV shows, friends, romance, the usual.

Mikan didn't have much experience in most of them, but she could recall from the conversations she had with part timers from the restaurant, most of which are in high school. It was easy to talk about, nowhere near anxiety causing or panic attack inducing. Talking like this was almost relaxing, despite how exhausting shopping can be.

"Say, Mikan-neechan, do you think Onii-chan will ever start dating?" Aoi asked, her eyes peering at her from behind the flimsy blouse in her hand.

To say that Mikan wasn't taken aback was a lie. "Wh-why would you ask that, Aoi-chan?"

"Because," Aoi-chan pouted, "Onii-chan never dated anyone. He never said if he liked anyone. And if any girl came to him, he just ignored them!"

"And why is it important that Natsume had a girlfriend?"

"Because I want to have a sister-in-law someday!" Aoi shouted; clearly she's been withholding this thought for quite some time. People in the store gave them irritated and curious looks at the outburst, and Mikan smiled apologetically at them.

Aoi had the decency to look bashful. Mikan wasn't angry though, she won't reprimand Aoi for it.

"Sister-in-law?" she asked.

Aoi nodded. "I want to have a sister-in-law, so that I could have somebody to talk to," she confessed. "I want to have somebody new in the family, and I want to have nieces and nephews too!"

"Shouldn't we just leave this to Natsume, though?" she told Aoi. "Sooner or later, he's bound to be interested in someone. And even if there's nobody he likes, there's always _omiai_. Natsume's pretty popular. He would have no problem finding a girlfriend."

"He's already receiving _omiai_. There's a lot of them back home. Onii-chan doesn't even open them, or when he's feeling really vindictive, he burns them," Aoi-chan sighed tiredly.

"Then just leave it to Natsume. Just see what he'll do," Mikan suggested.

Aoi let out a sound, neither agreeing or disagreeing. Then, she leaned into Mikan's space, and whispered in her ear, "I think Onii-chan already found someone he likes."

"Ohh!" Mikan gasped. This was a surprise. That's great then. "What made you think that?"

"Sometimes, I see him calling somebody in the middle of the night," Aoi continued to whisper, as though afraid her Onii-chan is going to pop out any moment in the store. "At first, I think he's just talking with his friends. But whenever this person calls, he smiles. And _laugh_ too!" Her eyebrows creased in thought. "Onii-chan never laughs or smile like _that_ with anyone."

"Like that?"

"Like-like when people are in love. Like the way you see actors in dramas whenever they talk to their love interest, or when people talk to their boyfriends and girlfriends. You know, like _that_."

Mikan could feel her curiosity grew. "It must be somebody really special then."

"Yup. And I think I know who that person is." Aoi declared. She pointed look at Mikan, her eyes roaming up and down her figure in approval.

The way Aoi acted, it's as though she's implying it's Mikan. But that's impossible. Natsume had so many others vying for his attention. It can't be her. But still…

Natsume, falling for someone? Or at the very least, interested with someone? That's a thought.

"Do you like this person then?" Mikan inquired.

"I love her. I really, really want her as my sister-in-law." Aoi's gaze on her grew sharper. Mikan wondered what it was Aoi's trying to convey. But she's not saying anything else. Mikan shrugged it off. She'll probably tell Mikan later.

"Then, that's great. You'll just have to wait until Natsume makes his move."

Aoi groaned like a hippo in pain. She smacked her hand on her forehead in what looked like disbelief. She then deflated and quietly replied. "Okay."

* * *

When they were done with their shopping spree, Mikan decided it was time to go back. Her cheeks were flushed from the excursion, and her hands were weighty with their purchases. Mikan didn't buy much, but there were a few that caught her eye. And Dr. Ueda did mention trying out a shopping spree. Mikan suppose this could count as one. She didn't go alone, but this definitely made her loosen up a bit. It was fun, despite how tired she was at the end. She still couldn't see how a shopping spree had anything to do with self love though.

As they waited for their train to arrive, Mikan saw a poster that caught her eye. It was a poster for a fireworks festival just a few days away, which would be held near the city. Aoi saw Mikan looking at it, and as she read it, her eyes turned starry.

"Let's go there, Mikan-neechan. We can go with Onii-chan."

"Okay," Mikan agreed. She took out her phone and snapped a picture, sending it to Nobara-chan. Nobara-chan would love fireworks and she could bring Youichi and Rei with her too. It would be nice to have everyone go.

"Are you inviting your friends?" Aoi asked.

"Yes. It would be great if they would come too. I'll introduce you to them."

Aoi nodded. She was just happy at the idea of a festival. She smiled brightly at Mikan. She pat Aoi on the head and their train finally came. They boarded it and off they go.

* * *

After Mikan accompanied Aoi back to Himemiya, she received a call from Natsume a few minutes after Aoi was safely returned back to their room.

" _How was it?_ " Natsume asked.

"It was fine. Both of us enjoyed it." Mikan was on her way to her apartment. The streets were becoming more crowded and the lights flickered on. Mikan was always comforted by the noise, which was why she was brave enough to walk home alone sometimes. Nobody would dare make any trouble with so many people in such a bright place.

" _There weren't any trouble?_ "

"There weren't. Everything was smooth sailing."

Natsume grew quiet. "What is it, Natsume?" she asked.

" _It's- hah,_ " Natsume sighed. It sounded like he was bothered about something. " _It's nothing. I'm thinking too much._ "

"If you say so, Natsume." Then she asked, "What's with you this morning? Was the outfit I wore really that ugly to you?"

Mikan was still thinking about Natsume's odd reaction. Because, really, what was that? Mikan thought she looked fine. She even noticed some people at the train and at the shopping district looking at her appreciatively, and one female stranger even complimented her when she and Aoi was at an accessory store. Overall, it wasn't bad. Mikan didn't think she looked awful.

" _It's not the outfit_ ," Natsume said. " _It's the fact that you are too oblivious for your own good_."

"Oblivious?" Mikan innocently echoed. What should she be cautious of? What should she be aware of? Why aren't Aoi and Natsume telling her anything?

" _My point exactly,_ " Natsume replied, and Mikan could just imagine that smug look on his face when he said that.

"Whatever," Mikan said, unable to hide her irritation. It's not like they would say anything.

Natsume chuckled. " _Stay on the phone would you? At least until you get back._ "

"Why?"

" _Humour me,_ " Natsume said, his voice light.

Mikan wanted to say no, but hearing him sounding so agreeable and calm, Mikan found herself acquiescing to it. "Alright."

The walk home was safe, and she was accompanied by their conversation. Mikan wasn't bothered at all. If she bothered to look around, she would notice people staring and admiring at the beautiful brunette in white smiling serenely as she talked to the person at the end of her phone. She would have noticed the awestruck and spellbound look at the people's faces when they saw their resident untouchable brunette laughing carelessly as she walked. In fact, if she bothered to look at all, she would have noticed people staring at her for the entire day.

But alas, she didn't notice. Mikan remained ignorant in bliss.

* * *

The next two days she spent with Aoi, both of them hung out at Mikan's apartment. They did a little bit of everything, from Mikan teaching Aoi how to cook simple dishes, to Aoi showing Mikan all the popular dramas currently airing. It felt domestic. Mikan thought, just for a while, that if she ever had a normal family, that if she wasn't depressed, if she didn't leave, this is what she would have had.

When Mikan and Aoi were both watching a drama, there comes a scene in which the male protagonist had a reunion with his long lost twin brother, whom he believed had died in car crash. It was all very stereotypical, very cliche. But it didn't make it any less enjoyable to watch.

During the commercial break, Aoi quietly asked, "Don't you miss your family?"

"...I do. I think of them sometimes."

"Then why won't you tell them anything?" Aoi demanded, turning her pleading eyes at Mikan. "Miyuki and Mizuki both ask me sometimes about you. They don't even know how you're like. All they know is how you look like. They don't know their own sister. Yuka-obaasan and Shiki-ojisan, they both don't show it but sometimes, I can tell they miss you too. Why won't you come back?"

At Mikan's silence, Aoi-chan pressed on "You miss them, they miss you. Why won't you tell them? They can help you. In the first place, what is this problem you have that's so bad you can't tell anyone? Why won't you say anything?"

"Aoi," Mikan started, a warning behind her voice and Aoi abruptly quietened. Mikan softened for a bit. She took in a deep breath and reminded herself that Aoi didn't mean any harm, she was only trying to help. And to be fair, Mikan didn't tell her that she's depressed, merely informing that she had a problem that made her incapable of telling anybody. Aoi was young and impatient. She would be frustrated.

Mikan placed a hand on Aoi's shoulder. Aoi looked defeated, like she was waiting for Mikan to admonish her. Aoi's eyes were shut tightly, bracing herself at whatever she thinks Mikan was going to do.

"I do miss them. I want to go back. I want to see them. I want to do everything with them. There's not a day where I don't think about them. But not now. Later, but not now. So until that day comes, can you be patient and help me?" Mikan pleaded.

Aoi hugged Mikan and nodded against her shoulder. Mikan caressed her hair gently, her other hand moving up and down Aoi's back in smooth, calming motions. "Good girl," she whispered.

Mikan hoped Aoi could wait, even if she probably wouldn't understand. Mizuki and Miyuki, she once vowed she would be a good elder sister for them when she first held them in her arms. She broke that vow when she ran, but in it's place exist a new one.

She promised that she would be the best elder sister she could possibly be when she returned. She would be the best daughter to both her parents and be the greatest family member overall. She may be late, but someday…

Someday, she would fulfill those promises.

* * *

"I'll lend you a yukata for the fireworks festival," Nobara offered as she closed the restaurant. They were done for the day. Mikan, who swept the floor, looked at Nobara.

"It's fine. But does this mean you're coming?" Mikan asked. Nobara nodded.

"Yes. I'll be bringing Youichi and Rei with me too. It's been a while since we've went to a festival. So, why not? And I insist about the yukata," Nobara told Mikan.

"Well…" Mikan started. She was actually planning to rent one, but since Nobara offered, it seemed rude to decline. But before she could reply, the front door opened. Both of them turned towards it, and Mikan's face automatically formed a smile when she saw who was at the door.

"Mikan-neechan!" Aoi called out as she dashed towards her, throwing her arms around Mikan. Mikan was just aware enough to catch her without falling from the impact. Natsume entered as well, sighing in exasperation at Aoi's antics. Mikan was getting used to Aoi throwing herself at Mikan, so this was alright.

" _Buriko_ ," Natsume said to Aoi. Aoi stuck her tongue out at Natsume in retaliation, and he rolled his eyes at the childish display. He said to Nobara, "Evening. Sorry for the trouble. We're here to get Polka."

Nobara-chan replied, "Good evening, Hyuuga-san. It's okay. The store was about to close anyway." She then turned to look curiously at Aoi rubbing her face at Mikan's bosom.

Mikan smiled at Nobara-chan helplessly. "This young girl is Natsume's younger sister, Aoi Hyuuga. She and Natsume are going to be here for two weeks."

At the mention of her name, Aoi straightened up and finally realized the other occupant in the room. Flustered, she greeted in a high pitched voice, nervousness obvious in her movements and expression "G-good evening. I'm Aoi. Call me Aoi, please." She bowed at Nobara.

Nobara giggled. "How polite. And you're very cute. I'm Nobara Serio. Are you here for the summer holiday?"

"Yes! I'm here to visit Mikan-neechan," Aoi cheerfully replied. "Tomorrow, we'll be going with her to the fireworks festival."

"Really? My family and I will be going too," Nobara said. "Do you have a yukata to wear? I can lend you one of my old ones."

"Seriously? That's great! Thank you," Aoi thanked her happily. Nobara shifted her attention to Mikan. "See, Aoi-chan accepted my offer easily. You should accept it too. I don't mind lending you a yukata. I have too many of them anyway. It's all just collecting dust, and it's better to have somebody wear them."

"If you insist," Mikan gave in. Nobara nodded in agreement.

"I'll send the yukatas to you next morning. Aoi-chan can get the yukata from Mikan-chan."

"Okay!" Aoi replied.

* * *

That night, Mikan woke up from her sleep. She stood up and covered her pale face with both of her shaky hands, taking in deep breaths as she tried to still down her heartbeat. It felt like it could destroy her ribcage, with how loud the beats sounded.

Another nightmare. This time more vivid than before. It was the balcony and knife dream again, only this time, the balcony opened wide showing a blood red sky and in her hand there was an equally bloody knife. The phantom pain from the dream when she buried the knife in her chest shocked her from her sleep, and it woke her up.

She couldn't sleep again.

Mikan went to her bathroom with unsteady legs. She splashed her face with ice cold water, and she looked at herself in the mirror. She looked gaunt, her skin almost paper thin and her exhaustion was evident in her eyes. She opened the medicine cabinet and there it was, the bottle of antidepressant and sleeping pills placed side by side innocently.

She had steadily decreased her intake per the instructions given by the doctor. And ever since Aoi-chan and Natsume came to visit, she could quickly get a hold of herself, no longer tightly gripped with anxiety and fear. But when she was alone, when she woke up from bed, these dark thoughts and images would manifest seemingly out of nowhere, leaving her out of breath and unable to sleep anymore. Because whenever she tried to force herself to sleep, her dreams would continue where they left off, and that was terrible.

There were times, when she felt like taking the antidepressants again, because no matter how terrible those antidepressants make her feel, they were nothing but shadows as compared to her imagination and dreams. However she kept thinking of how she had to start everything all over again, and it was just not worth the effort. And she was doing so _good_ , too. She can't stop now.

She stared at her phone, the casing creaked from just the strength of her hold around it. Natsume… she wondered if he was still awake.

She decided to give it a shot. Better that than wallowing in misery and insomnia.

* * *

 **To: Natsume**

Are you awake?

* * *

A few minutes later, her phone rang. Natsume called. Mikan immediately picked up and she heard Natsume asking her. " _What is it? Can't sleep again?_ "

It didn't sound like Natsume just woke up from sleep. He sounded steady and clear, not raspy at all, as though he had been awake. "You haven't slept yet? I'm sorry if I'm bothering you."

" _It's fine. Besides, what is it? You sound terrible. Another nightmare?_ "

"Mhmm," Mikan could her shaky breath and with how close she pressed the mouthpiece was to her lips, Mikan knew Natsume heard her too. "It was a really bad one."

" _Aren't they becoming more frequent lately? I thought you were getting better_ ," Natsume mused.

"I am. The doctor said I can decrease my dosage of antidepressants now. So these dreams are just my body adjusting to the change."

" _I'm not a medical expert, but shouldn't you at least take one if it's getting this bad?_ "

"No!" Mikan vehemently protested. Then she said, this time more softly but no less firm. "No. I don't want to take them. They will help me now, but they won't help me in the long run. I need to get better, Natsume. And relying on medicine is not it."

Mikan heard the sound of Natsume sipping something. Knowing Natsume, it's probably coffee. " _Turn on your laptop_ ," he ordered.

"Hah? O-okay," Mikan agreed, bewildered at the command. But it's better than facing nightmares. She reached for her laptop and booted it up. The screen lit, shining dimly in the darkness of her bedroom. Once it's done, Mikan said, "It's on. Now what?"

" _Go to Youtube. There should be a playlist there titled 'important videos'_."

Mikan followed the instructions and when she found it, there were 311 videos in it. "Natsume, I'm not going to watch 300+ videos on Youtube. What is this playlist anyway? It looks ridiculous."

" _It_ is _ridiculous_ ," Natsume agreed. " _I was going to have you comment shit about it while you watch, but it's either that or you can watch the newest episode of Boku no Hero Academia with me._ "

"Watching All Might is definitely better than this, whatever it is," Mikan muttered.

" _Watching underage wannabe heroes it is then. Have you downloaded it yet?_ "

"Yup, I'm clicking it now." Mikan moved the cursor to the video file in her download folder. And when the opening song came in, Mikan called out to him. "Natsume?"

" _What_?"

"Thanks," she gratefully said. She can't quite pick on what she's thanking him for, (thank you for listening, thank you for helping, thank you for being here, _thank you_ ) but she thought Natsume understood her anyway. He usually does. And Mikan's ever so thankful.

Natsume grunted. " _Watch the damn show, Polka_."

* * *

She went to Himemiya, with the box containing the yukata Nobara-chan had handed over to her earlier. When Mikan arrived, after Aoi finished thanking her and squeeing in excitement, she motioned at Mikan to come closer. Mikan leaned forward and Aoi whispered.

"Onii-chan was on the phone again last night! It was after midnight and he was being so secretive. It must be her, that person he's crushing on!" Aoi told her, her voice low, but the way she said it was with such importance Mikan burst out laughing.

"I'm afraid you're wrong, Aoi-chan. I was calling him last night," she said.

Surprised, Aoi asked, "Really? It was you, Mikan-neechan?"

"Yup, I had to talk to him about something."

A mischievous look slowly took over Aoi's face. "Hoooo, really?" Aoi knowingly said, her pretty red eyes gleaming brightly. Mikan felt a chill running down her spine at that look, because that look was similar to when Koko hatched his infamous pranks. It spelled trouble.

Nevertheless, Mikan was once again faced with a cuddly Aoi. "Thank you, Mikan-neechan. See you tonight. For now, I have something to say to Onii-chan," she informed her after she finished hugging Mikan. And then, she sped away, leaving Mikan wondering not for the first time, ' _What is going on?_ '

* * *

The yukata Mikan received from Nobara-chan was a pastel green one with pink sakura motifs painted on it. Mikan wore it and it snugly hugged her frame. Yukatas are really nice, Mikan admired. They're versatile and you can adjust them using an obi. Nobara-chan even gave her a pair of _zori_ made of lacquered wood, and it surprisingly fit her. It wasn't too tight, and it didn't pinch her feet.

Mikan applied on some light make up, her customary blush and lip balm and just a sweep of mascara on her lashes. Her hair pinned in a half up-do, held securely with a small sakura _kanzashi_ she had bought during her shopping trip with Aoi. Deeming her appearance acceptable, she grabbed her bag and went to the train station where the others were waiting.

* * *

Upon arrival, Mikan saw Nobara-chan looking simply beautiful in her dark blue yukata. By her side were Youichi and Rei, both looking aloof as ever. When Nobara noticed her, she waved at Mikan.

"Mikan-chan, good evening! I'm glad the yukata fit you more than it did me. You look pretty," Nobara complimented. Her eyes roamed appreciatively over her figure and Mikan found herself doing the same thing to Nobara.

"Good evening, Nobara-chan. Thank you for the yukata. You look beautiful too," Mikan replied in turn, and it wasn't a lie. Nobara was already a beautiful woman and in that yukata? She looked stunning.

"Good evening, Rei-san, Youichi-kun," Mikan greeted. Rei nodded at her and Youichi gave a quiet, "Evening." Both of them wore casual clothing, choosing not to wear a yukata. Mikan felt a slight disappointment at the sight. She kind of wanted to see them in yukatas too. They would look great.

Mikan glanced at her phone. Aoi-chan and Natsume should be here at any moment now. And true enough, Mikan heard the same familiar and cheerful voice behind her.

"Hey! Mikan-neechan! We're here," Aoi shouted. Her yukata was peach coloured, with small red goldfishes painted on it. Her hair was swept up and tied at the back of her head with a little red ribbon. Immediately, Mikan thought, ' _Cute_!'

Natsume, like Rei and Youichi also wore casual clothing, opting to come in a jacket and jeans. He looked at the other males with Mikan curiously, having never seen them before. Rei narrowed his eyes at Natsume and Aoi. Youichi on the other hand, didn't show any overt emotions, but being around him long enough, Mikan could tell he was also burning with curiosity.

"She's Aoi Hyuuga," Mikan introduced to them. "And this man here is Natsume Hyuuga, her brother. They came to visit me."

"Hello, nice to meet you!" Aoi greeted. She bowed slightly at Rei and smiled brightly at Youichi. "Hope we can get along!"

Natsume gave a nod towards both of them. Rei nodded back, and told them, "I'm Rei, Nobara's husband."

"Youichi Hijiri, nice to meet you," Youichi quietly yet politely told them. He had swiftly dismissed Aoi-chan after the introduction, but his eyes stayed glued onto Natsume. Natsume looked back at him, neutrally assessing him. Rei just looked like he doesn't care. Mikan learned early on that when meeting with other men, unless those men are looking at Nobara-chan inappropriately, Rei would just ignore them.

Not minding about everything, Aoi went to Mikan and Nobara, proceeding to fawn and ooh-ed over them both with starry eyes. "Nobara-san, Mikan-neechan, you look so pretty. And thank you for lending this yukata to me!" she said to Nobara-chan.

Nobara laughed, her voice sound like gentle wind chimes Mikan used to hang in her room in spring. "Your welcome. And since everyone's here, let's go. There's a lot of things to try at the festival. Let's all enjoy the festivities."

* * *

The fireworks festival was loud and merry. Colourful lanterns were hung around the place like pearls on a string and stalls littered the side of the street. The savoury smell of food and the cries of children filled the air. It truly felt like summer had finally came.

During the train ride, Mikan and Nobara-chan had chatted with Aoi-chan, who was happy with the attention she received. Rei stood near Nobara-chan liked a faithful guardian angel, while surprisingly, Natsume and Youichi conversed with each other. It was rare for Youichi to take such interest in someone enough to talk to them, and even rarer that Natsume actually responded. But in retrospect, Mikan should have known they clicked. In terms of personality, they do resemble each other.

When they arrived, Aoi-chan had tugged at both Mikan and Natsume and begged to try everything. She wanted to try the game booths and stuff herself silly with the delicious food. Youichi was preoccupied with the shooting gallery. Nobara and Rei stayed with them for a while, but they separated from the group to walk towards the shrine. Mikan guessed that maybe they would want some time alone. This festival seemed pretty popular with couples too, and Mikan saw a lot of them walking around with loving gazes while holding hands.

Mikan had indulged her and Natsume was there to help reign Aoi in. The boundless energy Aoi seemed to have makes it difficult for Mikan to remember the fact that once upon a time, Aoi was so sick she couldn't move from her bed. Aoi was blessed to still be so energetic and cheerful after something so painful in her past.

When Aoi was finally satisfied, her hands bearing prizes that she and Natsume had won, she suggested. "How about both of you try something together? I'm done now, so I'll be going to the field where everybody's waiting for the fireworks. I'll wait for both of you there."

She winked at Natsume and gave him a thumbs up, and Natsume ferociously scowled at her. Aoi laughed and she dragged a protesting Youichi with her.

Mikan was hesitant. She reached a hand to Aoi, and stammered, "Wait, Aoi-chan-" but before she could finish her sentence, Aoi and Youichi were gone and they disappeared behind the crowd of people. She limply let her extended hand down and she looked at Natsume, the scowl still on his face.

"You heard her. What do you want to do?" Mikan asked. Natsume ran his fingers through his hair, the scowl wiped off his face, now deeply thinking.

"Let's just walk around first," he replied. He smoothly held her hand in his warm ones and moved forward. Mikan, surprised at the move, stumbled forward, but quickly regained her bearing. She walked along side Natsume, looking at him in wonder.

Natsume noticed her glancing at him, then growled out. "What? This is so you don't get lost. Anything can happen here."

"Okay…" Mikan turned her gaze forward. There were a lot of people here, but Mikan didn't feel anxious. And the thought of people recognizing her never crossed her mind. She felt calm, Natsume's warmth grounding her.

Despite the noise, this was one of the most peaceful times Mikan ever had. She smiled and enjoyed it as much as she could.

* * *

Walking for long periods of time can get tiring, so after a while, Mikan started to feel lightheaded. Natsume, seemingly hyper aware of her state, immediately searched for a bench. He forced her to sit and then said, "I'll buy some iced coffee and something to eat. Wait here." He stood up and left her be. Mikan took a deep breath, and she stared down at the hand Natsume held.

It was pleasant. Mikan wondered if it was the warmth and comfort that hand holding could bring, or if it was merely Natsume. Mikan couldn't decide.

Sometimes she wondered about Natsume. He said he's doing this, helping her because he cares but Mikan couldn't avoid but think if there's anything he wants from her, an ulterior motive. There doesn't seem to be one, but her paranoid self was never able to dismiss the idea. Surely he want something?

So deep in her thoughts, she didn't notice a man coming at her with hungry eyes. "Hey, pretty lady," he slurred and Mikan was startled out of her thoughts, finally aware of the man looking at her like's she's a piece of meat. He looked almost attractive, with groomed hair and stylish clothes. Mikan wouldn't have been so repulsed at him if the discomfiting leer wasn't on his face.

Mikan frowned and immediately stood up, intending to leave. She knew better than to stay when people like these are around. "Excuse me," she mumbled and tried to walk but the man snatched her wrist in a painful grip and Mikan refrained from crying out in pain. She was brought close to the man and Mikan could smell alcohol on him as he sniffed at her lecherously.

A creepy drunk. Great. Just her luck, she cursed.

Mikan tried yanking her hand out his grasp but to no avail. He's strong. "Let go of me," Mikan ordered, struggling against him. But the man merely sneered.

"We were just starting to know each other. Don't run away now. I won't do anything," he cooed and Mikan scoffed at his words. No way he won't do anything.

"Let go of me or I'll scream," Mikan threatened. The man cackled.

"Go ahead, scream. Not like there's anyone around here who can hear ya," he said nastily and Mikan panicked, looking around and noting that there weren't anyone around. Mikan finally remembered that it's about time for the fireworks to start. Of course people wouldn't be loitering around here, they would be at the field. Mikan regret not being more aware of the time.

' _Natsume, where are you?_ ' she frantically thought as the man grabbed at her hip with his other hand. Her mind went blank when the man grinded his hips at hers and Mikan felt something hard pressing at her. Something that definitely did not feel like house keys or a wallet.

In a quick movement, she kicked the man at his groin and pushed him away. The man howled in pain, clutching at below his waist. "You bitch!" he screamed. He struggled to stand, eyes bloodshot with alcohol and anger.

Mikan, in fear and in tears, froze. She tried willing her body to move but it would not comply. She just couldn't _move_. Mikan took shallow breaths, her heart beating fast, and to her dismay, she could feel her heart speeding and her chest constricting, in preparation for a panic attack.

The man lifted his fist, but before he could reach Mikan, she was yanked backwards and Natsume finally, _finally_ arrived. He gave the guy a roundhouse kick at the head, and the drunk fell down, out cold from the force of the kick and most probably from the alcohol.

He turned towards Mikan who was sprawled at the floor gasping for air, salty tears streaming down her cheeks. Mikan couldn't see anything, couldn't feel anything, couldn't breathe and it hurt. It hurt so _much_.

She felt him gathering her in his strong arms. Mikan felt lips pressed at her temple, a comforting and solid warmth encompassing her, a gentle, low voice whispering, "Shhh, it's okay, it's okay. I'm here. Take deep breaths. Stay with me. You are so good. You are doing so _good_ , I am so, _so_ fucking sorry, I should never have left you", and Mikan clutched at his chest desperately, trying to listen to his words, trying to steady her breathing.

She's safe now, Mikan told herself. Natsume's here, she's safe. And all the while Mikan tried forcing herself to calm down, he moved his hand over her back, her shoulders, her neck, her arms. His lips moved from her temple to her eyelids, her wet cheeks, the corner of her mouth, her ears and her knuckles, all the while whispering reassurances in that same, even and gentle voice.

* * *

When Mikan had finally calmed down, she buried her face in his shoulder, and she felt sorry at how wet his shirt has become. She grabbed at his back and pleaded, "Please just, can we stay like this? I- I need-"

"Take as much as you need, I'm here," Natsume said, leaning his cheek on her hair, hands moving in soothing motions. The sky lit up in a blast of colourful sparks and a loud bang resounded throughout the air, and Mikan stared at the bright night sky decorated with the much anticipated fireworks, with Natsume so close to her she could almost hear his own heartbeat thumping in tandem with hers.

 _Ahh_ , she thought, awestruck at the glorious view and this surreal situation she's in. _So beautiful_.

* * *

As Mikan had calmed herself down enough to walk properly and talk coherently, they went to the field the others were waiting at. The fireworks were long over by then.

Nobara met them, and it was clear that she was worried about their brief disappearance. After Nobara interrogated them, Mikan gave vague answers and Natsume loyally kept silent. Mikan reassured everyone that she's fine, and suggested they go home.

On the way back, Natsume and Aoi walked Mikan back home, after saying goodbye to Nobara, Rei and Youichi. Aoi looked half worried and half excited and Natsume just made sure that she was alright. When they arrived, Natsume pushed a container of _okonomiyaki_ and a cup of iced coffee Mikan had forgotten Natsume had told her he was going to buy.

"Eat them, and rest," he ordered. "We'll come visit tomorrow."

"Bye, Mikan-neechan," Aoi said. Mikan idly nodded and closed the door. She placed the items on the table and Mikan finally realized that Natsume never let go of her hand the entire trip back home. Unlike back at the festival, their fingers were laced together and it felt both very comforting and oddly intimate. Mikan opened and closed her palm, trying to remember how it felt like, her hand in his warm, steady ones.

Her heartbeat sped up, remembering the feel of his mouth on her skin and the sheer heat of his body pressed against hers. It almost felt like her heart was acting up again, but it never came. Her heartbeat was fast and uneven, and Mikan wondered if she also had arrhythmia.

She didn't experience any nightmares went she tucked herself in bed. Her dreams that night were of flowers in the sky and a black cat on her lap, purring comfortably.

* * *

 **GLOSSARY**

 _Onsen ryokan_ : Hot spring inn.

 _Pixiv_ : It's like DeviantArt, except it's made and primarily used by Japanese people.

 _Omiai_ : Marriage meeting, usually a match is planned by a matchmaker or the family, requested through letters and pictures of the bride, and the people would then meet. If it goes well, they would marry shortly after.

 _Zori_ : sandals, there are many kinds. (ex: wood, straw, plastic, etc)

 _Kanzashi_ : hair decorations, there are many kinds (ex: combs, headdresses, pins, etc)

 _Okonomiyaki_ : A kind of oriental pizza pancake, with savoury toppings.

Arrhythmia: Medical term for problematic rate of heartbeat.

* * *

A.N: I'm starting to think this fic is going to be a slow burn. The romance is slow. I'm trash, what can I say?

Errors will be fixed later. Thanks for reading, and I'm sorry you had to wait so long for this update. Updates are going to be at the end of the week from now on because that's the only time I'll be free enough to write, which is why this chapter and the previous one came out so late. I just want everything to be over already TT^TT


	13. Chapter 10: Insecurities & Confessions

AN: I should have updated last week, but life threw bricks at me. So enjoy this extra long chapter. Obligatory beach chapter. Can also be titled as 'the one time Natsume is flustered and Mikan is flirty.' Enjoy

* * *

 **CHAPTER 10: INSECURITIES AND CONFESSIONS**

* * *

Mikan had a problem. She's thinking that there is a chance that she's falling for Natsume.

Which was bad.

She's not a stranger to falling in love with people. She knows the signs, when seeing their name on her phone makes her smile, when she caught herself staring at them occasionally in awe, when being near them makes her warm, when she feels a slight sorrow at saying 'Goodbye' to them, thinking that the next time she could say 'Hello' seems so far away, when her heart starts beating uncontrollably for no apparent reason whenever they are around, when just hearing their name fills her with hope and trepidation.

She knew. It happened with Ruka before, and now this time, it's towards Natsume.

As Mikan sat alone on her small dining table, her breakfast remain uneaten in front of her, she thought of how she's going to face Natsume soon. Last night, when she was ensconced in his arms as he tried to calm her down, Mikan remembered just how desperately she sought him for comfort and stability. And all the other times when he was being considerate, how glad it made her felt.

' _No good_ ,' she thought, anxiously biting her nails and picking at the stitching of her pajamas. ' _This is not good._ '

You are not supposed to fall in love with people who are helping you get better. It would be bad. And in the first place, you are not supposed to get attached to them. Mikan learned so long ago just how scary falling in love could be, and how destructive its impacts are. It took her a while to recover. If she was rejected this time too, Mikan don't know if she could take it.

Should she tell him? That she's developing romantic feelings for him? But if he rejected her, she'll break again. However, withholding the emotions is bad too. She'll also break if she suppresses too much. It happened before. She didn't want to break and fall again. She's healing. What's the point in destroying all that effort?

If she tells Natsume, she could be rejected. If she doesn't tell him, it'll be too much. Both are terrible.

What a bad time to start falling for somebody.

And if what Aoi said was true, doesn't Natsume already have someone he likes? His lady love? Someone that apparently makes him smile and laugh while they are on the phone? She knew there's no way it would be her. Natsume wouldn't like her romantically.

Who would want broken pottery? Even when you put them back together, the cracks are still there. The damage is done. Nobody want damaged goods. Mikan wouldn't want herself either. She's a mess.

And also, what would Natsume think of her if she told him? He would be troubled, or worse, disgusted. Mikan could already imagine him saying to her, "It's not love, Polka. You're delusional."

The only even decently acceptable option left would be to tell him. Withholding, she knew what would happen. But if she confessed, there's a chance that he wouldn't outright reject her, but wouldn't accept her either. Natsume's kind enough to do that, despite his gruff and grumpy persona. There's a chance that he would answer her ambiguously or completely ignore it. There's that _small_ chance that he would spare her and would finally answer her when she was strong enough to handle the aftermath.

' _Yes, that would work. Probably_ ,' Mikan thought. And then, how to handle the situation after she confessed. She had to give him something, something that would make him still stay around even after what would most probably be the most awkward confession she's going to give. She need to give something that would make him still want to be friends with her, because Mikan likes being friends with him. She doesn't want to destroy everything good about their current relationship now just because she happened to have awful timing at developing romantic feelings for somebody.

Releasing a sigh, she reached out to her bowl of now cold miso soup and drank slowly. And when she finally polished off her breakfast, she slowly planned.

* * *

"Mikan-senpai, why don't you come with us to the beach?" Nagi-chan offered. Mikan turned to her, her attention shifting from the eel she was grilling to the peppy teenager looking at her with shining eyes, eager to hear her response. Her black eyes shone like glass under the warm lighting of the restaurant.

"Oh, you're going to the beach?" Mikan asked. She turned her attention back to the grilled eel. Deeming it done, she carefully placed the eel on top of a bowl of rice, before plating the tray with sauces. She handed the tray to Nagi. "Give this to table 5, would you?"

Nagi took the tray from her and hurriedly went to said table. Mikan busied herself trying to fry the newest batch of _karaage_ , when Nagi came back again, determinedly walking towards her direction. Mikan internally sighed. Looks like she won't be able to say no this time.

Mikan had gotten to know the staff members, but she had never allowed them to get close to her. Mikan had allowed them glimpses of herself before keeping them at arm's length. She had no intention of getting too attached to people, never letting them see too much of her. Just enough to keep their curiosity sated.

But once in a while, there would be that one person who was just too curious and too eager.

"Nagi-chan, we are working right now," Mikan reminded her firmly. "You should focus on the customers first. It would be bad if they complain about you.

Nagi's shoulders drooped, and she whined in disappointment. Mikan could almost see a pair of puppy ears flattening on top of her head and a tail swaying limply behind Nagi. It almost made her feel bad for being so strict. Nagi-chan was a naturally cheery girl, turning into a shy violet only when there are intimidatingly attractive people around, like when she first introduced Natsume to her.

Mikan smiled at her, and gave a pat on her head. "I'm not mad," Mikan reassured. "It's just bad work ethics I don't like. If you really want me to go with you, you can ask after work's over."

Nagi immediately perked up like a Christmas tree at her words. 'Teenagers are so cute,' Mikan thought, enjoying the view of the blond haired teenager in front of her beaming up at Mikan. The imaginary puppy ears are up, no longer flattened on Nagi'shair.

…Mikan should really do something about her tendency with calling teenagers cute.

* * *

True enough, when the day was over, and when the last customer was sent off with a big smile on his face, Nagi-chan asked her again in the changing room.

"So Mikan-senpai? Will you come?" Nagi-chan asked eagerly.

"Before I answer," Mikan started, "Where are we going and how long are you staying there?"

"2 days and 1 night!" Nagi chirped. "One of my classmates had this huge, unused beach house her family owns and she asked me and my friends to come. Her family would let her use it, but they said they need to find an adult who can watch over them first. We asked everybody, but they are all so busy. You're the only one I can count on! Please?" she begged. Mikan's was tempted to start calling her 'puppy' from then on.

Mikan briefly thought about it. She can go, she had no problem with going to the beach. It's just that with a bunch of teenagers, it would make her feel slightly out of place. A thought struck her.

"If I go, can I bring my friends with me too?" Mikan asked.

Nagi tilted her head to the side in question. "How many are you going to bring?"

"Just two. I'll ask Natsume and his sister if they want to come."

"Natsume?" Nagi parroted, then blushed. "The good looking man that came with you the other day?"

Mikan nodded. "He's here with his sister for summer vacation. I told them I would go with them for sightseeing. If I'm coming with you, I'll have to bring them as well."

"I see…" Nagi-chan then whipped out her phone and tapped on the screen a few times. "I'll ask my friend first if they're okay. I'll tell you later at night, Mikan-senpai."

"Okay." Mikan closed her locker and slung her bag at her left shoulder. She waved goodbye at Nagi, intending to walk home, when she bumped into someone.

She staggered a bit, and shook her head, trying to dispel the faint pain. "I'm sorry," she apologized.

"It's fine, Polka."

Hearing that stupid nickname (because seriously, he saw that from when they were 12. Does he really want to keep calling her by her panties' prints all the time?) in that familiar voice, she looked ahead and saw Natsume peering down at her curiously, his posture relaxed despite the bump Mikan had with his chest.

"Ah, Natsume!" Mikan exclaimed. "Why are you here?" Mikan didn't expect to see him so soon and remembering the revelation she had this morning, her heart sped up. She clenched her hand around the strap of her bag and quickly plastered a welcoming smile on her face.

She can't let Natsume know now. Not yet.

"Was around. Figured I could come here." He looked behind her, and saw that the store had taken down its _noren_ and there was a 'closed' sign on the door. "Done already?"

"Yeah, I was just going back home. Did you come here to eat? The store is closed, so we can go someplace else if you want," Mikan suggested.

"I already ate," he spoke then. He reached out for her bag and slung it over his shoulders. "Let's go," he ordered. Mildly surprised by the loss of her bag and seeing him just taking it, she protested, "Wait, Natsume! Go where?"

"Go to your apartment, idiot," he said. "I'll take you there." He walked with fast and long steps, and Mikan struggled to keep up. Once she was able to walk beside him, she pouted. "You don't have to. I can go on my own."

"I _want_ to go there, you dense woman," he told her, rolling his eyes at her.

Mikan huffed. "You could have at least asked. I would show you to my house anyway," she grumbled. Well at least Mikan had always kept her apartment clean. She wasn't a messy person, and there wasn't much she owned. There wasn't anything embarrassing on display, except for her laundry she hung on her balcony. Then, Mikan finally remembered the bras and panties she hung to dry with the laundry and paled significantly.

* * *

Once they arrived, Mikan hurriedly went in, but not before warning Natsume. "You better not come in," she threatened. "I'll kick you out if you do."

She slammed the door on his highly amused face. She went inside and quickly stuffed her already dry clothes in the laundry hamper and brought it to her bedroom. She then surveyed the house, and after finally making sure that it was clean and free from anything mortifying, she opened the door.

Natsume had his arms crossed, still with that amused look on his face, and Mikan had a slightly violent urge to slap him just to wipe that look off his face.

"Done hiding your stuff, Polka?" he drawled. She glared at him, the anger not as heated as it should. Natsume never really stopped teasing her. She should have been getting used to it by now.

That doesn't mean she likes it.

"Come in," she reluctantly invited him. She walked inside the apartment and went straight into the kitchen. She didn't have to tell anything to Natsume. She knew his rude self would just make himself comfortable at her home.

When Mikan was done pouring chilled oolong tea in the cups, she brought them to the living room and true enough, Natsume was there, sitting on her sofa, flipping through the old magazines Nobara-chan gave her when she first moved in here. Mikan placed the cup in front of him and he turned to look at her as she sat down adjacent to him.

"I hope you're fine with oolong. It's all I can give you at this moment," Mikan said. She took a sip and saw him doing the same. Finally taking in his frame, she wondered why he wanted to come here.

Was he worried about her because of last night?

"Why did you want to come here?" she asked.

His fingers fiddled with the empty cup in his palms. "I felt like it." At Mikan's unconvinced look, he sighed. "That and I want to see how you're doing."

"I'm fine, Natsume. Last night wasn't the first time I had a panic attack. It's not the first and it definitely won't be the last," she said. She took another careful sip of her tea, and savoured the feel of the cool liquid running down her throat.

He looked dissatisfied. "What do you usually do when you have one of those?"

"The panic attacks?" At his nod, Mikan replied. "I wait them out. I'd take deep breaths and I'd close my eyes and hope it'll go away."

Mikan could see the start of a frown between his brows. "That's it?" he asked, his voice almost incredulous.

"That's it. Thankfully, it rarely ever happened in public. It's usually when I'm alone. That was the first time it happened in a wide open area," she admitted.

"Because you were harassed and almost assaulted," he whispered almost viciously. Mikan shuddered at the bad memory, and fidgeted in discomfort. She had bruises from the man's painfully tight grip on her wrist, and she had to cover up the marks with concealer that morning before she went out. She can't have Nobara-chan and the others asking about it. It would make them worry.

Mikan never noticed her unconsciously rubbing her bruised wrist until grabbed her hand and pulled it towards him. Mikan had to lurch forward, her arm stretched out at Natsume as he looked closely at it. He placed his thumb on her inner wrist and start to gently rub, and Mikan couldn't hide the shiver wracking through her body.

That light touch on her wrist wasn't supposed to feel good. And yet…

"There's make up here," he stated, his lips pursed in displeasure as he rubbed harder, as though rubbing alone could remove the concealer spread on it. Mikan allowed herself to feel a small tingle of pleasure running down her spine before she took her hand away from his touch, caressing her inner wrist idly.

Natsume saw her, so defenseless, and he bowed his head slightly in resignation. "I should have been there," he regretfully said, both his hand clenched tightly into fists. His knuckles were wait and the dark look in his eyes worried her.

She slowly reached out to one of his fist and gently, carefully unfurled his fingers one by one, feeling like she's slowly coaxing a bud to open its' petals, before moving on to his other hand to do the same. Mikan lifted her head and met his solemn gaze. "It's fine. I'm okay now. You came anyway, and that's all that mattered."

It was a bad situation, but it was okay. At least she was somewhat unscathed by it. And Natsume was there. She was okay. He was okay. Both of them were okay. She could live with it.

The silence stretched out a tad too long and Mikan noticed that _look_ again from Natsume. That same look he gave her sometimes, the one she still couldn't decipher it's meaning. She slowly flushed underneath the intense feeling of it, cheeks no doubt turning into a red, and Mikan hoped it didn't look as though she put too much blush on. Her heart sped even faster than before, and Mikan was finally realized that she's in a room alone with a guy she's falling in love with, holding his hands as though they were more than friends, and Mikan quickly retrieved her hands from him, embarrassed and mentally hitting herself for not thinking about this sooner.

"What?" she snapped, wanting to run away from the room and lock herself in her bedroom. His gaze softened slightly and he leaned forward.

"Mi-"

 _Ching_. A chime from her phone rang and sliced the tension Mikan didn't know existed in the room until then like a hot knife on butter. She took out her phone from her pocket and saw it was a message from Nagi-chan.

* * *

 **From: Nagi-chan**

they said yes! u can bring ur frends too. Waaahhhh im so excited aaaaah

* * *

Giggling at the message, she turned to Natsume, who had by then leaned backwards into his sofa as his curious eyes locked on her.

"So, Natsume," she began. "Do you want to come with us to the beach?"

* * *

Two days later, Mikan found herself at the train station with Natsume, Aoi-chan, Nagi-chan and two of her friends together with Youichi-kun as they waited for one other girl to come.

When Mikan asked Natsume if he wanted to go, he was slightly hesitant when Mikan told him she's going there as Nagi-chan and her friends' guardian. It almost looked like he was going to refuse, but then he nodded. "Sure."

They then asked Aoi-chan, who ecstatically screamed, "Yes! Of course I would." Mikan figured she would love to go to the beach. She remembered when she was a teenager, how eager she was to go along with her classmates during their beach classes.

Mikan had packed another one of her rarely worn outfits, a white bikini that came with a floral pink wrap and shirt that she bought online, her underwear, sleepwear, any necessities that one must have when they are going to the beach and her toiletries. These attires that she usually stored are seeing more use as of late, and Mikan was glad she could finally use them.

Maybe deciding to come out of her shell a bit and spending time with others was doing something positive to her after all.

So Mikan walked to the train station, in a white and blue sundress with her wide straw hat placed securely on her head. And when she arrived Nagi-chan and two of her friends were there, one with long jet black hair and brown eyes with a sunny personality, and another with ivory hair and blue irises with a gentle disposition. Both of them looked the same age as Nagi-chan, and they were both incredibly happy to see her, much to Mikan's surprise and slight chagrin.

The one with black hair was Makoto Kannagi and the fair haired one was Shiori Hanabusa. Shiori had came to her and thanked her profusely for agreeing to take care of them during the trip, then gave her parents' phone number to Mikan. After Mikan called her father saying, yes, she's taking care of them, and yes, she'll make sure that they would be safe and yes, Shiori-chan would be fine, and oh, she's albino, alright, she'll make sure that Shiori-chan and her friends would be okay and that Mr Hanabusa can contact her anytime. Then she had to call Mrs Hanabusa and then spent a good 15 minutes convincing her that she would take good care of their daughter and her friends.

(Mikan had never thought parents could be so overprotective. Must be equally overbearing and nice.)

A little while later, Youichi-kun arrived. Mikan was surprised to see him. He, as usual, quietly introduced himself to the girls and later ignored them, favouring to tap away on his phone. When Mikan questioned Nagi-chan, she said, "I kinda felt sorry for Hyuuga-kun. I didn't want to make him feel uncomfortable surrounded by girls. So we invited Youichi-kun with us."

Mikan turned to Youichi. "And you said yes to that?"

Youichi had shrugged. "Don't have anything else to do," he had said, but Mikan felt that the only reason he agreed to go was Natsume. She had to stifle her giggles when she realized that Youichi may have a slight hero worship towards Natsume, and that was adorable. It helped that Natsume had a soft spot for children. He could never deny them anything.

Then Natsume and Aoi came, and Mikan had to introduce them to the girls. Predictably, all three of the teenagers blushed and acted shyly around Natsume, and they welcomed the slightly anxious Aoi into their group. When Mikan saw how the girls interacted with each other, how warmly they perceived Aoi, Mikan felt happy for Aoi-chan, and hoped she could be friends with them. She knew Aoi had trouble connecting with her classmates, and hoped that if she couldn't connect with her classmates, then she could try getting along with Nagi-chan and her friends. Youichi-kun then went to Natsume and they chatted for a bit, and Mikan saw how Natsume relaxed significantly when he found out the Youichi was going with them.

Nagi-chan's last friend finally arrived, a sweet looking girl with dark red hair and green eyes with the name Rin Sarashiki. She introduced herself to everybody, impressively managing to keep her composure around Natsume and also welcoming a surprised Aoi enthusiastically with a crushing hug, gushing at how cute she was and how pretty the Onee-san coming with them was.

Mikan blushed at that. There's something about a younger girl complimenting her that made her feel slightly happy. Maybe because to Mikan, it felt more sincere. It didn't feel like lip service. It felt genuine.

* * *

During the train ride, Natsume had sat beside her, the seats in front of them occupied by Youichi and Aoi-chan. Mikan had to calm herself down when she realized that Natsume had intended to stay near her for the entire trip, worrying that something's going to happen to her. When Mikan pointed out that she's fine on her own and Natsume could have sat beside Youichi instead he told her this: "I'm going to sit here whether you like it or not. Deal with it."

Mikan sighed.

(But it was both nice and worrying. Nice, because he was going to stay with her and didn't that make her heart go into a brief frenzy, and worrying, because she shouldn't condone him. If he kept on being so nice to her like this, she won't be able to stop herself from falling even further.)

* * *

The beach house that they went to was lavish and huge. There were rooms enough to accommodate all of them and the kitchen was state-of-the-art as well as expansive. The entire building was equipped with the most expensive furniture money could buy, and to both Mikan's amazement and Natsume's disbelief, it even had an open air bath installed. Mikan had said out loud, voicing out her thoughts, "I could live here."

Makoto-chan gasped in awe when they came in. "Shiori, are we really going to stay here? Is it really okay?"

"I knew your family was rich, but this is… wow," Rin-chan had remarked.

Shiori blushed, the faint red on her cheeks noticeably showing up on her incredibly pale skin. "Oh no, this is actually one of the smaller houses we own. It's nothing much."

' _Smaller_?' she mouthed at Natsume. This is _small_? Then Mikan didn't want to know what big meant. Natsume only shook his head, and followed Shiori and the girls inside.

* * *

"The beach is the best!" Rin pumped her fist up enthusiastically, running to the crashing waves with her inflatable dolphin pinned by her side with her arm. Makoto and Nagi giggled before joining her too, splashing salty water around their ankles, with Aoi-chan in tow. Shiori sat beside Mikan under a shady umbrella, liberally spreading sunscreen all over her body, with Mikan helping her.

"If you think you can't stand the heat, make sure to come here okay?" Mikan reminded Shiori. "I have ice and a cold towel here."

"Thank you, Sakura-san," Shiori replied. "I've done this before. I know my limits. If I think the heat's unbearable, I'll come here."

After she finished spreading sunscreen, her skin glistening brilliantly in the sun, she joined the girl in their game of splashing each other with sea water. Mikan smiled, enjoying the carefree view of the girls shrieking and playing joyously in the sea.

When was the last time she allowed herself to relax this much? Come to think of it, when was the last time she went to the beach?

The answer was a long time. The last time she went to the beach was when she was 15. She tagged along with Hotaru, Sumire, Anna and Nonoko. It was a good memory. They played under the sun until they were almost sun burned, told scary stories during barbecue and slept in the living room after watching a movie. That day was one of the few days Sumire was actually civil with her, and Hotaru was even willing to put aside her inventions to play with them, though she never stopped taking pictures.

She wondered, how are they doing? Are they still in touch with each other?

At the corner of her eye, she saw a family sitting on a mat near them, eating food from a picnic basket at the middle of the mat. They laughed, and Mikan couldn't remember the last time she went to the beach with her family.

Some part of her wanted to call her mother again, to tell her that she's fine, and how was everybody? Are they doing okay? Are Miyuki and Mizuki growing up well? How was Shiki-san?

She didn't really need them in her life anymore. She's somewhat financially stable enough, she's living alone and taking care of herself quite well. She had friends with her. She didn't need the emotional or monetary support from her family.

But Mikan always yearned for them. She wanted them in her life. When she had recovered, she tried to forget them, determined to have a clean slate and wipe away all remnants of her past. She couldn't. She was always reminded of them whenever she walked past a family on the streets, whenever she had to serve a husband and wife with their kids at the restaurant, when she heard somebody talking to their spouse on their phone. People everywhere reminded her of her family.

She _wanted_ , so much.

Every time she tried calling them, memorizing their number by heart, she chickened out at the last minute. Although she wanted to call them, to hear their voice again, she wasn't ready to meet them. Fearing that they would somehow trace her whereabouts from the phone call, she always ended the call before anybody could pick up.

 _Coward_ , she would tell herself. It was what always stopped her, her cowardice.

"Daydreaming, Polka?"

She snapped out of her thoughts and finally noticed Natsume standing in front of her, in black swim trunks and an opened dark green zip-up hoodie.

 _Wow_ , Mikan dazedly thought, staring at the delicious expanse of toned muscle and lightly tanned skin on display. She had to forcefully tear herself away from the view and looked up, meeting Natsume's smug look and that stupid smirk of his.

Mikan glared. "What?"

He casually sat beside her, leaning back slightly, his pose relaxed and infuriatingly self assured. "You can stare," he purred. "I don't mind. I know I'm hot."

She shoved his shoulder at that. "Show off," she muttered. He chuckled at her irritated tone.

"Where's Youichi-kun?" she asked, after finally managing to get used to the thought of Natsume so exposed beside her.

"Surfing," he said. He pointed at a lone figure at a distance, and Mikan saw the silver haired boy bringing a surfboard near the large body of water.

"Not joining him?"

"Later. What about you? You're not wearing a swimsuit. Not planning to swim?"

"I am wearing one. This shirt and wrap are part of a set with the bikini." she replied. She lifted the hem of her shirt slightly, just enough to see the bottom of her bikini and shifted her wrap to the side so Natsume could see the edges of the swimwear she wore underneath.

Natsume blinked once at the view. For a moment, Mikan thought he looked dumbfounded. He then gave a light cough and looked at the side. "You really shouldn't do that. How can an adult be so dense?"

"Hey, you asked. I just showed you. What's wrong with that?" she protested. Her, dense? What did she do that warranted that remark? She just showed him her bikini, nothing wrong with that.

He sighed. He sounded exasperated. "Everything."

"Everything?"

"Never mind. What got you daydreaming just now? You were staring at them?" Natsume changed the subject. He glanced at the family near them, and Mikan remembered her earlier thought.

"I was just thinking about family," Mikan admitted. "Must be nice to have them around. I was thinking, maybe it's time I give them a call."

"What's stopping you?"

"Myself. I'm still scared." She brought her legs closer to her chest, and wrapped her arms around her knees.

Natsume let out a loud exhale through his nose. "If you really want to call them, just give them a voicemail if you're such a scaredy cat about it," he suggested. "Use a public payphone or something, so they can't call you back."

Mikan's eyes turned wide, and she felt like hitting herself. So _simple_. Why didn't she think of that?

She side eyed him with a suspicious look. "How is it that you always know what to say?"

"I'm just that good, Polka," he confidently stated. "So you're going to call Auntie Yuka?"

"Yup. Thanks." Mikan let out a laugh, and she didn't intend for it to sound so nervous. "You know, I kinda feel like I owe you a lot. I should give you something. Payment for the advice." Mikan thought of the plan she had, about how to tell Natsume her feelings. She really wanted to give him something. It's not out of obligation. It was out of gratitude.

"Don't bother. My payment is too expensive for you anyway."

"Not even going to give me a discount?"

"No way,"

"Stingy."

They smiled at each other for a while, Mikan's a fond one and Natsume gave one of his barely-there smiles. Both of them didn't even realize they were staring at each other intently, until Shiori-chan came, no longer able to withstand the vicious rays of the sun, and Mikan had to scramble getting out a cold, damp towel to press on her forehead and a portable fan to help alleviate the heat. She let Shiori lay her head on her lap as she aimed the fan at her. Natsume finally took of his hoodie and went to the ocean, ignoring the admiring female gazes following him. Looking at his back as she attended to the slightly over heated albino teen on her lap, Mikan felt as though she missed something important.

* * *

In the evening, when everybody was at the beach house, satisfied, tanned and nursing the slight sun burns on their skin, Mikan went to the grocery store alone to buy food. She discovered a grill when she looked through the kitchen, and after getting permission from Shiori-chan's parents, she decided to have a barbecue. She sent Natsume to get the charcoal briquettes while she bought the ingredients.

She finished buying the meat and vegetables, and even grabbed a bottle of _sake_. She felt like drinking alcohol and thinking back, although she planned to tell Natsume her budding feelings, she didn't think she had the bravery to do it. Maybe a little liquid courage would help. If Natsume rejected her, Mikan could blame it on the alcohol the next day and hopefully that would be enough damage control.

This amount of sake wasn't enough to get her even remotely tipsy, not when she was born with a high metabolism and eventually developed a rather high alcohol tolerance from random drinking nights with Nobara-chan and Rei. But Natsume didn't know that. She could feign forgetfulness from the alcohol. And hopefully, she would be believable enough.

Some responsible adult she is, drinking when she was supposed to be taking care of the children. But she didn't do this often. (Medication and alcohol are a recipe for disaster. She knew and understood enough to never drink when she's on meds. Luckily, she hadn't taken her antidepressant at all that day.) And besides, when else would she have the chance to tell Natsume in person? And in a few days, he and Aoi-chan would have to go back.

It has to be tonight.

But before that, she stopped by a phone booth. It was dimly lit near the store, and the green phone inside gleamed dully under the artificial lights. She went inside and after taking deep breaths, she gripped the phone a little too tightly in her hands, heart beating like she just ran for a long time. She inserted coins in the slot and pressed her home number, her fingers slightly shaking and wet from nervous sweat. She remembered that Kaa-chan and Shiki-san would still be at work in the early evening, only returning home late at night. There was no one who would answer the phone. And Mikan hoped no one would.

She slowly brought the phone to her ear and mouth, and after hearing the beep, she said, as steady as she could, "Kaa-chan, Shiki-san. It's me."

* * *

Making sure that the girls and Youichi were out from the food coma they put themselves in, (they kept on eating meat and chicken and Mikan had to constantly remind them to eat a little veggie), she took out the bottle of _sake_ and rummaging through the cabinet, she found small _sake_ cups. Looks like somebody in Shiori-chan's family likes to drink too.

Sitting on the floor in the living room, she poured sake into her cup and took a small sip, relishing the slight alcoholic burn and the mild, sweet taste of _sake_. She had the sake chilled when she returned from shopping, and the cool feel was refreshing.

She didn't know how many sips she took, but Natsume eventually found her, on the floor, nursing her small cup daintily in her hand as she smiled down at the clear liquid sloshing in the ceramic, and she heard him asking incredulously, "Are you fucking _drinking_?"

She giggled and turned to look at him, his eyes wide as he stared at her intoxicated form. "Hey Natsume. Yes, I am. Care to join me?"

He walked towards her and sat on the floor beside her, clearly disagreeing with her actions as he tried to snatch away the cup and sake bottle from her hand. She pushed it out of his reach, and he growled in frustration. "You shouldn't be drinking. You're on those damn meds, aren't you?"

"Not right now!" she chirped. "Come on, Natsume. I wouldn't drink while I'm on medication. That's suicidal." She let out an ironic laugh at her poor choice of words. "Heh, suicidal."

"Give me those." He reached out again for the alcohol, only to have Mikan push him at his chest, groaning in protest. "Nooooo, I want to drink. Let me drink."

"What's with you?" he voiced out, his surprised anger colouring his words and filled Mikan with slight shame. "You're not like this."

"Natsume, let me tell you, it's fine for an adult to drink. I'm an adult, so let me indulge. Besides, this is my reward. I just called home and I left a voicemail for them."

He was slightly mollified. But still very angry. "Using a payphone?"

"Yup! Do you know how nerve wracking it was? My heart was going _waaaaaaah_ and my head all _gwoaaaaah_ and I had to tell them I'm fine, but I'm not really fine, but that's okay, it's not a complete lie. I think I'm one step closer to getting better." Her movements were more animated than usual and Mikan had to admit that the alcohol might be affecting her more than she intended. But she can still think through the drunken haze, so it's alright.

"Not when you're drinking like this, you're not. And you're drunk."

"I'm _nooooot_ ," she whined. "I'm just happy. And glad. And scared. But mostly glad. I've always, _alllllways_ wanted to call them, but never had the courage to. I feel like, like, like I just got a small, _teensie weensie_ part of myself back. So thank you, Natsume. For giving me that suggestion."

Her heart beating faster than she could ever remember, she started her plan. She glanced at Natsume at what she hoped was a sultry look. "So, I want to give you something, Natsume. A reward."

She saw Natsume swallow as she inched slowly towards him, reaching out her arms to him and wounded them around his neck, settling comfortably between his legs. She could hear his breathing stutter a bit, and she whispered, "So what do you want? Dinner, bath or…" she moved her mouth near his ear, "…me?"

"...Polka?" Natsume sounded scared and hesitant, but there was something in voice that spurred her to continue.

She giggled. She gave him a light kiss on the cheek, liking the soft skin underneath her lips. "Look at you," she cooed. "Here I am, throwing myself at you, and you're still so cool. How un _fair_. I thought guys are supposed to give in when there's a willing body near them. Or is that sexist?"

"Polka, stop," he ordered strangely gently, grabbing both of her shoulders and trying to push her away. He looked pained, and his voice sounded raspy. She almost wanted to stop.

But her insistence won, taking over her decision making abilities, aided by alcohol and sheer foolish bravery. In a surprising flash of strength from her slight body, she pushed Natsume down until his back was completely flat on the floor. She moved over him and straddled his waist, her thighs holding him in place.

His wide eyed expression met her hooded ones, and Mikan took hold of one of his hands on her shoulder and brought it directly over her heart. She pressed his hand on her chest, letting him feel the rapid thudding on her ribcage. "See, I'm nervous. I've never done this before, but I want to. Truth is, Natsume, I like you. A lot," she confessed and felt like a weight lifted off her shoulders, then replaced with an even heavier weight. She didn't like it one bit. So she decided that the best way to remove it would be to continue this.

"I don't mean that like a friend likes another friend Natsume," she clarified. "I meant it like this."

His hand, the one she pressed on her heart, she moved slightly to the side so he could fully cup her breast in his palm. The warmth from the palm made her shiver in delight, and somehow, at the back of her head, Mikan felt that this was a terrible idea, because this was not how she wanted to confess.

But she's too far gone to stop now.

She reached out a hand to Natsume's face, cupping his cheek as she gently rubbed his lower lip with her thumb. The hot breaths coming out of his parted mouth wet her thumb, but she couldn't be bothered to care. All that grabbed her attention was the look he gave her as he stared at her with shocked, wide eyes. His body froze underneath her, unmoving and tense.

She smiled, and she thought it looked pathetic. _She_ must be pathetic. "I don't know why, and I don't know when. Maybe it's because you're nice to me. Maybe it's because you're helping me. Maybe it's because you _knew_ and yet you don't _care_. Maybe because somehow, I'm emotionally dependant on you. I don't know. I don't know why I like you. We don't choose who we fall in love with, but still, this must be disgusting for you, isn't it? You don't even like me that way."

His breathing had turned ragged and Mikan felt his chest moving up and down in time with his breaths. He's still not moving, still not speaking, and Mikan felt her heart fell, crashed and burned. It was painful, and the all too familiar burn she hadn't felt ever since _that_ Valentine came back. Guess this was another heartbreak then. Natsume was clearly too horrified to speak.

"So now, you know. You shouldn't be so nice to me, I'll keep falling for you." She stood up, leaving Natsume on the floor, still frozen like a shocked statue. Mikan laughed, and it sounded like she was crying instead, and she hates how she can't hide anything. Her eyes burned, and she struggled to not let the tears fall. She can't show him.

It would be too much like cutting herself open to a knife. She remembered her dream, and she wondered if that's truly what it feels like, to have a knife embedded in her chest. It felt like a knife was in her chest right then. It's _painful_.

"I'm gonna go to sleep," she told him, her voice calm despite the onset of tears she could feel coming to spill down her cheeks. "Clear the table and throw away the _sake_ would you?"

She walked to her room, and without turning to see him, because she just can't, she wished him, "Good night."

* * *

She closed the door behind her when she entered her room and buried her face in her hands as she sobbed.

What had she done? Had she finally burned another one of her bridges? Was it not salvageable? Had she truly destroyed things between them?

 _I shouldn't have confessed_ , she moaned. How was she going to face him in the morning? He must be disgusted. Horrified.

She took deep breaths and wiped away her tears with her sleeve. She has to pretend in the morning. Pretend that she didn't remember. Pretend that it was just a joke. Just pretend that everything was alright and nothing ever happened.

Mikan should never have drank. What was she thinking back then? How did 'casually-tell-him-she-likes-him-' turned into 'pushing-him-down-and-almost-sexually-assaulting-him'? Did that happen because of a bad mixture of nerves and alcohol? She never had any problem thinking and acting clearly when she drank.

It didn't matter. It's done. Now she had to think and plan. What should she do tomorrow? What should she say to him? Dear Kami-sama, please let it still be alright.

She heard heavy footsteps nearing outside the door and Mikan's stomach dropped. She quickly stood up, intending to lock the door but the door swung open and Natsume looked at her with narrowed eyes and lips thinned into a line.

Before she could come up with any excuse, he stepped in and closed the door behind him, locking it. Mikan took in a panicked breath, stuck in a room with this infuriating man. She took a step backwards and Natsume strode towards her. She held out a hand towards him, she was going to push him away, but he took it and pulled her into his arms.

Heartbeat escalating, she struggled in his embrace, hitting his chest as hard as she could. "Let me go, Natsume!" she cried and Natsume grabbed a hold of her jaw and she felt warm lips on hers.

She felt her cheeks blush horribly and her body shuddered. He kissed her roughly, wildly, and she tried not to melt. She opened her mouth, attempting to scream, but did nothing more than letting him deepen the kiss and her knees buckled under the passionate onslaught of pleasure and fear. She kept hitting him on his shoulders and back but he didn't budge, kissing her over and over again until she couldn't breathe and couldn't _think_.

Her mind turned to mush and she finally gave in. She doesn't have the energy to fight anymore.

Whatever happens next, she'll accept.

Sensing that she's no longer resisting, Natsume lifted his lips from hers and tilted her head up to look at him. His red eyes seemingly glowed in the dark, and Mikan had to clutch his arms to keep herself from falling.

"There's a part of me that wants to help you," he started and Mikan didn't want to hear it. She's scared, doesn't he get it?

He pressed his lips on her forehead and muttered, "But there's also a part of me that wants _you_."

Her heart stopped. "Natsume…?"

"Sometimes I think about you. At night. On my bed."

Mikan let out a shuddery breath at that admission. "Ohh…"

He brought her closer to him and buried his nose in her hair, inhaling deeply. Mikan's ear was pressed on his chest, and she heard just how _loud_ his heartbeat was. "I shouldn't be thinking about you that way," he said. "I shouldn't. You depend on me emotionally. I'm supposed to help you. Not fantasizing and imagining the _filthy_ things I want to do to you. You're so delicate. Small. Like a butterfly. I feel too much like I'm taking advantage of you."

His grip on her waist and shoulders tightened and Mikan felt like he could break her if he wanted to. "This, me doing _this_ , is also taking advantage of you. You're vulnerable. I know you won't say no to me. I know you like me and depend on me too much. And its all just so _messed up_."

He brought his mouth closer to her cheek and Mikan could smell his breath. It wasn't unpleasant and it made her stomach turned funny. Mikan wondered if he could taste the alcohol on her breath when he kissed her.

"I should stop. I shouldn't be feeling this way. But now, and with what you just did?" He smiled, and it showed a flash of teeth. "I don't want to stop. I _can't_ stop."

She placed her hand on his cheek in worry and he immediately leaned into it like a touch starved cat. He kissed her palm almost reverently, and he looked at her with so much _heat_ her stomach filled with syrupy warmth.

"You think you're disgusting?" he quietly asked. He let out a laugh. "Then, I'm even more disgusting."

* * *

That night, they slept, entangled within sheets and limbs. They didn't talk. They just hugged one another and laid side by side each other. Natsume cradled her head in his hands, and Mikan's arms were around his shoulder and back.

Mikan didn't know what this development meant, what it could potentially bring. A part of her agreed with Natsume, that this wasn't right, wasn't healthy. They should discuss this later. She would also have to talk about this with Dr Ueda in the next session.

But now, warm and comfortable and safe, she decided she'll think later. They have all the time in the world. For now, she'll let herself feel this.

That night, for the first time in years, she had a dreamless and peaceful sleep.

* * *

Mikan woke up earlier than Natsume, and had to carefully separate herself from him and not jostle him into awareness. Her head didn't ache from the _sake_ she imbibed last night. She slipped into the kitchen and cooked breakfast for everyone.

Natsume joined them when the children woke up and were all seated at the table, bleary and still sleepy, only enticed with the smell of bacon and eggs. He had sat beside her again and they talked with the children. Shiori-chan looked better after a sleeping so deeply, her skin no longer an angry red. Makoto happily bantered with Aoi and Mikan, and Nagi laughed along whatever anecdote Rin was telling her. Youichi talked with Natsume, looking slightly livelier than he usually was, a contrast from his aloof personality.

It was light, and everything felt good. Almost as though nothing happened last night. The only difference was that sometimes, Natsume would reach out for her hand under the table and squeezed it before letting go and continued eating. Mikan would sometimes squeeze back, and when she had to clear away the plates, Natsume helped her wash the dishes in the kitchen as everybody went upstairs to pack and clear away the trash.

"Do you regret it?" he asked.

Mikan smiled at him. In that moment, everything felt right. "I should. But I don't. Do you?"

He slowly smiled back at her. "I should. But I don't."

* * *

When they finally arrived back in Hakone, Makoto, Nagi, Rin and Shiori gave her a hug and heartfelt thank yous. Aoi happily exchanged phone numbers with them, promising to keep in touch with everybody. Youichi said goodbye to everyone before heading back home, and Natsume and Aoi accompanied her back to her apartment.

Natsume gave her a peck on the lips when Aoi was distracted by her phone. "Bye."

Mikan smiled shyly and hugged him. "Good bye."

They left. Mikan was alone in her apartment. It usually made her lonely, back at her empty place, void of chatter and company. But this time, she only felt warmth and happiness. Happiness of this kind, she had not felt in a long time.

She chuckled, feeling so light she could fly. She walked to her balcony and stared down at the figure of two raven haired siblings walking alongside each other. They noticed her, and they waved at her. She waved back.

She usually felt like jumping when she's on the balcony, which was why she only ever went there to hang her washed clothes. But that urge didn't come. And instead she admired the lovely scene of the neighbourhood bathed in the bright summer sun.

What a lovely day it was.

* * *

AN: Edits will be done later. So did you like this chapter? I bet most of you did. There's some plot and a lot of romance and you people just dig that, don't you? And also, why are there no flirty!Mikan fics? We've had bitch!Mikan, badass!Mikan, brave!Mikan, but why no flirty!Mikan? We need more of those. Thanks for reading.


	14. Intermission: Thoughts

AN: My apology chapter. For not updating last week. That and I want to show you what the others were thinking, so another intermission chapter. And I kind of realized how all of my double updates are intermission chapters, huh.

* * *

 **INTERMISSION: THOUGHTS**

* * *

 **YOUICHI**

Youichi likes to watch people. He was more of a listener or observer than a talker. It was interesting how people would act and the reasons behind them. There are people like Nobara, who would watch over everyone and help as much as she could. There are people like Rei, who would just continue to be suspicious of everyone, even after knowing them for long periods of time. Then there are people like Mikan, trying everything while trying not to drown.

He knew about her issues, he was one of the people who visited her at the hospital. He saw how she was back then, when they had just fished her out of the river. She had no drive, no will of her own. It felt like watching a mannequin. She just looked sad all the time.

Of course, after she was released, with Nobara's help, she was slowly regaining back her personality. She no longer resembled a doll. It was faint, but there was some life in her. Youichi thought she would recover, slowly, surely. But then a red-eyed man with dark hair came and it quickly became worrying.

Youichi can't tell who was at fault. He had only seen them interact a couple of times, and saw just how quickly she depended on him. Doesn't help matters that they were together all the time. And Natsume-san looked like he wasn't stopping her or calling her out on it. Even Natsume-san's cheerful sister wasn't able to get between them.

Mikan had refused to be close with anyone, refused to allow anyone to come help her. He guessed it was partly because of pride, and partly because she still can't trust anyone. But Natsume, she trusted him with everything.

During the fireworks festival, Youichi noticed just how close they were. She stood beside him the entire time and Natsume refused to let her go. He could guess something bad had happened due to the incredible paleness and clamminess of her skin, but still, there was something that didn't sit right with him.

Then there was the part where they went to the beach. Nothing of note happened thankfully, but that night he heard heavy footsteps and noises muffled by the walls. Then the next morning, everything was okay, but there was a weird feel to both of them. They were just so strangely close.

Even if they were friends from the past, it was still so weird. No one ever suddenly resolved whatever issues they had in a matter of days, even if they had been in constant contact for a few months.

He was worried. Mikan was a good person overall, and Natsume was a pretty cool man. He hoped nothing bad would happen.

* * *

 **AOI**

The reason why Aoi followed Natsume-nii was because she was curious.

It started with noticing how sometimes, Natsume-nii would spend a little too much time on the phone. He lives alone now, but he comes by to have dinner at the house every week.

And every week, after dinner, Natsume-nii would be busy with his phone. He looked relaxed; not looking so blank all the time, and usually, there was a smile on his face. Which was really, really rare for him. Because Natsume-nii is like, the personification of cool. He just didn't show his emotions easily.

She had caught him chatting with someone on the phone one night, when she wanted to go to the toilet. It was past midnight, but Natsume-nii didn't look sleepy. He looked…lively.

Then, she really wanted to know who that person was. Because it sure isn't Ruka-nii. Ruka-nii doesn't make Natsume-nii like that, all vibrant and lively.

Must be somebody important to Natsume-nii.

When Kaa-chan moaned about having to cancel her trip to Hakone, Natsume-nii perked up and said he wanted to go. When asked, all he replied was, "I wanted a holiday. And I have to do some stuff."

Suspicious. Natsume-nii rarely ever took days off. And what kind of stuff that was so important he was willing to go all the way to Hakone? Aoi figured it must be that person Natsume-nii was always on the phone with.

So she discreetly followed him, and to her surprise, it was Mikan-neechan! She looked so pretty now, and she was completely an adult, no longer looking like a teenager. Aoi felt it was unfair that Natsume-nii decided to keep Mikan-neechan all to himself, even if Mikan-neechan told her it was because she asked him to not tell anybody.

Mikan-neechan was amazing.

She was smart, and pretty, and nice to everyone. Aoi liked her from the first time she saw her, and still continued to like her even after she was gone all those years ago. And it was also because of her, Aoi made some sweet new friends, friends who are _waaay_ different and more mature than her classmates, so that's another brownie point. However, there was just one thing that frustrates her.

What is the problem Mikan-neechan had that she won't tell?

Aoi saw that she was completely fine. There's nothing wrong with her. She's just a more mature version of Mikan-neechan, which was even cooler because she didn't know Mikan-neechan would turn out to be such a great woman.

Aoi thought, this would be a great chance to get Natsume-nii a girlfriend. That stick-in-the-mud of a brother refused to let anybody near him, but he lets Mikan-neechan near him. And Aoi saw both of them liking each other, so it was fine if she gave them a little push right?

So she dropped hints about Natsume-nii around Mikan-neechan. And she kept trying to make Natsume-nii jealous, mentioning just the looks Mikan-neechan got from people wherever they go. But it was hard, because Mikan-neechan was just so dense, and Natsume-nii only gave her a glare and didn't do anything. That or Mikan-neechan just never questioned anything deeper, and Natsume-nii really don't see her that way. But Aoi would be damned if both of them didn't end up together soon.

She'll see them become a couple, even if it means having to endure Natsume-nii's grumbling.

* * *

 **YUKA**

' _Kaa-chan, Shiki-san it's me._

 _It's… been a while since I've called home. I'm sorry. I ran away and I worried everyone. But you don't have to worry about me anymore. I'm doing fine now. Ahhh, you filed a police report, didn't you? You can go to them and tell them I'm alive. I'm okay. I wasn't kidnapped or anything. There's no need for that._

 _…Now that I told you that, I don't know what else to say. Are you alright, Kaa-chan? Are you still overworking yourself? You shouldn't work so much. Pay more attention to Miyuki and Mizuki. They need you more than your work needs you. I would know. I was in their shoes once. Shiki-san, are you still there? Please take care of Kaa-chan. She needs you too. It would be great if you would cook for them, Kaa-chan can't cook at all. Hahaha._

 _Mizuki, Miyuki, hi. You won't remember me, but I'm your elder sister. I once held you both in my arms, and I promised I would be a good elder sister to both of you. But I'm not even there. I didn't see your first steps, hear your first words, help you write your first words. Are you both fighting? You shouldn't. Siblings shouldn't fight. Family shouldn't fight. It's not good. I hope everybody's getting along._

 _I've called now because you should know that I'm alright, and that…well…I missed everybody.. I don't know if this will be the only time I'll call you, or if I'm going to call you again. I can't promise that. I just want to tell you that I'm okay. So…yeah. That's it. Bye._ '

Yuka couldn't help herself from crying tears of relief and sorrow. Her baby girl was alright. Finally, after years of nothing, they have something of her. But she wasn't _here_.

And it was all Yuka's fault. If only she had been more attentive, not just focusing on the material needs, she would realize that Mikan needed her family with her. How long did she endure it all?

Her precious, strong baby girl. She failed her.

"That was Onee-chan?" Mizuki curiously asked, large blue eyes looking up at her as he sucked his thumb when the voicemail ended.

Yuka nodded, quickly wiping away the salty water droplets clinging to her lashes and cheeks.

"Will we ever meet her?" Miyuki asked innocently, lively bouncing on the balls of her feet.

"I don't know. If she'll come back, you would."

"Then let's pray she'll come back. If we wish hard enough, maybe Kami-sama will grant that wish," Shiki, ever so supportive Shiki, suggested encouragingly. He patted both of the twins' heads, and Yuka was once again reminded how doubly blessed she was in both of her marriages.

She looked behind her, and winking at her in the small altar at the corner of the room, her late husband's memorial tablet gleamed. Her heart sank and Yuka remembered that she failed her late husband too.

Yuka would give anything for Mikan. She would beg and ask for forgiveness and do everything to make her happy. If only Mikan would come back to them…

* * *

 **NATSUME**

Natsume knew he's doing something wrong. In fact, he's pretty sure he's doing a lot of wrong things.

All of it had to do with Polka. He should really stop, and get more people to help her. Because Natsume noticed just how quickly she had relied on him, recalling how she had immediately opened up to him on everything, showing just so many of her vulnerable sides. But he was at fault too. He didn't stop her. He enjoyed her company too much.

What he felt for her wasn't love, not the kind of love that was glorified in songs and movies. It was lust, pure baseless lust. Doesn't that say something about him, that he's feeling hot under the collar for a depressed, lonely woman who had an unhealthy attachment to him?

Truth be told, there was always attraction towards her. It started with curiosity, which was why when they were teenagers, he had talked and chat with her, wanting to know more about the supposedly cheery girl who was more than she seemed. Then that curiosity turned into guilt, when she disappeared the night her grandfather died. When he found her again, 5 years later, he expected his thoughts about her to become neutral, maybe more friendly. They were on somewhat okay terms, even if, Natsume admitted, his teasing used to be on the mean side.

The heat that punched his gut when he kept on spending time with her took him by surprise. His second visit to Hakone, he was horrified when he found himself fantasizing about her when she came to get Aoi for their shopping trip. She looked so pretty, all dressed up in white, hesitantly looking down at herself like there was something wrong with her dress. Natsume imagined just taking everything off her just so he could see her better, and he was immediately disgusted by his thoughts.

It was the first time it ever happened to Natsume, wanting a specific person instead of, pardon the crude language, pieces of unrecognizable, flesh coloured meat. He had erotic thoughts before, sure, but they were never detailed. They were just vague enough that it could be anyone. He was repulsed by the girls around him, an effect from that ridiculous fan club that was formed for him during his school years, and he honestly thought he was going to be that way for the rest of his days. But Polka, _freaking_ Polka, just had to be the one to trigger everything new in him. Maybe because she was no longer an awkward teenager, having bloomed into a beautiful woman with curves that were _juuuust_ right to Natsume. Maybe because she was one of the few females he could stand, and actually like talking to. He didn't know why he developed such a horrible attraction.

But he knew it was bad, and it had to stop.

He tried squashing it down. But it was difficult, when she kept on wearing those pretty, pretty outfits wherever they go, when she kept looking at him with those big doe eyes of her, when she kept _trusting_ him. The most horrifying part was when she had a breakdown at the fireworks festival, and Natsume quickly hugged her, wanting to give her comfort, something to hold on to until she stabilized.

That was all he intended, but his hands moved all over her and he found himself kissing her skin just to have a slight taste and feel of her, and it soured his throat and sickened him so much, because damn it, _he was taking advantage of her_.

What made him any different from that drunk creep he kicked? In fact, he was more dangerous, because Polka _trusted_ him. Polka never noticed him taking more than he should, because she's not seeing it, too happy at the fact that there's somebody she knew who could help her.

That level of trust she gave him scared him, because he promised her he'd help, but he's finding out that he's the worst person for the job, because he's uncontrollably in lust with her. He thought he could handle it, but he can't.

Then, at the beach house, Polka pulled a move and offer straight out of a _hentai_ manga and it was so left field, his head spun from this development. She told him she liked him, pressing his hand on her breast, and he could feel her heartbeat. The weight of her body on him excited him, and he was just so, so _disgusted_ with himself.

He doubted it when Polka told him she liked him. No doubt Polka thought what she felt was the stirrings of romantic love, because Polka completely sucked at lying. She really believed she was romantically attracted to him. But Natsume didn't see that. What he saw was attraction and fear, the kind that would probably drive her to do something so out of character. He didn't know if it was her depression, her meds, or the alcohol, or heck, maybe it was him. He didn't know, he's not an expert. But one thing Natsume knew was that he could never blame her for what she did. She was experiencing so many things at once, it must feel so overwhelming to her. Meeting new people, talking to him again, calling her parents, adjusting to the decrease in medication, and under the influence of alcohol.

No, it wasn't entirely her fault. He should have stopped her.

She ran away, upset with herself and Natsume, and it took him a while to sit back up and _think_.

' _What should I do? What should I do?'_

He hurried towards her room because he wanted explanation and to just talk to her to clarify everything, but he saw her there, in tears and heat strike his body like a thunder bolt and he kissed her full on the lips, no longer able to hold back. He _loved_ it, the warmth on her lips and her sweet smell mingled with alcohol, could get drunk on it, but it made him feel absolutely despicable.

He told her, outright, that he was a disgusting piece of shit. And he meant every word. But what did that do?

She rewarded him by letting him sleep beside her that night, again completely trusting that he wouldn't do anything to her even after he admitted having inappropriate thoughts about her. In the span of days, so much happened. And Natsume realized just how deep in trouble they were in.

And to think, he initially only wanted to help her out of guilt. The road to hell was paved with good intentions indeed.

He wondered what Polka was thinking. If she was even _thinking_. Does she realize what's happening?

This was so far beyond him. He's not suited for this.

He asked Polka, if she regretted what she did last night. She didn't. He should also regret it, because what he did was technically sexual assault, but he didn't.

It was messed up. He tried acting platonic but it didn't work. That urge just kept creeping up on him. He was too far gone to go back.

All he could do was hope that somebody, _anybody_ would help them. Because he can't do anything anymore.

* * *

 **AN** : So there. And it's also here that I'm going to address some of the reviews I've gathered.

I like getting criticism. It means there is something I'm doing that needs improving. This work of fiction, no matter how believable I tried to make it out to be, will never really compete with reality. This is all experimental writing, and it's my form of stress relief, my temporary escape from reality. There will be something wrong with how I write, because I am an amateur writer who writes for fun, and as much as I like to keep things realistic, I honestly do not take my work seriously and I don't think anybody will ever take this work seriously. I know I will never be what society considers a good writer, because I don't write things to create masterpieces. It's a hobby. It's all guilty pleasure.

There were some who pointed out that Mikan's narrative was problematic, that it didn't really reflect what people with depression really went through. Others pointed how the romance seemed jumpy. The first point was my fault. I did my research, but it was not enough and I've long resigned that I could never really write anything that could truly, accurately portray reality. If that made you uncomfortable, I apologize. Reading back, it did feel like I was romanticizing mental illness. It was the result of poor writing, I won't deny that.

Writing one person narrative is that it would be on that person's point of view. You won't be aware of what others were thinking. In the shoes of the character, what they did would seem right, while in the eyes of other characters, that would not be the case. The intermission chapters were supposed to be this, to help fill what the protagonist's point of view didn't. Mikan didn't see anything wrong with Natsume or herself, but that doesn't mean Natsume himself didn't notice. This was supposed to be why the 'romance' looked so unbelievable, Mikan thinks its fine, but you readers, who know better, would not think so. It's boring if the MC is always right. How would the readers think when they see it?

Writing Natsume's POV in this intermission was more of a 'Take That!' to both the GA fandom's tendency to think that kissing, even if the person said no, was okay, and to myself, because, it is my guilty pleasure. It is fantasy. It is fiction. It is imagination. It is safe. But in real life? 'No' would mean 'no'. I do not condone sexual assault or acts done without consent. Just because I write it, does not mean I encourage you to do so. The same goes to whatever goes in this fic. Whatever I write here, it does not reflect my opinion in real life. I just write whatever comes to mind, and this is why this fic looks like a hot mess.

I'm sorry for that long note. I would have personally replied everyone's review, but time constraints makes things difficult. And there are a lot Guest reviewers who reviewed that I can't reply back. The real criticisms that this fic received was from Guest reviewers and it both made me happy and slightly, admittedly angry. Happy, because they bothered to read and point out the faults in this fic for improvement; and angry, because I honestly cannot tell if they do not have an account to sign in to, or they were just not brave enough to have me reply back. But nevertheless, thank you for everybody who reviewed. It was nice of you to leave something behind for me to work with.

Have a good day, everyone.


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